Hi All,
I thought I would start with a personal update from where I left off in the last blog, I spoke to my lady friend and asked her out on a date she said "yes", it's been almost 3 weeks now and I'm going to leave it with "we are very happy together".
Now because these personal updates are no longer just about me I am going to stop doing them, all you need to know is that everything in life is only as difficult as you make it out to be.
So what have I been up to recently? Oh yeah I smashed Sydney in a weekend for my 29th!
Big shout out to my mates Beth and Shaun for showing me around and giving me a (very comfortable) couch to crash on after a great tour of the CBD.
So i flew up the Saturday morning (25th August) and began the day by walking into The Rocks (market place) where I went to Guylian for a hot chocolate and the food stand for a snag.
I meet up with Beth and Shaun and we began walking 11kms total (6.3mile about) we started at the Quay and went south to Hayfield (china town), across to Darling Harbor then across the bridge back into the CBD up to the Botanical Gardens, around the far end and back to the Opera house then back to the Quay to finish up, great day 4-5 hours of slow walking and catching up before we headed back to their place to meet the folks (great people too) and dinner in Cronulla where I watched Hawthorn smash Sydney! Carn the Hawkers!
(Pics of the trip are on my gastric bypass group page)
The Sunday I left Beth and Shawn to do what everyone has to try at least once, climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge. I purchased an express trip up and in 45 minutes we were at the top, 15 minutes to look around then back down in 45 minutes again, after the Grand Canyon the bridge is quite anti-climactic but the view is beautiful. I had a great time in Sydney, can't wait to travel some more!
So where to from here? Well perhaps I talk a little bit about the operation again and get back on track a little. I've been having some issues since the bypass which were related to polyester stitching around my stomach, the thing with polyester is that it does not dissolve, when I had a chat to my surgeon the first time I was having issues eating he mentioned to me that he no longer uses polyester because it does not dissolve and can cause problems because it will forever be a foreign object in my body so swelling or ulcers would be a side effect I would have to deal with.
No problem.
Twice now I have had a gastroscopy (camera down the throat into the stomach) because I have had severe swelling that I cannot eat any food I get bloated after one mouthful which isn't normal, what happened on both occasions was the stitching came loose and dangled into my stomach swelling the sides and forcing food to become stuck.
The plus side was that I lost 4kgs (8.8lbs) in 4 weeks so my total is around 104kgs lost and I'm sitting at 114.8kgs, since I have had the latest stitching removed I have been able to eat again so I'm looking at gaining a few kilos back (which is fine) and then working out a good plan for maintaining without having to rely on a gym.
Moving forward I am looking at some plastic surgery for excess skin yup that subject we all love to hate. See the one thing nobody tells you what happens after you lose the weight, well guess what? Excessive skin is a major issue to have to deal with after you lose the weight, I seem to find myself unable to completely accept my body until I get a few sections sorted out and tightened up.
Not saying I'm not proud of my achievements or that I don't "love" my body but some things just need sorting out.
It's not cheap to say the least and I'm looking at my thighs and abdomen to have cut back and tightened so I'm trying to get some early superannuation out to pay for it, perhaps it's time to start writing that book or talk to ACA or Today Tonight about getting my story out there, get the media to pay for it! That's isn't till November though so till then it's save, save, save.
Might leave it there for now please feel free to ask me any questions you might have about the operation or anything relating to these blogs and I'll have something to write about in the next blog.
~Peace out
Adrian
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Blog 18: 2 Year anniversary post operation!
August 9th, on this day...
586BC - Solomon's Temple is totally destroyed by the Babylonians under King Nebuchadnezzar.
1173 – Construction of the campanile of the cathedral of Pisa (now known as the Leaning Tower of Pisa) begins; it will take two centuries to complete.
1483 – Opening of the Sistine Chapel in Rome with the celebration of a Mass.
1854 – Henry David Thoreau publishes Walden.
1930 – Betty Boop makes her cartoon debut in Dizzy Dishes.
1945 – World War II: Nagasaki, Japan is devastated when an atomic bomb, Fat Man, is dropped by the United States B-29 Bockscar. 39,000 people are killed outright.
1965 – Singapore is expelled from Malaysia and becomes the first and only country to date to gain independence unwillingly.
1971 – The Troubles: The British security forces in Northern Ireland launch Operation Demetrius. Hundreds of people are arrested and interned, thousands are displaced, and 24 are killed in the violence that follows. Its introduction, and the abuse of those interned, leads to numerous protests.
1974 – As a direct result of the Watergate scandal, Richard Nixon becomes the first President of the United States to resign from office. His Vice President, Gerald Ford, becomes president.
1993 – The Liberal Democratic Party of Japan loses a 38-year hold on national leadership.
2010 – Adrian Cuvello has the gastric bypass operation to potentially save his life from morbid obesity.
Of course I added that last one :) big thank you to wikipedia for the information, I actually can't believe how much had actually happened on that day, a day I can share with history the day I had a potential life saving operation from my "medical disease" that thousands upon thousands suffer from on a daily basis. The sad consequence of obesity is the stereotypical view it portrays to the world the best example is when you see somebody that is obese walk into a fast food chain and order a meal for 3 yet they entered alone, if only they were not all perceived like this, yes I said they, I am officially no longer morbidly obese just obese with a body mass index of 33%, much better from my starting percentage of 67 yes? I thought so.
So I read over the first blog I wrote at the beginning of the year and noticed an error in the title of the blog, I wonder how many others noticed, something I haven't done in these blogs was write about the topics I left at the end of that blog so I thought I would cover one or two now as a celebratory look back over the past 104 weeks, 24 months or 2 years since the operation.
So what did I achieve in these past 2 years and what have I not achieved?
Let me start with what I haven't achieved, nothing comes to mind, I have come so far from the beginning that I feel I have not achieved nothing from this journey, that says a lot I'm not trying to be egotistical in any way but I do believe I have I achieved much more than anyone thought possible, except me, I was craving for change, I was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog at the opportunity to change my life I took that chance and I rode the bull by the horns through hell and back to where I am today.
I love that saying the grass is greener on the other side, it's true it really is but I cannot explain how or why it is better to you, honestly I don't want to I just want to sit on the freshly cut grass and be left alone with myself for a few minutes. The grass is so comfy I might have a snooze.
What did I achieve?
I broke barriers, I stunned my surgeon and I never plateaued until I choose to during my weight loss, I was in complete control and I am now a shinning example of greatness.
Oh shush you I'm allowed my five minutes of fame, what I achieved is more than most will ever do in their life times, I'll pat myself on the back just this once, excuse me for a second...
That felt good.
In 100 weeks I lost 100kgs (220lbs) and during this time I choose to plateau for 5 months testing the waters if you will, In the past 2 years I have challenged my past, my childhood is filled with darkness and an emotional connection that "used" to drag me down with it. I sought help I was completely open to changing my attitude and thinking that I saw specialists in their field to help me overcome this extra baggage, in 4 months I have taken a huge turn for the better I no longer have an emotional connection with my past that I can now remove those memories and create new ones, it is a shame that so much is missing from my childhood such as family and gatherings which I cannot remember but perhaps now I can make my own, perhaps that was the point from the beginning.
I believe the biggest of my achievements so far is my new vocal thought process, I am not vocal to my family about my feelings and I ask them many questions about life, now that I have an opportunity to meet new people and perhaps experience love at one point I am coming to them every day with questions and curiosity, usually this is taken for granted but to me it's a learning process, to somebody who never had a true friend until 2002 (when I was 18) I missed out on a lot.
Those closest to me I tell them that I love them, I may not say those words exactly but I do let them know how much I appreciate them greatly in other ways, they have all been there with me from the beginning before the operation and now with my new look and attitude I know we have all grown closer together not further apart like most perceive from stories of "my gf/bf left me because I'm now the centre of attraction" they're easy to explain the other half was only in it for them self to make them feel better because they are full of insecurities and probably a little bit of jealousy too.
What have I yet to achieve?
3 major goals left before years end.
1. Climb the Sydney Harbor bridge before my birthday and I have this booked in and paid for, August 26th I'm climbing that bridge!
2. I have spoken to a plastic surgeon about the excessive skin removal and will be booking in an operation date of November. I also got an official quote too, perhaps I should write a book before then about this, the operation isn't cheap to say the least.
3. This one is pretty personal so I won't go into it but I need to talk to someone I know about how I uhh... gees I'm just going to stop there, sorry I haven't been able to ask yet I need strength and courage for this situation, the weight loss and mental changes don't even come close on a difficulty level when it comes to this last one, anyone with half a brain has worked it out already and I wonder if she has realised while reading it that I am talking about you, yup you.
- The thing that scares me most is losing a friend if I go down that path and it doesn't go the way I hope it does because I don't know how to deal with this issue like an adult yet, it's my biggest fear and has been with me all my life but perhaps there is no correct way to deal with it but I do know my way of dealing with it is very childish and unfortunately ruined a perfectly good friendship with a work colleague a few moths back (That story a few blogs back and I do mean just friendship).
We all have our own challenges in life and how we deal with them becomes part of our character, we take that with us through our journey in life and that determines which people we interact with and which we do not, where we go and where we do not go, what we do and what we don't do.
My goal for the next anniversary is well, I don't know yet apart from finishing my journey by years end perhaps next year I can help somebody else who is about to go through what I have? Perhaps I can help out somebody very close to me who I know is having difficulties with their journey, I can be that rock we all need to rest on every now and again, I had one during my journey and I was a rock for him during his and without one you will burn out.
Funny thing is I just had an epiphany when writing that last paragraph, I am truly blessed to have such understandable people in my life I never recognised it till now but the past two years my main trait that helped with my achievements was being able to put myself first and concentrate only on me and what I had to get done, even if that meant putting those I love second yes even when I should have put them first because they are going through the same journey as me.
So what happens now?
Well if everything goes to plan first day of the 2013 I begin my next journey, with the weight gone and the skin removed I will have nothing holding me back, the world truly is my oyster isn't it? The only goal I have is to help anybody I can who is serious about making a change to their life not necessarily just weight but any lifestyle change.
To begin with I am speaking at my surgeons information sessions I am also looking into motivational speaking courses and public speaking courses to perhaps see what opportunities are open in that area.
To finish up I would like to thank you, yup you reading this right now, it's because of you reading these blogs that I continue to write them and by me writing them it helps me help you? It's one of those circle situations but this time it's a good one.
To everybody I have been in contact with over the past two years since this operation of mine thank you for your support, whether it has been a like on face book an email or a comment, a conversation in the hallway at work or a meet and greet and discussion about the operation and my journey I appreciate every single one of you, I have never had this many people give a shit about anything I've ever had to say and for me to have this many people following my journey it brings a tear to my eye (no seriously I have crocodile tears right now), thank you all so much it is true kindness like yours that keeps me going day in and day out.
~Peace out
Adrian
586BC - Solomon's Temple is totally destroyed by the Babylonians under King Nebuchadnezzar.
1173 – Construction of the campanile of the cathedral of Pisa (now known as the Leaning Tower of Pisa) begins; it will take two centuries to complete.
1483 – Opening of the Sistine Chapel in Rome with the celebration of a Mass.
1854 – Henry David Thoreau publishes Walden.
1930 – Betty Boop makes her cartoon debut in Dizzy Dishes.
1945 – World War II: Nagasaki, Japan is devastated when an atomic bomb, Fat Man, is dropped by the United States B-29 Bockscar. 39,000 people are killed outright.
1965 – Singapore is expelled from Malaysia and becomes the first and only country to date to gain independence unwillingly.
1971 – The Troubles: The British security forces in Northern Ireland launch Operation Demetrius. Hundreds of people are arrested and interned, thousands are displaced, and 24 are killed in the violence that follows. Its introduction, and the abuse of those interned, leads to numerous protests.
1974 – As a direct result of the Watergate scandal, Richard Nixon becomes the first President of the United States to resign from office. His Vice President, Gerald Ford, becomes president.
1993 – The Liberal Democratic Party of Japan loses a 38-year hold on national leadership.
2010 – Adrian Cuvello has the gastric bypass operation to potentially save his life from morbid obesity.
Of course I added that last one :) big thank you to wikipedia for the information, I actually can't believe how much had actually happened on that day, a day I can share with history the day I had a potential life saving operation from my "medical disease" that thousands upon thousands suffer from on a daily basis. The sad consequence of obesity is the stereotypical view it portrays to the world the best example is when you see somebody that is obese walk into a fast food chain and order a meal for 3 yet they entered alone, if only they were not all perceived like this, yes I said they, I am officially no longer morbidly obese just obese with a body mass index of 33%, much better from my starting percentage of 67 yes? I thought so.
So I read over the first blog I wrote at the beginning of the year and noticed an error in the title of the blog, I wonder how many others noticed, something I haven't done in these blogs was write about the topics I left at the end of that blog so I thought I would cover one or two now as a celebratory look back over the past 104 weeks, 24 months or 2 years since the operation.
So what did I achieve in these past 2 years and what have I not achieved?
Let me start with what I haven't achieved, nothing comes to mind, I have come so far from the beginning that I feel I have not achieved nothing from this journey, that says a lot I'm not trying to be egotistical in any way but I do believe I have I achieved much more than anyone thought possible, except me, I was craving for change, I was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog at the opportunity to change my life I took that chance and I rode the bull by the horns through hell and back to where I am today.
I love that saying the grass is greener on the other side, it's true it really is but I cannot explain how or why it is better to you, honestly I don't want to I just want to sit on the freshly cut grass and be left alone with myself for a few minutes. The grass is so comfy I might have a snooze.
What did I achieve?
I broke barriers, I stunned my surgeon and I never plateaued until I choose to during my weight loss, I was in complete control and I am now a shinning example of greatness.
Oh shush you I'm allowed my five minutes of fame, what I achieved is more than most will ever do in their life times, I'll pat myself on the back just this once, excuse me for a second...
That felt good.
In 100 weeks I lost 100kgs (220lbs) and during this time I choose to plateau for 5 months testing the waters if you will, In the past 2 years I have challenged my past, my childhood is filled with darkness and an emotional connection that "used" to drag me down with it. I sought help I was completely open to changing my attitude and thinking that I saw specialists in their field to help me overcome this extra baggage, in 4 months I have taken a huge turn for the better I no longer have an emotional connection with my past that I can now remove those memories and create new ones, it is a shame that so much is missing from my childhood such as family and gatherings which I cannot remember but perhaps now I can make my own, perhaps that was the point from the beginning.
I believe the biggest of my achievements so far is my new vocal thought process, I am not vocal to my family about my feelings and I ask them many questions about life, now that I have an opportunity to meet new people and perhaps experience love at one point I am coming to them every day with questions and curiosity, usually this is taken for granted but to me it's a learning process, to somebody who never had a true friend until 2002 (when I was 18) I missed out on a lot.
Those closest to me I tell them that I love them, I may not say those words exactly but I do let them know how much I appreciate them greatly in other ways, they have all been there with me from the beginning before the operation and now with my new look and attitude I know we have all grown closer together not further apart like most perceive from stories of "my gf/bf left me because I'm now the centre of attraction" they're easy to explain the other half was only in it for them self to make them feel better because they are full of insecurities and probably a little bit of jealousy too.
What have I yet to achieve?
3 major goals left before years end.
1. Climb the Sydney Harbor bridge before my birthday and I have this booked in and paid for, August 26th I'm climbing that bridge!
2. I have spoken to a plastic surgeon about the excessive skin removal and will be booking in an operation date of November. I also got an official quote too, perhaps I should write a book before then about this, the operation isn't cheap to say the least.
3. This one is pretty personal so I won't go into it but I need to talk to someone I know about how I uhh... gees I'm just going to stop there, sorry I haven't been able to ask yet I need strength and courage for this situation, the weight loss and mental changes don't even come close on a difficulty level when it comes to this last one, anyone with half a brain has worked it out already and I wonder if she has realised while reading it that I am talking about you, yup you.
- The thing that scares me most is losing a friend if I go down that path and it doesn't go the way I hope it does because I don't know how to deal with this issue like an adult yet, it's my biggest fear and has been with me all my life but perhaps there is no correct way to deal with it but I do know my way of dealing with it is very childish and unfortunately ruined a perfectly good friendship with a work colleague a few moths back (That story a few blogs back and I do mean just friendship).
We all have our own challenges in life and how we deal with them becomes part of our character, we take that with us through our journey in life and that determines which people we interact with and which we do not, where we go and where we do not go, what we do and what we don't do.
My goal for the next anniversary is well, I don't know yet apart from finishing my journey by years end perhaps next year I can help somebody else who is about to go through what I have? Perhaps I can help out somebody very close to me who I know is having difficulties with their journey, I can be that rock we all need to rest on every now and again, I had one during my journey and I was a rock for him during his and without one you will burn out.
Funny thing is I just had an epiphany when writing that last paragraph, I am truly blessed to have such understandable people in my life I never recognised it till now but the past two years my main trait that helped with my achievements was being able to put myself first and concentrate only on me and what I had to get done, even if that meant putting those I love second yes even when I should have put them first because they are going through the same journey as me.
So what happens now?
Well if everything goes to plan first day of the 2013 I begin my next journey, with the weight gone and the skin removed I will have nothing holding me back, the world truly is my oyster isn't it? The only goal I have is to help anybody I can who is serious about making a change to their life not necessarily just weight but any lifestyle change.
To begin with I am speaking at my surgeons information sessions I am also looking into motivational speaking courses and public speaking courses to perhaps see what opportunities are open in that area.
To finish up I would like to thank you, yup you reading this right now, it's because of you reading these blogs that I continue to write them and by me writing them it helps me help you? It's one of those circle situations but this time it's a good one.
To everybody I have been in contact with over the past two years since this operation of mine thank you for your support, whether it has been a like on face book an email or a comment, a conversation in the hallway at work or a meet and greet and discussion about the operation and my journey I appreciate every single one of you, I have never had this many people give a shit about anything I've ever had to say and for me to have this many people following my journey it brings a tear to my eye (no seriously I have crocodile tears right now), thank you all so much it is true kindness like yours that keeps me going day in and day out.
~Peace out
Adrian
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Blog 17: Farewell to a family member and hello 100kgs LOST!
I start off on a sad note after 16 and a half years the Cuvello family loses it's most valued member the one that always had unconditional love for us all, never judged us, never argued with us and was always there for us when we needed her.
I am of course talking about our dog Butch, a Staffard-Shire Bull-Terrier cross Bull-Terrier, I personally made the call about a week ago to have her put down, after all this time she had developed arthritis in all her legs, she was crippled by the time last week had turned up and I suggested it's time we do this, turns out today when the vet turned up she was also paralyzed in her legs and going blind.
I called mum today to confirm it had been done and she told me how the vet put her down after hanging up I cried for a while at work, left to go outside and cried a little more, while walking from the end of the street I began to cry again and when I got to the front door I fell to the ground unable to control myself, seeing her kennel and knowing she isn't there anymore ... it hits you hard when you finally realise she isn't there anymore. I stepped out back for a few minutes before dinner and said some words, those words were something along the lines of "I love you and I will miss you Butch, I am forever indebted to your unconditional love, you never judged me and were always there for me no matter how you felt you always put me first".
Lest we forget those whom we love and adore.
Hi All,
So what's been happening recently? Well I've been sick, I've had really bad stomach cramping which started off with a heck of a lot of stomach swelling which caused me not to eat for a few weeks. During these two weeks I lost 7kgs (15lbs) which has taken my total weight loss to 100kgs! *WOOHOO* my main goal now achieved and it's been 23 months since I had the operation, not that it's a competition but I think I'm in the running for gold.
http://i.imgur.com/bOmI8.jpg
The certificate I was given for reaching my goal :)
So what's next? August 7th I meet a plastic surgeon for quotes on having the body lift operations (this should be interesting) from there we can move forward and prepare for that.
So back to my stomach swelling issues, I had a gastroscopy which shows a stitch had come loose that may have caused the swelling but isn't the reason why my abdomen is cramping with stabbing pains, so I've had 3 blood samples, stool samples and now a CT scan (results should be in tomorrow), currently I'm on tremadole and panamax for the pain and working because I've ran out of sick leave, I'm running on fumes at the moment and can't keep this up much longer, I need an answer as to why I'm sick but my surgeon doesn't know yet, he's hoping the scan will show something.. anything.
As you have read Black Hayet has broken up (my band) Adam the singer (the alcoholic) has decided to take it upon himself to tell people the reason I had a go at him was because I was going through personal problems. This guy has just taken the gold for biggest jerk in my life right now, for starters he can't admit he has a problem then secondly blames someone else for his wrong doing, makes me feel my choice was the right one to make, he's out of my life for good and moving forward who knows what it will bring, but it will be better than what has occurred.
The next blog will have the report from my currently issues plaguing me and also a little something special depending how the weekend treats me ;)
Thanks for reading
Age.
I am of course talking about our dog Butch, a Staffard-Shire Bull-Terrier cross Bull-Terrier, I personally made the call about a week ago to have her put down, after all this time she had developed arthritis in all her legs, she was crippled by the time last week had turned up and I suggested it's time we do this, turns out today when the vet turned up she was also paralyzed in her legs and going blind.
I called mum today to confirm it had been done and she told me how the vet put her down after hanging up I cried for a while at work, left to go outside and cried a little more, while walking from the end of the street I began to cry again and when I got to the front door I fell to the ground unable to control myself, seeing her kennel and knowing she isn't there anymore ... it hits you hard when you finally realise she isn't there anymore. I stepped out back for a few minutes before dinner and said some words, those words were something along the lines of "I love you and I will miss you Butch, I am forever indebted to your unconditional love, you never judged me and were always there for me no matter how you felt you always put me first".
Lest we forget those whom we love and adore.
Hi All,
So what's been happening recently? Well I've been sick, I've had really bad stomach cramping which started off with a heck of a lot of stomach swelling which caused me not to eat for a few weeks. During these two weeks I lost 7kgs (15lbs) which has taken my total weight loss to 100kgs! *WOOHOO* my main goal now achieved and it's been 23 months since I had the operation, not that it's a competition but I think I'm in the running for gold.
http://i.imgur.com/bOmI8.jpg
The certificate I was given for reaching my goal :)
So what's next? August 7th I meet a plastic surgeon for quotes on having the body lift operations (this should be interesting) from there we can move forward and prepare for that.
So back to my stomach swelling issues, I had a gastroscopy which shows a stitch had come loose that may have caused the swelling but isn't the reason why my abdomen is cramping with stabbing pains, so I've had 3 blood samples, stool samples and now a CT scan (results should be in tomorrow), currently I'm on tremadole and panamax for the pain and working because I've ran out of sick leave, I'm running on fumes at the moment and can't keep this up much longer, I need an answer as to why I'm sick but my surgeon doesn't know yet, he's hoping the scan will show something.. anything.
As you have read Black Hayet has broken up (my band) Adam the singer (the alcoholic) has decided to take it upon himself to tell people the reason I had a go at him was because I was going through personal problems. This guy has just taken the gold for biggest jerk in my life right now, for starters he can't admit he has a problem then secondly blames someone else for his wrong doing, makes me feel my choice was the right one to make, he's out of my life for good and moving forward who knows what it will bring, but it will be better than what has occurred.
The next blog will have the report from my currently issues plaguing me and also a little something special depending how the weekend treats me ;)
Thanks for reading
Age.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Blog 16 - Life isn't all sunshine and honey, you will get stung and sunburned!
Hi All,
So since the last blog last week so much has happened since, I got rejected from asking a pretty girl out, my band broke up and I've lost a good mate to his alcoholism.
The band I was in for over a year has broken up, this saddens me because we had a great chance of going somewhere, main problem though? An alcoholic singer who causes trouble everywhere he goes, he has warrants out for his arrest and would be lucky to leave the state for travel.
He believes he is going to marry this Canadian bird of his and get himself duel citizenship, I would be surprised if she stuck around, she left the first time because of his drinking, nothing has changed since she has been away.
So anyway he and I go out Saturday night for a 30th party, turns out that before he starts drinking he's annoying the hell out of me, instead of allowing me to move seats to start a conversation with a few lady friends he grabs me in a headlock and points to the one with the largest breasts, check them out mate.... no need for details here so ill skip to where i shove him off me and tell him to get a life.
"Hey why are you holding me back? Let me go and talk to her", to a reply of nah you can't leave me here alone I'm bored when are we moving onto the drinking place?...
Fast forward a few hours, he's now bleed me dry of my cash and himself and I say, "Nothing left, can't afford anymore drinks mate", to a disgusting reply of "Oh that's ok I'll show you how to get free beer!"
He then proceeds to walk up to tables and drink others beers in front of them.
I am both disgusted and angered by this, before a fight starts I bolt downstairs and get some cash, order some more drinks and give them to everyone he drank from apologising for him. I'm very lucky I never got my head kicked in at this time.
So he's been eying out this rather "gay" individual and throws his jacket at him spilling all the drinks on the table, before his rather large and tall "boyfriend" comes charging in I picked up his jacket turned around and threw it at him then grabbed him by the collar and dropped him on the ground, shoved my knee into his ribs and started foaming at the mouth, I can't repeat what was said but I was not very happy with what he had did.
After the scream-a-thon was finished I got up and walked out the place and caught a taxi home.
Turns out he started a fist fight with a friend of his trying to keep him in check, that's how he treats his friends hey? Great mate that one.
So with the above two examples what did I learn this week?
Three things.
1. I am too damn kind for my own good and need to push back on people who do not appreciate what I have to offer.
2. I refuse to help anyone when they won't help themselves.
3. I reflected on the people in my life and came to the realisation that I am happy with the current people I have around me in my life.
To expand on point 3.
I've mentioned Scott in past posts, I've known him the longest, 10 years now, he helped me through all of this with some great words of wisdom through his own life experience.
Zane I've known for 8 years and even from WA he can still support and comfort me in my darkest times, just talking to him and his suggestions helped me through these changes.
Tracy I've known her for about 4 years now, she is the friend that was ready to go into battle for me when I turned down my this work colleague, her words are some I have never heard before, they brought me back to the reality of that it is not always me that is the cause of these problems but you will learn in life that in fact no matter how much you want to see the good in everyone, some people are just in it for themselves.
All of this should have happened to me 10 years ago not now when I'm almost 30, it's harder to deal with these problems because well the ignorance of youth would have been a warm welcome.
I am so thankful to have 3 very close people in my life who are there for me when I need them most.
My family of course also helped as they do, they put perspective on my experience.
"You will meet people in life, some will stay, most will pass on by, those who stay treat them well for they will be there for you at your darkest times, and you had better be there for them during theirs".
This has been such a huge life experience for me and I am so thankful that this happened, I am beating my fear of rejection and realising that there are people in my life who can help me through it.
I am so very thankful right now :)
Thanks for reading.
Adrian.
So since the last blog last week so much has happened since, I got rejected from asking a pretty girl out, my band broke up and I've lost a good mate to his alcoholism.
The band I was in for over a year has broken up, this saddens me because we had a great chance of going somewhere, main problem though? An alcoholic singer who causes trouble everywhere he goes, he has warrants out for his arrest and would be lucky to leave the state for travel.
He believes he is going to marry this Canadian bird of his and get himself duel citizenship, I would be surprised if she stuck around, she left the first time because of his drinking, nothing has changed since she has been away.
So anyway he and I go out Saturday night for a 30th party, turns out that before he starts drinking he's annoying the hell out of me, instead of allowing me to move seats to start a conversation with a few lady friends he grabs me in a headlock and points to the one with the largest breasts, check them out mate.... no need for details here so ill skip to where i shove him off me and tell him to get a life.
"Hey why are you holding me back? Let me go and talk to her", to a reply of nah you can't leave me here alone I'm bored when are we moving onto the drinking place?...
Fast forward a few hours, he's now bleed me dry of my cash and himself and I say, "Nothing left, can't afford anymore drinks mate", to a disgusting reply of "Oh that's ok I'll show you how to get free beer!"
He then proceeds to walk up to tables and drink others beers in front of them.
I am both disgusted and angered by this, before a fight starts I bolt downstairs and get some cash, order some more drinks and give them to everyone he drank from apologising for him. I'm very lucky I never got my head kicked in at this time.
So he's been eying out this rather "gay" individual and throws his jacket at him spilling all the drinks on the table, before his rather large and tall "boyfriend" comes charging in I picked up his jacket turned around and threw it at him then grabbed him by the collar and dropped him on the ground, shoved my knee into his ribs and started foaming at the mouth, I can't repeat what was said but I was not very happy with what he had did.
After the scream-a-thon was finished I got up and walked out the place and caught a taxi home.
Turns out he started a fist fight with a friend of his trying to keep him in check, that's how he treats his friends hey? Great mate that one.
So with the above two examples what did I learn this week?
Three things.
1. I am too damn kind for my own good and need to push back on people who do not appreciate what I have to offer.
2. I refuse to help anyone when they won't help themselves.
3. I reflected on the people in my life and came to the realisation that I am happy with the current people I have around me in my life.
To expand on point 3.
I've mentioned Scott in past posts, I've known him the longest, 10 years now, he helped me through all of this with some great words of wisdom through his own life experience.
Zane I've known for 8 years and even from WA he can still support and comfort me in my darkest times, just talking to him and his suggestions helped me through these changes.
Tracy I've known her for about 4 years now, she is the friend that was ready to go into battle for me when I turned down my this work colleague, her words are some I have never heard before, they brought me back to the reality of that it is not always me that is the cause of these problems but you will learn in life that in fact no matter how much you want to see the good in everyone, some people are just in it for themselves.
All of this should have happened to me 10 years ago not now when I'm almost 30, it's harder to deal with these problems because well the ignorance of youth would have been a warm welcome.
I am so thankful to have 3 very close people in my life who are there for me when I need them most.
My family of course also helped as they do, they put perspective on my experience.
"You will meet people in life, some will stay, most will pass on by, those who stay treat them well for they will be there for you at your darkest times, and you had better be there for them during theirs".
This has been such a huge life experience for me and I am so thankful that this happened, I am beating my fear of rejection and realising that there are people in my life who can help me through it.
I am so very thankful right now :)
Thanks for reading.
Adrian.
Friday, 29 June 2012
Blog 15 - It's the end of the world and we know it!.. Wait what?
Hi All,
It's been an interesting few weeks since the last blog I posted, about 5 weeks ago I started having a social life, I've been going out a lot more and meeting a whole lot of new people, it's been a great experience, and before anyone asks the answer is still no, I haven't found a girlfriend yet.
I find it funny on TBLoser and other shows similar to it it's as if these people either paid a woman to sit next to them at the finale, or they were lucky enough to have found someone that soon after losing the weight, personally I'm going for the $$$.
There is however a woman who is temping at work, she's easy to talk to, laughs at my jokes and seems legitimately interested in talking to me, I have a feeling that's as far as it will go but that I'm ok with, it only took 4 friends, mum and a self help book to straighten me out when I was hyperventilating about asking her out for lunch... why must it be so difficult sometimes?
I have acknowledged I have two fears in life, one used to be heights but my trip to Arches Canyon Lands straightened that out when I posed on an arch 2000 feet above the ground, instead while at Disneyland I developed a fear of falling from a ride which put me in a catatonic state (I think I have mentioned this a while back, can't remember).
The other fear is rejection, all my social life (outside of my family and few friends) I have been rejected from society and people. No woman would want to be seen with me and all the guys wanted to tease me, so when it comes to asking someone "Hey, lunch?" it's more than just 2 words to me.
But a great thing happened, she said "No, sorry I can't".
=) *smiley face*
The world didn't end, I didn't have a stroke, I said "No stress, I'm always here Saturdays because of archery, if you ever need to use up a few hours let's meet there", she was happy with that, didn't feel pressured or threatened and "Everything went better than expected".
Challenging that fear or rejection and learning that the world will not end if she says no is yet another huge milestone for me, the last time this happened I cried myself to sleep (on my holiday of all places), this time, I said my goodbyes told her to enjoy her weekend, went to my singers place and we jammed for a few hours.
I am so proud of myself for stepping up to this demon of mine, it can't possibly get any harder, from here it's much, much easier, I like easy :)
--------------------
Quick update, I am seeing my surgeon Friday July 13th, I will hopefully have the name to a plastic surgeon who can sign me up for the body lift operations I need done, I must admit I am happier with my body after these past 2 years of hell and hard work but this excess skin is a nightmare, I'm looking forward to it being removed.
Till then I will leave you with a quote, this quote contains the words I have been looking for since making the decision I have to have the operation and change my life.
Unconditional Self-Acceptance:
"The value of human life is that it exists. You are a complex miracle of creation. You are a person who is trying to live, and that makes you as worthwhile as every other person. Whether you are a researcher unlocking the cure for cancer or a person who sweeps the streets, you have known hope and fear, affection and loss, wanting and disappointment. You have looked at the world and tried to make sense of it, you have coped with the unique set of problems you were born into, and you have endured pain. Over the years, you've tried many strategies to help you feel better and deal with pain. Some worked, some haven't. It doesn't matter, you are just trying to live. And in spite of all that is hard in life, you are still trying. This is your worth, your humanness."
It's been an interesting few weeks since the last blog I posted, about 5 weeks ago I started having a social life, I've been going out a lot more and meeting a whole lot of new people, it's been a great experience, and before anyone asks the answer is still no, I haven't found a girlfriend yet.
I find it funny on TBLoser and other shows similar to it it's as if these people either paid a woman to sit next to them at the finale, or they were lucky enough to have found someone that soon after losing the weight, personally I'm going for the $$$.
There is however a woman who is temping at work, she's easy to talk to, laughs at my jokes and seems legitimately interested in talking to me, I have a feeling that's as far as it will go but that I'm ok with, it only took 4 friends, mum and a self help book to straighten me out when I was hyperventilating about asking her out for lunch... why must it be so difficult sometimes?
I have acknowledged I have two fears in life, one used to be heights but my trip to Arches Canyon Lands straightened that out when I posed on an arch 2000 feet above the ground, instead while at Disneyland I developed a fear of falling from a ride which put me in a catatonic state (I think I have mentioned this a while back, can't remember).
The other fear is rejection, all my social life (outside of my family and few friends) I have been rejected from society and people. No woman would want to be seen with me and all the guys wanted to tease me, so when it comes to asking someone "Hey, lunch?" it's more than just 2 words to me.
But a great thing happened, she said "No, sorry I can't".
=) *smiley face*
The world didn't end, I didn't have a stroke, I said "No stress, I'm always here Saturdays because of archery, if you ever need to use up a few hours let's meet there", she was happy with that, didn't feel pressured or threatened and "Everything went better than expected".
Challenging that fear or rejection and learning that the world will not end if she says no is yet another huge milestone for me, the last time this happened I cried myself to sleep (on my holiday of all places), this time, I said my goodbyes told her to enjoy her weekend, went to my singers place and we jammed for a few hours.
I am so proud of myself for stepping up to this demon of mine, it can't possibly get any harder, from here it's much, much easier, I like easy :)
--------------------
Quick update, I am seeing my surgeon Friday July 13th, I will hopefully have the name to a plastic surgeon who can sign me up for the body lift operations I need done, I must admit I am happier with my body after these past 2 years of hell and hard work but this excess skin is a nightmare, I'm looking forward to it being removed.
Till then I will leave you with a quote, this quote contains the words I have been looking for since making the decision I have to have the operation and change my life.
Unconditional Self-Acceptance:
"The value of human life is that it exists. You are a complex miracle of creation. You are a person who is trying to live, and that makes you as worthwhile as every other person. Whether you are a researcher unlocking the cure for cancer or a person who sweeps the streets, you have known hope and fear, affection and loss, wanting and disappointment. You have looked at the world and tried to make sense of it, you have coped with the unique set of problems you were born into, and you have endured pain. Over the years, you've tried many strategies to help you feel better and deal with pain. Some worked, some haven't. It doesn't matter, you are just trying to live. And in spite of all that is hard in life, you are still trying. This is your worth, your humanness."
Thank you for reading.
(not so)Big Age.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Blog 14 - So far, So what!
So how is the 15 week challenge going? Well I've plateaued stuck at 125kgs and yo-yo'ing like a yoyo...
I recently stopped going to the gym satisfied with my 94kgs so far and have been sticking to an even calorie intake as to not gain weight, so far that's working out well.
Not much else to add really apart from the fact I took up a few new hobbies and my social life is going well, very well in fact happily spending most of my time outside or with new people, giving the confidence a real nice boost :)
I thought I would make the rest of the post about the psychologist I've been seeing, he has been helping me out with my past and how I can move forward, after only a few months my attitude has changed so much it's almost scary. You have all read my past posts (especially 8) and see how I was, how about reading the below and reading how I take a new look at life.
I recently stopped going to the gym satisfied with my 94kgs so far and have been sticking to an even calorie intake as to not gain weight, so far that's working out well.
Not much else to add really apart from the fact I took up a few new hobbies and my social life is going well, very well in fact happily spending most of my time outside or with new people, giving the confidence a real nice boost :)
I thought I would make the rest of the post about the psychologist I've been seeing, he has been helping me out with my past and how I can move forward, after only a few months my attitude has changed so much it's almost scary. You have all read my past posts (especially 8) and see how I was, how about reading the below and reading how I take a new look at life.
What I’ve learned so far…
“Death and Taxes”, perhaps the most popular term when it
comes to life, being the only two things you can depend on.
It’s most certainly something I used to think about and agree with, but now I look back on this term and it gives me a very negative feeling, it’s a depressing approach to life and quite frankly something I can no longer live by.
I find myself a realist in life, I understand there must be both positive and negative situations and sometimes negative does outweigh the positives such as with the above statement, yes death and taxes might be the only two certainties but what about what isn’t certain?
I think to myself (without over analysing the situation) that well what about everything else? Why should I live life thinking of what is certain and not about what isn’t? It’s those uncertainties that I now (after losing the weight) want to explore.
It’s most certainly something I used to think about and agree with, but now I look back on this term and it gives me a very negative feeling, it’s a depressing approach to life and quite frankly something I can no longer live by.
I find myself a realist in life, I understand there must be both positive and negative situations and sometimes negative does outweigh the positives such as with the above statement, yes death and taxes might be the only two certainties but what about what isn’t certain?
I think to myself (without over analysing the situation) that well what about everything else? Why should I live life thinking of what is certain and not about what isn’t? It’s those uncertainties that I now (after losing the weight) want to explore.
So I went to America and I experienced another culture (yes
quite familiar to ours but still different none-the-less) and lifestyle with
many other people from other cultures. I found it fascinating; I wanted to
learn more about the native aborigines (Navajo Indians) and even fellow persons
sharing the tour with me from Whales, Slovenia and Holland.
So what does that have to do with what I’ve learned? I’ve
learned that even with such a negative background and history I still have the
right to enjoy and experience life, I don’t need to sit in the corner and dwell
on the past and expend so much energy thinking about which name I hated being
called the most. I can go out there and enjoy the wonders of the world from
something small as bike riding or talking to another individual about what a
hypnagogic jerk is, to asking a woman for her phone number.
It’s ok for me to be happy; I am allowed to be happy, I have the same opportunities as everyone else, I am no different to anyone else, so I shouldn’t treat myself or expect to be treated any different from anyone else.
It’s ok for me to be happy; I am allowed to be happy, I have the same opportunities as everyone else, I am no different to anyone else, so I shouldn’t treat myself or expect to be treated any different from anyone else.
I am the only one who sees me with my negative past, however
from the outside every new person I interact with sees me who for the first
time, not the big guy I used to be or the troubled child I once was, I have a
clean slate with everyone and how I project myself in the future is certainly
in a more positive way.
I’ve always seen the human body in 3 ways, mind, body and
soul.
Soul:
The soul has always been a solid foundation for me, my
religious background and science interests have allowed me to see and
experience both sides the fence, I believe the big bang did happen there is
proof it is occurring all around us most recently galaxy M81 is currently
experiencing a super massive black whole which in turn will be creating new
life, but with my religious backing I can see the workings of a higher being in
motion, not necessarily the Catholic Churches rendition of “God” or “Jesus” to
the Christians/Mormons/Jehovah’s, but a higher being of intelligence I like
to call “God”. Life is all around us and
my soul is attached to it, I believe in living life with a mutual respect for
everybody and treat everybody exactly as I would like to be treated, with this
foundation I feel my soul will reach the afterlife (whatever it may be).
Body:
My body was always last on my priority list (it was a short
list too) until I realised I needed to make changes, now after losing all that
weight I feel my body is ready actually up and ready to live life, I now have a
fighting chance at being able to experience and enjoy the wonders of the world
from riding a bike, walking without pain, sitting next to somebody on public
transport knowing I can fit into one seat.
My realist approach is simple to this the body is my temple, it will only perform as well as the what gets put in, bad fuel bad performance.
Fruit/Vegetables, water, vitamins appropriate amount of meat each week keeps me energised and ready to fight on the next day! Keep this up and I might take up yoga.
My realist approach is simple to this the body is my temple, it will only perform as well as the what gets put in, bad fuel bad performance.
Fruit/Vegetables, water, vitamins appropriate amount of meat each week keeps me energised and ready to fight on the next day! Keep this up and I might take up yoga.
Mind:
The brain is such a powerful organ and the mind or
subconscious if you will can either aid us or be our worst enemy, the mind if
in a negative mood will cause depression, anxiety and mood swings where a
positive mind will be happiness, pleasure and joy.
It’s been shown that a positive mind has been able to assist with cancer patient’s recovery; it’s been proven (in my life) that depression can lead to suicide/death.
It’s been shown that a positive mind has been able to assist with cancer patient’s recovery; it’s been proven (in my life) that depression can lead to suicide/death.
My mind was always clouded (and still is but were working on
that one) and full of negative emotion and thoughts, as those clouds begin to
life I feel great weights being lifted from me, a positive attitude has helped
me sleep better at night, less headaches and less worries and stress.
My realist approach to life has not changed (if it even
will), I understand that there is negativity in life there always will be but
it’s how we approach that negativity that determines how we live with it, I
feel like I can begin to remove a lot of negativity in my life, from the people
in it to removing emotional connections to my past and even filling up the dead
time I make for myself each night at home in front of the tv/computer.
Filling in that time with Archery, Music, social activities’
delays the possibility of negativity in life and in turn increases the
positivity so when something negative does happen it doesn’t feel like the
world is ending because it’s been one bad thing after another, no in fact it’s
been one good thing after another and there was bound to be something negative
occur, as a realist I see this as the natural flow of life, ying and yang,
karma, good and bad.
My Soul is solid, my body is certainly better than where it
was 24 months ago, my mind is beginning to change, more positivity and less
negativity, I am viewing and approaching life differently, everything is clear
and precise and I feel happy, I show it by smiling more in fact I’ve been asked
recently at work what had changed because I look so much happier these days, I
feel fantastic and I see more positivity in my future.
Thank you for reading.
(not so)Big Age.
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Blog 13 - The 15 week challenge!
Hi All,
I next see my surgeon on July 13th (Friday, muahahaha!), which is now 14 weeks away, this past week and for the next following 14 weeks I've set myself a stupidly difficult task which I intend to destroy.
Lose my final 15 kilos (33lbs) in the next 15 weeks, not only is 1kg a week (2.2lbs) a ridiculous task to set yourself to make it more difficult it's the final weight to lose, to put it in another perspective what I should be doing is setting myself a 5-6 month goal now 15 weeks.
Why am I doing this? Two reasons.
1. I have plateaued.
2. I want to walk into my surgeons office and say I'm done, let's get this skin cut off!
So how will I go about doing this? Here's my training schedule which should work out perfectly.
6 workouts a week (1 per night, 1 day off), weight training/muscle building then high intensity cardio, repeat 3 times.
Note: The below is only for me I do not recommend anyone performing any of the below workouts without talking to a personal trainer first, the below was written up from a schedule written up by my own trainer.
Day 1: Weights (all round)
- 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
- Machine Leg Press (weight 60kgs, 132lbs), 3 sets 12 reps.
- Dead Lift (weight 25kgs, 55lbs) 3 sets 12 reps.
- Dumbbell shoulder press (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
- Rear Lateral raise (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps (can only do 2 sets right now before lowering weight)
- Skull crushers (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
- Triceps push down (weight 35kgs, 77lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
- Medicine ball ab workout (weight 10kgs, 22lbs) (side to side movement)
- Bicep curls (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets (reps depend on weakest arm)
Day 2: Cardio - note weight used in this work out is 2-3 weight plates higher (up to 20kgs, 44lbs)
- 5 minutes bike (I find the bike to be the easiest for me to raise my heart rate and keep it high) HR 180+
- Squat till you drop
- Lateral pull-down (weight 50kgs 110lbs, max reps)
- Machine bench Press (weight 40kgs, 88lbs, max reps)
- Military Press (weight 25kgs, 55lbs, max reps)
- Triceps push down (weight 50kgs, 110lbs, max reps)
- Sit ups till you throw up
Repeat 3 times lowering the weight by 1/3 each time.
Day 3: Weights (shoulders and back)
- 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
- Chin up (99kgs, 217.8lbs weight assistance) 3 sets 12 reps
- Lateral pull-down (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Seated shoulder press (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Seated low row (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Seated/cable reverse fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Cable crossover fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Barbell bent-over row (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
Day 4: Cardio (Same as Day 2 but faster!)
Day 5: Weights (Arms and legs)
- 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
- Dips (99kgs, 217.8lbs weight assistance) 3 sets 12 reps
- Barbell bench press(weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Cable chest fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Pushups at shoulder width 3 sets 12 reps
- Cable Triceps push down (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Chair Dip (no weight) till you drop
- Weighted Squats (no barbell) (weight tbd) 5 sets 12 reps
- Machine leg curl (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Machine leg extension (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Machine leg press (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
Of course the above is completely interchangeable and nothing is set in stone, if I like the way one workout feels I will choose it over another and of course as I progress I will increase the weight.
My eating is changing too a little more carbohydrates than I would like but I do need more energy in the afternoons so bananas are now part of the diet and cashews too when I don't want to eat bananas.
Oh and a few protean shakes a day to help with recovery and well protean is all well and good as long as you burn the carbs that day at the gym.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
I next see my surgeon on July 13th (Friday, muahahaha!), which is now 14 weeks away, this past week and for the next following 14 weeks I've set myself a stupidly difficult task which I intend to destroy.
Lose my final 15 kilos (33lbs) in the next 15 weeks, not only is 1kg a week (2.2lbs) a ridiculous task to set yourself to make it more difficult it's the final weight to lose, to put it in another perspective what I should be doing is setting myself a 5-6 month goal now 15 weeks.
Why am I doing this? Two reasons.
1. I have plateaued.
2. I want to walk into my surgeons office and say I'm done, let's get this skin cut off!
So how will I go about doing this? Here's my training schedule which should work out perfectly.
6 workouts a week (1 per night, 1 day off), weight training/muscle building then high intensity cardio, repeat 3 times.
Note: The below is only for me I do not recommend anyone performing any of the below workouts without talking to a personal trainer first, the below was written up from a schedule written up by my own trainer.
Day 1: Weights (all round)
- 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
- Machine Leg Press (weight 60kgs, 132lbs), 3 sets 12 reps.
- Dead Lift (weight 25kgs, 55lbs) 3 sets 12 reps.
- Dumbbell shoulder press (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
- Rear Lateral raise (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps (can only do 2 sets right now before lowering weight)
- Skull crushers (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
- Triceps push down (weight 35kgs, 77lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
- Medicine ball ab workout (weight 10kgs, 22lbs) (side to side movement)
- Bicep curls (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets (reps depend on weakest arm)
Day 2: Cardio - note weight used in this work out is 2-3 weight plates higher (up to 20kgs, 44lbs)
- 5 minutes bike (I find the bike to be the easiest for me to raise my heart rate and keep it high) HR 180+
- Squat till you drop
- Lateral pull-down (weight 50kgs 110lbs, max reps)
- Machine bench Press (weight 40kgs, 88lbs, max reps)
- Military Press (weight 25kgs, 55lbs, max reps)
- Triceps push down (weight 50kgs, 110lbs, max reps)
- Sit ups till you throw up
Repeat 3 times lowering the weight by 1/3 each time.
Day 3: Weights (shoulders and back)
- 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
- Chin up (99kgs, 217.8lbs weight assistance) 3 sets 12 reps
- Lateral pull-down (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Seated shoulder press (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Seated low row (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Seated/cable reverse fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Cable crossover fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Barbell bent-over row (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
Day 4: Cardio (Same as Day 2 but faster!)
Day 5: Weights (Arms and legs)
- 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
- Dips (99kgs, 217.8lbs weight assistance) 3 sets 12 reps
- Barbell bench press(weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Cable chest fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Pushups at shoulder width 3 sets 12 reps
- Cable Triceps push down (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Chair Dip (no weight) till you drop
- Weighted Squats (no barbell) (weight tbd) 5 sets 12 reps
- Machine leg curl (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Machine leg extension (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
- Machine leg press (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
Of course the above is completely interchangeable and nothing is set in stone, if I like the way one workout feels I will choose it over another and of course as I progress I will increase the weight.
My eating is changing too a little more carbohydrates than I would like but I do need more energy in the afternoons so bananas are now part of the diet and cashews too when I don't want to eat bananas.
Oh and a few protean shakes a day to help with recovery and well protean is all well and good as long as you burn the carbs that day at the gym.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Monday, 2 April 2012
Blog 12 - Tough Mudda ain't got nothing on my workout plan!
Hi All,
Few things I would like to touch on in this post, the first one being some blood work I had done by my GP, the last time I had any blood taken was before my operation so the numbers had already been punched in and the bench mark set.
As far as anything being bad back in 2010, my vitamin D was low, my bad cholesterol was slightly elevated and my insulin levels were very high, finally my BMI was at a whopping 66%.
Jumping straight in turns out all my vitamin and minerals levels are perfect, this included D (sunshine) those elevit seem to be working for me so I'll keep taking them.
My bad cholesterol has gone down by 30%, good cholesterol has gone up by 20% which both are fantastic, my BMI is now at 35% so I've lost 30% body fat from 95kgs of weight. (This is where I started jumping up and down like a little boy)
The biggest change was my insulin levels, firstly what is insulin and how does it work?
Ok the body needs to keep a good balance with sugar levels, we can't have too much and we can't have too little, so when we eat sugar in foods our pancreas secrets insulin to balance those levels back out.
Cool? OK the insulin levels that are recommended are below 10, before my operation mine was at 42, thus it was working 4 times more than it should have been, thus it was on the verge of failing.
Taking you back a few blogs "Hey remember when I said you were going to die at 30?", "Yeah", "Well by the looks of it, it was going to be because your pancreas was going to fail and you would end up a type 1 diabetic which would then be the cause of your death", "Well that's cool and all but what do my results say now?"... ahem, my insulin level is now 6, abso-freakin-lutly perfect! (I love tmesis).
My GP was trying to hold it in so much but burst out in excitement, so now it turns out I'm healthier than the average folk, in fact in most cases even more.
Yay!
Recently (in case you've been living under a rock) you might have heard about Tough Mudda, well my long time brother from another mother Scott did this monster of a challenge with a triathlete and a football player the three of them smashed it, I was asked to join them last year, train with them since I had lost so much weight but I refused, usual story "Oh I'm not fit enough", well this is actually true, yes I've lost lot's of weight but I still have lots of skin which makes running impossible and well also my cardio is up the wazoo so no go there.
Talking to Scott about this recently he mentioned next year was my year to do it with him, the pride he resonates from achieving this challenge makes me crave it, I want to smash this course and throw down on life, winning and accomplishments matter now, now that I can do it I should be and I will be!
Once again my only restriction is my stomach skin, girdles don't work, tape and most belts don't keep it secure while running, the sound of skin flapping isn't cool when you run, the weight of the skin being tossed around is actually quite painful and I must get it cut off before the end of the year.
My challenge which I've chosen to accept!
I see my surgeon again in July 15 weeks away, I have written up a monster of a workout plan at the gym, 6 days 3 muscle building and toning and 3 days high intensity cardio. I have 15 kilos to lose then it's just skin, my plan, to walk into his surgery at 109 kilos (239.8lbs) (or less) and say, "When do we cut the skin off?"
I will post my diet and workout plan on here in the next blog in the next few days, start crossing them off and keep a journal of what I do to confirm I am increasing my intensity and not just floating through.
Oh and finally I'm seeing a psychologist this week to begin work on mental healing, excited to see how this will work out, wish me luck! :)
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Few things I would like to touch on in this post, the first one being some blood work I had done by my GP, the last time I had any blood taken was before my operation so the numbers had already been punched in and the bench mark set.
As far as anything being bad back in 2010, my vitamin D was low, my bad cholesterol was slightly elevated and my insulin levels were very high, finally my BMI was at a whopping 66%.
Jumping straight in turns out all my vitamin and minerals levels are perfect, this included D (sunshine) those elevit seem to be working for me so I'll keep taking them.
My bad cholesterol has gone down by 30%, good cholesterol has gone up by 20% which both are fantastic, my BMI is now at 35% so I've lost 30% body fat from 95kgs of weight. (This is where I started jumping up and down like a little boy)
The biggest change was my insulin levels, firstly what is insulin and how does it work?
Ok the body needs to keep a good balance with sugar levels, we can't have too much and we can't have too little, so when we eat sugar in foods our pancreas secrets insulin to balance those levels back out.
Cool? OK the insulin levels that are recommended are below 10, before my operation mine was at 42, thus it was working 4 times more than it should have been, thus it was on the verge of failing.
Taking you back a few blogs "Hey remember when I said you were going to die at 30?", "Yeah", "Well by the looks of it, it was going to be because your pancreas was going to fail and you would end up a type 1 diabetic which would then be the cause of your death", "Well that's cool and all but what do my results say now?"... ahem, my insulin level is now 6, abso-freakin-lutly perfect! (I love tmesis).
My GP was trying to hold it in so much but burst out in excitement, so now it turns out I'm healthier than the average folk, in fact in most cases even more.
Yay!
Recently (in case you've been living under a rock) you might have heard about Tough Mudda, well my long time brother from another mother Scott did this monster of a challenge with a triathlete and a football player the three of them smashed it, I was asked to join them last year, train with them since I had lost so much weight but I refused, usual story "Oh I'm not fit enough", well this is actually true, yes I've lost lot's of weight but I still have lots of skin which makes running impossible and well also my cardio is up the wazoo so no go there.
Talking to Scott about this recently he mentioned next year was my year to do it with him, the pride he resonates from achieving this challenge makes me crave it, I want to smash this course and throw down on life, winning and accomplishments matter now, now that I can do it I should be and I will be!
Once again my only restriction is my stomach skin, girdles don't work, tape and most belts don't keep it secure while running, the sound of skin flapping isn't cool when you run, the weight of the skin being tossed around is actually quite painful and I must get it cut off before the end of the year.
My challenge which I've chosen to accept!
I see my surgeon again in July 15 weeks away, I have written up a monster of a workout plan at the gym, 6 days 3 muscle building and toning and 3 days high intensity cardio. I have 15 kilos to lose then it's just skin, my plan, to walk into his surgery at 109 kilos (239.8lbs) (or less) and say, "When do we cut the skin off?"
I will post my diet and workout plan on here in the next blog in the next few days, start crossing them off and keep a journal of what I do to confirm I am increasing my intensity and not just floating through.
Oh and finally I'm seeing a psychologist this week to begin work on mental healing, excited to see how this will work out, wish me luck! :)
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Monday, 19 March 2012
Blog 11, The Good, The Great and The Magnificent! ... and my stupid forgetfulness.
Let's start off with The Good.
So the past few weeks now I've been "testing" with food to see if I can make myself plateau and I did succeed, as far as my surgeon was concerned I had lost 6 kgs in 5 months, however the past 6 weeks I was losing 100grams a week. How did I do it? Ate all the wrong foods, so to be proactive I asked my surgeon when I saw him if I could see the nutritionist about my diet it's unstable and I need to find even ground to slow down my weight loss in a more healthy way.
The Great!
So I meet up with Ben and Dylan (mentioned them both in blog 5) and wow, it was awesome the whole healing process is complete with those guys they were genuinely happy for me and my changes.
I had a chat to a guy named Oli who had taken the picture back then (which I linked in blog 5) and he never recognised me, when he did it was like "wow, no way, it can't be you" I'll just sit here and grin ear to ear, it makes me so proud to think that people see me in a different way now, not only am I invisible but I'm also a motivation for those wanting to make changes to their own lifestyle.
Stupid me forget to get pictures taken I was a little caught up in the chatter that it never occurred to me to take any media with them, bah, but I did ask when the next show is, we can do it then :)
The Magnificent!
Before all of the above I visited an old doctor of mine (David is his name) that I hadn't seen in a long time, about 2-3 years ago was the last and before that at least 3-4.
Let me take you back a few years to 2005 to be exact...
"Adrian, mate, you have to lose weight, the road your going down is not a good one, you have elevated blood pressure and your body is starting to shut down from the weight. If you don't make a change soon I can't see you having a 30th birthday".
I asked then what options were available he mentioned lap banding, I shook it off told him I wanted to try and lose it myself before that happens. He respected my decision and off I went.
By now you know most of the story leading up to 2010 so ill skip to that, what I haven't mentioned will come later.
So I go back late 2009 and tell him I'm ready for the lap banding after a referral he gave him his best wishes and that was the last I saw of him. As mentioned in Blog 8 depression hit me when I couldn't get the lap banding because I gained weight, thankfully a few months later my mother knew a family friend who happily referred me to my surgeon and the rest is history.
So I stand up and look at David (old doctor) and he smiled ear to ear gave me a pat on the back and asked me how I was coping with the banding, I told him what had happened and he was in shock, to gain 20kgs in 1 week is physically not possible... but it happened to me, I informed him on the gastric bypass and told him how it goes and he was in shock. "The best thing is that it isn't reversible", "that's the best thing?", "Yup, the operation can always pull me up when I need it and I can admit when I need help". It was amazing to see his face, he has seen me at my worst and today, this man sitting in front of him was a different man from before, pride, confidence, self love and respect, tis a great thing.
Oh and here's a story for you before I head off to eat my dinner..
You know when they say "God does thing's in mysterious ways"? Well for those not religious let's call it Karma or Fate or just plain dumb luck.
So a few weeks back I went to a concert with my brother (from another mother) Scott and the guy who ended up sitting next to me that night.. you won't believe it he was almost my original size before I started losing weight.
I learned so much in that night about the man I was that it actually sickens me to think I put my family and friends through that when I was larger. Few things I noticed.
This guy could never catch his breathe, he let off excessive amounts of body heat which caused him to sweat and smell, he couldn't keep his legs together and always ended up having to extend his legs out to the sides, he held onto the front railing for balance and each time he moved I felt everything.
It was an unconformable experience but if there was ever an experience that needed to happen and one that I had to learn from it was that, I am so very thankful to whatever being or thing that made that happen, I would never have had my eyes opened that wide and a lessened never learned so well than that experience.
To Cam, Damo, Mickie, Scott, Marvin, Zane, Daniel, my parents, my family I can never apologies enough to having put you all through that each and every time I was around but what I can say is am now so very great full and eternally thankful to you all for sticking around and seeing my inner beauty and that inner beauty is who I am today. From the very fabric that is my soul thank you all for being there, I now understand.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
So the past few weeks now I've been "testing" with food to see if I can make myself plateau and I did succeed, as far as my surgeon was concerned I had lost 6 kgs in 5 months, however the past 6 weeks I was losing 100grams a week. How did I do it? Ate all the wrong foods, so to be proactive I asked my surgeon when I saw him if I could see the nutritionist about my diet it's unstable and I need to find even ground to slow down my weight loss in a more healthy way.
The Great!
So I meet up with Ben and Dylan (mentioned them both in blog 5) and wow, it was awesome the whole healing process is complete with those guys they were genuinely happy for me and my changes.
I had a chat to a guy named Oli who had taken the picture back then (which I linked in blog 5) and he never recognised me, when he did it was like "wow, no way, it can't be you" I'll just sit here and grin ear to ear, it makes me so proud to think that people see me in a different way now, not only am I invisible but I'm also a motivation for those wanting to make changes to their own lifestyle.
Stupid me forget to get pictures taken I was a little caught up in the chatter that it never occurred to me to take any media with them, bah, but I did ask when the next show is, we can do it then :)
The Magnificent!
Before all of the above I visited an old doctor of mine (David is his name) that I hadn't seen in a long time, about 2-3 years ago was the last and before that at least 3-4.
Let me take you back a few years to 2005 to be exact...
"Adrian, mate, you have to lose weight, the road your going down is not a good one, you have elevated blood pressure and your body is starting to shut down from the weight. If you don't make a change soon I can't see you having a 30th birthday".
I asked then what options were available he mentioned lap banding, I shook it off told him I wanted to try and lose it myself before that happens. He respected my decision and off I went.
By now you know most of the story leading up to 2010 so ill skip to that, what I haven't mentioned will come later.
So I go back late 2009 and tell him I'm ready for the lap banding after a referral he gave him his best wishes and that was the last I saw of him. As mentioned in Blog 8 depression hit me when I couldn't get the lap banding because I gained weight, thankfully a few months later my mother knew a family friend who happily referred me to my surgeon and the rest is history.
So I stand up and look at David (old doctor) and he smiled ear to ear gave me a pat on the back and asked me how I was coping with the banding, I told him what had happened and he was in shock, to gain 20kgs in 1 week is physically not possible... but it happened to me, I informed him on the gastric bypass and told him how it goes and he was in shock. "The best thing is that it isn't reversible", "that's the best thing?", "Yup, the operation can always pull me up when I need it and I can admit when I need help". It was amazing to see his face, he has seen me at my worst and today, this man sitting in front of him was a different man from before, pride, confidence, self love and respect, tis a great thing.
Oh and here's a story for you before I head off to eat my dinner..
You know when they say "God does thing's in mysterious ways"? Well for those not religious let's call it Karma or Fate or just plain dumb luck.
So a few weeks back I went to a concert with my brother (from another mother) Scott and the guy who ended up sitting next to me that night.. you won't believe it he was almost my original size before I started losing weight.
I learned so much in that night about the man I was that it actually sickens me to think I put my family and friends through that when I was larger. Few things I noticed.
This guy could never catch his breathe, he let off excessive amounts of body heat which caused him to sweat and smell, he couldn't keep his legs together and always ended up having to extend his legs out to the sides, he held onto the front railing for balance and each time he moved I felt everything.
It was an unconformable experience but if there was ever an experience that needed to happen and one that I had to learn from it was that, I am so very thankful to whatever being or thing that made that happen, I would never have had my eyes opened that wide and a lessened never learned so well than that experience.
To Cam, Damo, Mickie, Scott, Marvin, Zane, Daniel, my parents, my family I can never apologies enough to having put you all through that each and every time I was around but what I can say is am now so very great full and eternally thankful to you all for sticking around and seeing my inner beauty and that inner beauty is who I am today. From the very fabric that is my soul thank you all for being there, I now understand.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Blog 10, next milestone... check!
Hi All,
Sorry for not posting another blog sooner I've been so busy living life!
Great excuse I know :)
I will get straight into it this will be quick and short but to the point, like a thumb tack.
I have mental milestones during my journey the first was the operation (check), the second is losing more weight than the average person (check), the third is my blood pressure and associated pills.
About 10 or so years ago perhaps even more I started taking medication for high blood pressure, I was 17 at the time (sad I know), I was on 2x 80mg pills per day, 160milligrams of medication to control my bp incredible really, even youth has it's limitations.
Around 2004 I went to see a specialist at St Vinnies Public and they found out my dopamine gland was secret excessive amounts of adrenaline which is what was causing the excessively high blood pressure, so what caused the gland to secret so much? My weight, my weight was placing it under so much pressure it was forced to do what it was doing, almost crushing it if you will. I was told then there was no cure for it unless I lost the weight, of course I shrugged it off not caring because a pill could control it for me.
Come 2012, February 25th to be exact and 93kgs (204.6lbs) of weight lost, my GP game me the sign of approval to stop taking my blood pressure medication, March 5th approaches and I go for a check up and all is confirmed I am officially not on medication for high blood pressure anymore! *cheer*
Not only was I taking the pills for my bp I was always taking them as anti-migraine medication, since I've been losing this weight I have been having fewer and fewer headaches and migraines.
Milestone 4 survive Soundwave week, Big Check!
Let me pain you a picture, last year I purchased 2 tickers for 2 shows, I only attended one because I was either tired or had a headache or some other excuse I would rather not remember. The day of Soundwave I used my operation as an excuse to leave early, I had a headache I was hungry and thirsty but was still new to what I could and couldn't eat, I didn't have a medical card so I couldn't get a pass out and what they were selling that day was all fast food trash. Awful memories that help me appreciate the awesome ones I made this year!
I was prepared this year 3 sidewave shows leading up to the big day, not only did I attend all three shows leading up to the 10 hour Soundwave day but I managed to live off about 20 hours of sleep that week! 12 hours of band practice the following day then another 6 on the Sunday, what a week.
When walking out of Soundwave after the long day I had the biggest smile on my face, I began talking to myself out aloud even with people around me hearing, this is what I said.
"3 shows this week, no sleep, 10 hours today, comparing to last year, Adrian be proud of your accomplishment, be proud that you smashed this Soundwave week out of the park, you could never do this before and now look at you, conquering the world one music event at at time, I'm proud of you"
Great job son, great job, you do me proud.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Sorry for not posting another blog sooner I've been so busy living life!
Great excuse I know :)
I will get straight into it this will be quick and short but to the point, like a thumb tack.
I have mental milestones during my journey the first was the operation (check), the second is losing more weight than the average person (check), the third is my blood pressure and associated pills.
About 10 or so years ago perhaps even more I started taking medication for high blood pressure, I was 17 at the time (sad I know), I was on 2x 80mg pills per day, 160milligrams of medication to control my bp incredible really, even youth has it's limitations.
Around 2004 I went to see a specialist at St Vinnies Public and they found out my dopamine gland was secret excessive amounts of adrenaline which is what was causing the excessively high blood pressure, so what caused the gland to secret so much? My weight, my weight was placing it under so much pressure it was forced to do what it was doing, almost crushing it if you will. I was told then there was no cure for it unless I lost the weight, of course I shrugged it off not caring because a pill could control it for me.
Come 2012, February 25th to be exact and 93kgs (204.6lbs) of weight lost, my GP game me the sign of approval to stop taking my blood pressure medication, March 5th approaches and I go for a check up and all is confirmed I am officially not on medication for high blood pressure anymore! *cheer*
Not only was I taking the pills for my bp I was always taking them as anti-migraine medication, since I've been losing this weight I have been having fewer and fewer headaches and migraines.
Milestone 4 survive Soundwave week, Big Check!
Let me pain you a picture, last year I purchased 2 tickers for 2 shows, I only attended one because I was either tired or had a headache or some other excuse I would rather not remember. The day of Soundwave I used my operation as an excuse to leave early, I had a headache I was hungry and thirsty but was still new to what I could and couldn't eat, I didn't have a medical card so I couldn't get a pass out and what they were selling that day was all fast food trash. Awful memories that help me appreciate the awesome ones I made this year!
I was prepared this year 3 sidewave shows leading up to the big day, not only did I attend all three shows leading up to the 10 hour Soundwave day but I managed to live off about 20 hours of sleep that week! 12 hours of band practice the following day then another 6 on the Sunday, what a week.
When walking out of Soundwave after the long day I had the biggest smile on my face, I began talking to myself out aloud even with people around me hearing, this is what I said.
"3 shows this week, no sleep, 10 hours today, comparing to last year, Adrian be proud of your accomplishment, be proud that you smashed this Soundwave week out of the park, you could never do this before and now look at you, conquering the world one music event at at time, I'm proud of you"
Great job son, great job, you do me proud.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Blog 9, What's going on inside my head? (Part 2)
Let's take a step in a different direction for a moment, the last blog I wrote up must have done it's job, I've only had 2 people comment about it and one of those comments was from somebody who was going through their own mental issues, I seemed to have either scared people away or pissed them off completely.
Let's see if you like these apples then.
This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8
Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)
This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr
Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)
My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.
So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.
I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.
Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.
Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.
The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.
From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.
It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)
So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.
My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.
I might finish this blog with a story.
I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.
Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.
No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Let's see if you like these apples then.
This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8
Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)
This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr
Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)
My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.
So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.
I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.
Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.
Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.
The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.
From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.
It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)
So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.
My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.
I might finish this blog with a story.
I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.
Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.
No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Friday, 3 February 2012
Blog 8, What's going on inside my head? (Part 1)
EDIT: I have come back to the beginning of this blog after I have re-read it to make you all aware that there is some serious language in this blog, if you are offended too bad I am not sorry for that, this is all about me getting shit off my chest and well it didn't help after all that.
I am separating this blog into 2 parts, the first is about the negative, the second part obviously the positive. I am not writing this up for sympathy nor am I doing it to make others feel bad it is simply my way of trying out new ways to sort through my mental issues and perhaps it can relate to others out there.
They say that when you change your life style the physical is only the beginning, then comes the mental, or willpower/focus if you will, how true this is, you can be physically strong all night long but if you have weak willpower you have a higher chance of failing at whatever it is you do.
My point? My family's belief projected onto me was if you aren't hurt physically it doesn't exist, stress, burn outs these things don't happen, it's just weak minded people not being as strong as the rest of us.
I used to believe this until I experienced my lifestyle change, I hear my dad sometimes saying things like how his sister had to go to Spain to "find herself" then would act all pompous about it. "Well guess what Dad?" I would say, "when I was in America last year I did the same thing", then he would justify his response with something like how I'm not like her at all... haha I find it both sad and pathetic but you have to realise that my parents were born in the 50's, times were different then, times a different now, I respect what he says because he has belief in them, he lives by his way because of his own childhood experiences (which weren't very pleasant), he's seen both the bad and good and this is his vision on the world, yes a little backwards but that too is my opinion on how I view the world.
I guess that all comes down to hey you know what they say about arseholes (assholes) right? Everybody's got one!
I bring that up because it's a regular occurrence in conversation at home Dad brings up his parents (who were arseholes at the best of times) and I think he just needs to vent every now and again. I have no problem with this but I've heard the stories so many times now I can say word for word what his next sentence will be. Now yes as mum will be reading this she is going to say "well your bother and I have to listen to these stories too" and yes I understand that mum but this blog is about me and my healing not you or Daniel. I hope you can understand that, if not I will talk to you about it when the blog is finished.
So my cousin recently decided on behalf of his parents to disown the rest of the family because we couldn't make it to his wedding, long story short apart from him being a juvenile about the whole situation I was more frustrated with the conversations I was listening to during and afterwards. Once again let's repeat the same story, let's repeat the same answers and how I will react to him, for goodness sake can't anybody try and view the problem from both sides of the fence for once?
It frustrates the hell out of me that everybody is so damn one sided, my brother too with politics, when the Labor government do something great, oh how fantastic they are, when the Liberals do something good, "Oh the only reason you could do that was because Labor did this and this and this", when the Liberals do something bad, "Oh well now this is why I didn't vote for them (insert expletives) ..."
GRRRRRR, I hate it, the negativity, the tunnel vision, the lack of free thinking for fucks sake people come up with your own opinion for once and take down the blinds, open your eyes to the world, open your eyes to the fact that if the Carbon tax comes in we will start slashing jobs in the coal fields, then the freight train drivers who haul it between states, then the crane and earth mover operators who do there part, the project managers, the IT staff, the coffee lady for fucks sake! Everybody is affected not just the fact that YOUR bill goes up another 3% to justify this loss and you can't find that money because you only get a $20 pay rise a year.
I've been working in IT for 6 years and I just got my first pay rise, get the fuck over your opinionated problem!
So enough of politics, there is a word I despise, a word I try to never use it is the "off limit" word that shall never be spoken in my vocabulary.
Hate.
I loathe the word hate, I despise it and I hate it. I feel the word is too powerful to use in any situation.
Let me take you back prior to August 2010 (my operation date), now I am going to speak as if it was that date please take note of that..
You have done nothing but cast yourself away from people, you can't walk without bitching about your pain, you don't concentrate in class because the children poke you with pencils, you never smile because you are never happy, you are always angry because the children tease you about your weight, you hate people because they make you feel miserable, you hate the faculty at school because it's always your fault, you're family love you but only because they have to and you will never have any true friends because when your around you make them look more appealing.
I hate you Adrian, I hate your existence, your a useless piece of garbage that should just rot in the ground, you make me feel awe full every day, you are always crying and angry and never feeling positive about life, you sit in front of a computer for people cannot see your weight, you always eat because food never speaks, you play games 18 hours a day instead of going to Tafe because everybody looks at you when you walk, everybody snickers and whispers when you enter the room, you paranoid fool, everybody hates you, nobody likes you, your family see's you as a disappointment, each Christmas family hope to see you in a smaller body only to be disappointed and regret your attendance, nobody will ever love you, your family hate you, I hate you, you should just do the world a favor and die, but you shouldn't even do that because your death would be an inconvenience for everybody else, you weigh so much you would need a forklift to lift you out of the house and a crane to move you from the church to the ground. You're pathetic and I will forever hate what you have done to me.
Signed: Adrian Anthony Cuvello.
Ok back to me today.
I would be lying if I said I never had a suicidal thought, I would be lying if I said I never spent every waking minute thinking about how I could do it without it hurting. Stress, depression, anxiety, all these problems exist it's not just the physical, it's mental your brain can take all your emotions, your memories and thoughts and change them up, to play with you, perhaps the brain has a sadistic side? Maybe it doesn't, perhaps I was crying out for help and the only person I could scream out to was myself.
That letter above, that letter doesn't exist anymore, that person is still me, I am still he, I am Adrian Anthony Cuvello, I am that fat kid who hated himself, I am that fat kid that had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to stop the torture, I went 7 years at school with teasing, and that was every single day, every single period at school and when I bit back it was my fault because I was bigger and could have hurt somebody, well you know what? I did try and hurt those children back then, I may have even tried to have killed some of them, grade 5 I threw chairs at children to hurt them, grade 6 I threw bricks at students then at teachers, 7 I threw my fists, 8 was my weight, 9 was shit I can't remember 10,11,12 I don't know it's all a blur now, it was hell every single day I was always in the wrong, I was always teased and all anybody could say was "just ignore it" FUCK YOU!! It's not that fucking easy to ignore it you ignorant bastards, I can't just sit there and let people say shit to me and not retaliate, you poke a lion with a stick and it will eventually rip your head off. You expect this to be different? Go home, go home and live your imaginary life of fairy tales where you don't know how true of a cunt a person can be, to have somebody drive you into such a frenzy that you want to kill them, that's just insane, welcome to my life for 7 years.
So when people ask me "tell me about your childhood" my response is (apart from the above) "I don't remember, I blocked it all out". I blocked it out because it was a very dark time for me, a time I do not want to remember, a hatred inside me that I am afraid to bring to the surface because it might lead to me hurting someone.
I don't even remember Nan and Pop Withoos, I don't remember their faces I don't remember any time I spent with them when I was young, their deaths mean nothing to me because I don't remember them. The only good memories I ever had as a child are gone perhaps forever... (this is where the tears start).
I can give you examples of my worst moments at school that for some reason don't leave my mind, I can tell you all about my fathers parents and how badly they treated all of us but the two people who no matter who I talk to in my family are always highly spoken of and the love these people have for Nan and Pop ... I will never feel that because of my experiences.
And that kills me, I hate that I can't remember them, I hate that something so disheartening can happen to me, Who am I? What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did it happen to me?
Surprise, surprise guess what? I never want those questions answered.
I cannot change the past but I can choose my future. I will make my own memories I will make those around me proud of me, if they did or didn't feel the same way about me as I did that doesn't matter, I want to do what's right for me. (This will lead on in part 2)
While in America 3 things happened, a past emotion came back to haunt me, I was told my personality had changed and I have issues in my mind that make me react without even noticing.
When in America an old bad emotion came to rise one night, "rejection", this bad boy has plagued me all my life, being the biggest and always the most angry or depressed I was always rejected, the word always doesn't describe the word always in my mind, every single opportunity gone, don't even consider it, any chance.. nope, can I? nope... wh... NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
Fuck it ill just say it, because of my weight I have never had a girl friend, I have never had the chance to experience life and love. The chance to love myself, the chance to love another.
I had figured that since I had lost about 75kgs (165lbs) I was a completely different person, I was acceptable in society, I never got a second look for my obesity, I was a shoe in!
Sadly no, one night we had a big fire dance and a ritual with the Navajo Indians in Monument Valley, the females choose a guy and we do a dance together, it took me 2 seconds to realise that I was not going to be chosen, I even walked around to those who didn't participate and asked them for a dance, to the response of NO!...
I quietly walked out of the circle put a fake smile on my face and said it's cool bro you guys have fun ill take pictures or something... I walked off away from everybody and began to cry to myself.
"I've done so much, I've changed so much in my life, the weight is gone I am continuously told how great I look but I still can't even get a dance I can't even get a smile or an acknowledgement from anybody who doesn't know me. Why is it that this hasn't changed?"
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My personality, my good friend Tracy (who I went to the USA with) had a chat to me a few hours before boarding to come home, I told her most of the story (now she knows it all) and she looked at me (and I love her for this) told me straight up "That's because you were being a dick, I'm not surprised"... I was shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded. "Huh?", was all I could come up with.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't me, I was this egotistical jerk who if I didn't make others smile would have been kicked off the bus during the trip. To be honest I came up with some bullshit response of "Oh yeah, I was trying new things"... truth is I never realised I was doing this, since then I've had a hard think about it and I can see why it happened, one extreme to the next, firstly I'm just physically repulsive to naturally you stay away, now my personality is the problem. I don't blame anyone that night for turning me away, I deserved it but why did it happen? Why did I not realise what had happened?
Perhaps the third thing that came to light in the US was it!
Tracy noticed that after a talk with my brother on the phone one night in Vegas I proceeded to hang up and start talking vulgarly to myself, I was angry, red faced, swearing my head off until I was almost yelling, threw my phone on the ground and I hear "HEY!, What are you doing? Dude Chill!"
I looked at Tracy and remember looking puzzled "Huh?" I think was my response to this, "Dude you were about to go Berserk", I didn't know I was doing that.
Turns out this sort of thing can happen, I'm not calling Bi Polar or some bullshit like that, but it's an issue I need to deal with before I end up hurting the people I love one day.
On that note I did it to my brother a few days ago when he tried to explain to me his Psychiatrist may need to see me ever 2 weeks, I snapped and said I couldn't do that, I don't have the time or the leave to take from work then it escalated, thankfully he walked out before I started throwing things at him.
I was really hoping this would help, getting things off my chest but it hasn't, perhaps I need to "talk" instead of using my minds voice. I don't know, I do know I have a lot of my own demons and the above does not even scratch the surface. Apart of me wants to take this down because I have aired a hell of a lot of personal issues that I think about and the fallback from my parents about what I wrote about them, but another part of me needs to air it out, I need to stop trying to carry everyone's problems on my back, the fact my dad can't get over his childhood isn't my problem, my mother loves her family so much that she sometimes makes this family second and not first in her life, the fact my brother is just like me is also not my problem, in fact I could just be blowing shit out of proportion and not know it.
I don't know what to think, I hate thinking because you over analyses everything then you only end up hurting the ones you love by miss judging their feelings. Oh God I can't take it my head just keeps playing games with me, I need to talk to someone and I need to do it soon.
I may have begun the healing process with myself and yes I can say I do NOT hate myself anymore but there is still more to change. There is always more than can be done, perhaps one day I can remember Nan and Pop again, maybe one day I can have the opportunity to love another, I've started already, I have begun to love myself (more of this in Part 2).
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
I am separating this blog into 2 parts, the first is about the negative, the second part obviously the positive. I am not writing this up for sympathy nor am I doing it to make others feel bad it is simply my way of trying out new ways to sort through my mental issues and perhaps it can relate to others out there.
They say that when you change your life style the physical is only the beginning, then comes the mental, or willpower/focus if you will, how true this is, you can be physically strong all night long but if you have weak willpower you have a higher chance of failing at whatever it is you do.
My point? My family's belief projected onto me was if you aren't hurt physically it doesn't exist, stress, burn outs these things don't happen, it's just weak minded people not being as strong as the rest of us.
I used to believe this until I experienced my lifestyle change, I hear my dad sometimes saying things like how his sister had to go to Spain to "find herself" then would act all pompous about it. "Well guess what Dad?" I would say, "when I was in America last year I did the same thing", then he would justify his response with something like how I'm not like her at all... haha I find it both sad and pathetic but you have to realise that my parents were born in the 50's, times were different then, times a different now, I respect what he says because he has belief in them, he lives by his way because of his own childhood experiences (which weren't very pleasant), he's seen both the bad and good and this is his vision on the world, yes a little backwards but that too is my opinion on how I view the world.
I guess that all comes down to hey you know what they say about arseholes (assholes) right? Everybody's got one!
I bring that up because it's a regular occurrence in conversation at home Dad brings up his parents (who were arseholes at the best of times) and I think he just needs to vent every now and again. I have no problem with this but I've heard the stories so many times now I can say word for word what his next sentence will be. Now yes as mum will be reading this she is going to say "well your bother and I have to listen to these stories too" and yes I understand that mum but this blog is about me and my healing not you or Daniel. I hope you can understand that, if not I will talk to you about it when the blog is finished.
So my cousin recently decided on behalf of his parents to disown the rest of the family because we couldn't make it to his wedding, long story short apart from him being a juvenile about the whole situation I was more frustrated with the conversations I was listening to during and afterwards. Once again let's repeat the same story, let's repeat the same answers and how I will react to him, for goodness sake can't anybody try and view the problem from both sides of the fence for once?
It frustrates the hell out of me that everybody is so damn one sided, my brother too with politics, when the Labor government do something great, oh how fantastic they are, when the Liberals do something good, "Oh the only reason you could do that was because Labor did this and this and this", when the Liberals do something bad, "Oh well now this is why I didn't vote for them (insert expletives) ..."
GRRRRRR, I hate it, the negativity, the tunnel vision, the lack of free thinking for fucks sake people come up with your own opinion for once and take down the blinds, open your eyes to the world, open your eyes to the fact that if the Carbon tax comes in we will start slashing jobs in the coal fields, then the freight train drivers who haul it between states, then the crane and earth mover operators who do there part, the project managers, the IT staff, the coffee lady for fucks sake! Everybody is affected not just the fact that YOUR bill goes up another 3% to justify this loss and you can't find that money because you only get a $20 pay rise a year.
I've been working in IT for 6 years and I just got my first pay rise, get the fuck over your opinionated problem!
So enough of politics, there is a word I despise, a word I try to never use it is the "off limit" word that shall never be spoken in my vocabulary.
Hate.
I loathe the word hate, I despise it and I hate it. I feel the word is too powerful to use in any situation.
Let me take you back prior to August 2010 (my operation date), now I am going to speak as if it was that date please take note of that..
You have done nothing but cast yourself away from people, you can't walk without bitching about your pain, you don't concentrate in class because the children poke you with pencils, you never smile because you are never happy, you are always angry because the children tease you about your weight, you hate people because they make you feel miserable, you hate the faculty at school because it's always your fault, you're family love you but only because they have to and you will never have any true friends because when your around you make them look more appealing.
I hate you Adrian, I hate your existence, your a useless piece of garbage that should just rot in the ground, you make me feel awe full every day, you are always crying and angry and never feeling positive about life, you sit in front of a computer for people cannot see your weight, you always eat because food never speaks, you play games 18 hours a day instead of going to Tafe because everybody looks at you when you walk, everybody snickers and whispers when you enter the room, you paranoid fool, everybody hates you, nobody likes you, your family see's you as a disappointment, each Christmas family hope to see you in a smaller body only to be disappointed and regret your attendance, nobody will ever love you, your family hate you, I hate you, you should just do the world a favor and die, but you shouldn't even do that because your death would be an inconvenience for everybody else, you weigh so much you would need a forklift to lift you out of the house and a crane to move you from the church to the ground. You're pathetic and I will forever hate what you have done to me.
Signed: Adrian Anthony Cuvello.
Ok back to me today.
I would be lying if I said I never had a suicidal thought, I would be lying if I said I never spent every waking minute thinking about how I could do it without it hurting. Stress, depression, anxiety, all these problems exist it's not just the physical, it's mental your brain can take all your emotions, your memories and thoughts and change them up, to play with you, perhaps the brain has a sadistic side? Maybe it doesn't, perhaps I was crying out for help and the only person I could scream out to was myself.
That letter above, that letter doesn't exist anymore, that person is still me, I am still he, I am Adrian Anthony Cuvello, I am that fat kid who hated himself, I am that fat kid that had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to stop the torture, I went 7 years at school with teasing, and that was every single day, every single period at school and when I bit back it was my fault because I was bigger and could have hurt somebody, well you know what? I did try and hurt those children back then, I may have even tried to have killed some of them, grade 5 I threw chairs at children to hurt them, grade 6 I threw bricks at students then at teachers, 7 I threw my fists, 8 was my weight, 9 was shit I can't remember 10,11,12 I don't know it's all a blur now, it was hell every single day I was always in the wrong, I was always teased and all anybody could say was "just ignore it" FUCK YOU!! It's not that fucking easy to ignore it you ignorant bastards, I can't just sit there and let people say shit to me and not retaliate, you poke a lion with a stick and it will eventually rip your head off. You expect this to be different? Go home, go home and live your imaginary life of fairy tales where you don't know how true of a cunt a person can be, to have somebody drive you into such a frenzy that you want to kill them, that's just insane, welcome to my life for 7 years.
So when people ask me "tell me about your childhood" my response is (apart from the above) "I don't remember, I blocked it all out". I blocked it out because it was a very dark time for me, a time I do not want to remember, a hatred inside me that I am afraid to bring to the surface because it might lead to me hurting someone.
I don't even remember Nan and Pop Withoos, I don't remember their faces I don't remember any time I spent with them when I was young, their deaths mean nothing to me because I don't remember them. The only good memories I ever had as a child are gone perhaps forever... (this is where the tears start).
I can give you examples of my worst moments at school that for some reason don't leave my mind, I can tell you all about my fathers parents and how badly they treated all of us but the two people who no matter who I talk to in my family are always highly spoken of and the love these people have for Nan and Pop ... I will never feel that because of my experiences.
And that kills me, I hate that I can't remember them, I hate that something so disheartening can happen to me, Who am I? What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did it happen to me?
Surprise, surprise guess what? I never want those questions answered.
I cannot change the past but I can choose my future. I will make my own memories I will make those around me proud of me, if they did or didn't feel the same way about me as I did that doesn't matter, I want to do what's right for me. (This will lead on in part 2)
While in America 3 things happened, a past emotion came back to haunt me, I was told my personality had changed and I have issues in my mind that make me react without even noticing.
When in America an old bad emotion came to rise one night, "rejection", this bad boy has plagued me all my life, being the biggest and always the most angry or depressed I was always rejected, the word always doesn't describe the word always in my mind, every single opportunity gone, don't even consider it, any chance.. nope, can I? nope... wh... NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
Fuck it ill just say it, because of my weight I have never had a girl friend, I have never had the chance to experience life and love. The chance to love myself, the chance to love another.
I had figured that since I had lost about 75kgs (165lbs) I was a completely different person, I was acceptable in society, I never got a second look for my obesity, I was a shoe in!
Sadly no, one night we had a big fire dance and a ritual with the Navajo Indians in Monument Valley, the females choose a guy and we do a dance together, it took me 2 seconds to realise that I was not going to be chosen, I even walked around to those who didn't participate and asked them for a dance, to the response of NO!...
I quietly walked out of the circle put a fake smile on my face and said it's cool bro you guys have fun ill take pictures or something... I walked off away from everybody and began to cry to myself.
"I've done so much, I've changed so much in my life, the weight is gone I am continuously told how great I look but I still can't even get a dance I can't even get a smile or an acknowledgement from anybody who doesn't know me. Why is it that this hasn't changed?"
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My personality, my good friend Tracy (who I went to the USA with) had a chat to me a few hours before boarding to come home, I told her most of the story (now she knows it all) and she looked at me (and I love her for this) told me straight up "That's because you were being a dick, I'm not surprised"... I was shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded. "Huh?", was all I could come up with.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't me, I was this egotistical jerk who if I didn't make others smile would have been kicked off the bus during the trip. To be honest I came up with some bullshit response of "Oh yeah, I was trying new things"... truth is I never realised I was doing this, since then I've had a hard think about it and I can see why it happened, one extreme to the next, firstly I'm just physically repulsive to naturally you stay away, now my personality is the problem. I don't blame anyone that night for turning me away, I deserved it but why did it happen? Why did I not realise what had happened?
Perhaps the third thing that came to light in the US was it!
Tracy noticed that after a talk with my brother on the phone one night in Vegas I proceeded to hang up and start talking vulgarly to myself, I was angry, red faced, swearing my head off until I was almost yelling, threw my phone on the ground and I hear "HEY!, What are you doing? Dude Chill!"
I looked at Tracy and remember looking puzzled "Huh?" I think was my response to this, "Dude you were about to go Berserk", I didn't know I was doing that.
Turns out this sort of thing can happen, I'm not calling Bi Polar or some bullshit like that, but it's an issue I need to deal with before I end up hurting the people I love one day.
On that note I did it to my brother a few days ago when he tried to explain to me his Psychiatrist may need to see me ever 2 weeks, I snapped and said I couldn't do that, I don't have the time or the leave to take from work then it escalated, thankfully he walked out before I started throwing things at him.
I was really hoping this would help, getting things off my chest but it hasn't, perhaps I need to "talk" instead of using my minds voice. I don't know, I do know I have a lot of my own demons and the above does not even scratch the surface. Apart of me wants to take this down because I have aired a hell of a lot of personal issues that I think about and the fallback from my parents about what I wrote about them, but another part of me needs to air it out, I need to stop trying to carry everyone's problems on my back, the fact my dad can't get over his childhood isn't my problem, my mother loves her family so much that she sometimes makes this family second and not first in her life, the fact my brother is just like me is also not my problem, in fact I could just be blowing shit out of proportion and not know it.
I don't know what to think, I hate thinking because you over analyses everything then you only end up hurting the ones you love by miss judging their feelings. Oh God I can't take it my head just keeps playing games with me, I need to talk to someone and I need to do it soon.
I may have begun the healing process with myself and yes I can say I do NOT hate myself anymore but there is still more to change. There is always more than can be done, perhaps one day I can remember Nan and Pop again, maybe one day I can have the opportunity to love another, I've started already, I have begun to love myself (more of this in Part 2).
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Blog 7 - Weight Watchers! Let's lose weight and count Points!
Hi All,
So I thought I might take some time to explain what I was doing to try and lose weight before I choose the opertation, first stop, Weight Watchers!
I believe that WW is actually a great way of trying to lose weight, it works for a lot of people but why didn't it work for me?
WW Worked (at the time back in Jan 2006) by calorie pointing food, you were allocated X amounts of points per day to eat based on your BMI, weight, height and sex. For me being a 22yo male 208kgs (457.6lbs) and 183cms I was allocated 33 points per day to use. With help from mum we worked out a plan that worked for me, because I had finished my Diploma at Tafe and was looking for work I decided to spend the time at the gym doing 4-5 days 1-2 hour sessions. I know what your thinking now "it's all well and good if you can spend that much time and energy everyday at the gym however the average "working" person does not have this luxury and we get by doing what we can" I understand that, hell WW even understands that and that's what's great about WW, if you can put in as much exercise as possible and you count your points you will have a great chance of losing weight.
My past blog was about calorie counting and I mentioned that I had to eat less than 2000 calories a day to lose 2.5kgs (5.5lbs) a week with some general exercise, this is basically what WW does, they calorie count for you and do this part so you can lose weight with minimal effort, well until you plateau then your on your own, at least that was my experience. For those wondering I lost 35kgs (77lbs).
Now please take note this was how WW worked back in 2006, I have heard that they have changed the way they count foods and something about how you don't count points anymore but you eat certain food groups X amounts of times per day. Whatever I really don't care to be honest with you, I was treated like garbage when I asked for help when I plateaued, I would rather not go into it but WW employees only read from the books provided, don't you dare ask them anything that isn't part of their fairy tale story of weight loss.
Enough of that, so June comes around and I'm wasting money with WW so I ditch them, stack the weight back on (as you do) and a good mate of mine tells me he wants me to Gym with him (yes Gym is now a verb!), come late 2007 and we do this, problem is he lives about 20kms (about 12miles) away and I don't drive, as good as that was it didn't work out, he had to drive me home after each session and the cost of fuel got excessively high. In that time I lose about 25kgs (55lbs) and my mate about 20kgs (40lbs) himself we both put the weight back on (and then some).
The above paragraph pretty much explains my title 2007 - Ups and Downs to weight loss and 2008 - Losing weight with a mate!
Ups and downs of weight loss, what a drag, get into a good routine then bam you plateau, you have to keep your body forever changing, never let it get used to what you are doing, change your food, exercise and routines, easier said than done indeed!
Back in 2005 (after the heart attack scare) I was asked by my GP if I was interested in this brand new gastric banding operation (Lap Band) which assisted with weight loss by placing a band around your stomach so when you eat a smaller portion of your stomach digests the food before it hits the acidic area for breakdown, because you eat into a small pouch you fill up quicker and don't eat as much, at that time I turned him down telling him I wanted to try and do this myself and not go for any assistance options that may have been available, he was reluctant but agreed it was worth me trying on my own.
To be honest with you I hadn't had a chance to lose weight on my own, I wanted to give it all a go, it was new to me, it was exciting, I would watch the Biggest Loser and get motivated then go and workout myself, it was these failures that I had to experience to finally accept that I needed a more permanent solution to my problem...
2009 - Backed into a corner, nowhere to run!
2010 - Acceptance, the hardest decision made!
The next blog is going to be about the two above topics, to summarise let's start with how I failed the prerequisites to the lap banding operation, how I managed to gain weight while on OptiFast and my experiences with depression, oh the joys this will bring to my lovely readers.
It's going to be a very personal Blog this next one, there are so many things in my head that I need to put down on paper or talk to somebody about, I've been told to see a psychiatrist for these issues but I'm interested in seeing if this ends up being therapeutic for me.
Rest assured though I won't go into too much just enough to not pass that 4th wall but enough to hopefully help others who may feel or felt this way.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
So I thought I might take some time to explain what I was doing to try and lose weight before I choose the opertation, first stop, Weight Watchers!
I believe that WW is actually a great way of trying to lose weight, it works for a lot of people but why didn't it work for me?
WW Worked (at the time back in Jan 2006) by calorie pointing food, you were allocated X amounts of points per day to eat based on your BMI, weight, height and sex. For me being a 22yo male 208kgs (457.6lbs) and 183cms I was allocated 33 points per day to use. With help from mum we worked out a plan that worked for me, because I had finished my Diploma at Tafe and was looking for work I decided to spend the time at the gym doing 4-5 days 1-2 hour sessions. I know what your thinking now "it's all well and good if you can spend that much time and energy everyday at the gym however the average "working" person does not have this luxury and we get by doing what we can" I understand that, hell WW even understands that and that's what's great about WW, if you can put in as much exercise as possible and you count your points you will have a great chance of losing weight.
My past blog was about calorie counting and I mentioned that I had to eat less than 2000 calories a day to lose 2.5kgs (5.5lbs) a week with some general exercise, this is basically what WW does, they calorie count for you and do this part so you can lose weight with minimal effort, well until you plateau then your on your own, at least that was my experience. For those wondering I lost 35kgs (77lbs).
Now please take note this was how WW worked back in 2006, I have heard that they have changed the way they count foods and something about how you don't count points anymore but you eat certain food groups X amounts of times per day. Whatever I really don't care to be honest with you, I was treated like garbage when I asked for help when I plateaued, I would rather not go into it but WW employees only read from the books provided, don't you dare ask them anything that isn't part of their fairy tale story of weight loss.
Enough of that, so June comes around and I'm wasting money with WW so I ditch them, stack the weight back on (as you do) and a good mate of mine tells me he wants me to Gym with him (yes Gym is now a verb!), come late 2007 and we do this, problem is he lives about 20kms (about 12miles) away and I don't drive, as good as that was it didn't work out, he had to drive me home after each session and the cost of fuel got excessively high. In that time I lose about 25kgs (55lbs) and my mate about 20kgs (40lbs) himself we both put the weight back on (and then some).
The above paragraph pretty much explains my title 2007 - Ups and Downs to weight loss and 2008 - Losing weight with a mate!
Ups and downs of weight loss, what a drag, get into a good routine then bam you plateau, you have to keep your body forever changing, never let it get used to what you are doing, change your food, exercise and routines, easier said than done indeed!
Back in 2005 (after the heart attack scare) I was asked by my GP if I was interested in this brand new gastric banding operation (Lap Band) which assisted with weight loss by placing a band around your stomach so when you eat a smaller portion of your stomach digests the food before it hits the acidic area for breakdown, because you eat into a small pouch you fill up quicker and don't eat as much, at that time I turned him down telling him I wanted to try and do this myself and not go for any assistance options that may have been available, he was reluctant but agreed it was worth me trying on my own.
To be honest with you I hadn't had a chance to lose weight on my own, I wanted to give it all a go, it was new to me, it was exciting, I would watch the Biggest Loser and get motivated then go and workout myself, it was these failures that I had to experience to finally accept that I needed a more permanent solution to my problem...
2009 - Backed into a corner, nowhere to run!
2010 - Acceptance, the hardest decision made!
The next blog is going to be about the two above topics, to summarise let's start with how I failed the prerequisites to the lap banding operation, how I managed to gain weight while on OptiFast and my experiences with depression, oh the joys this will bring to my lovely readers.
It's going to be a very personal Blog this next one, there are so many things in my head that I need to put down on paper or talk to somebody about, I've been told to see a psychiatrist for these issues but I'm interested in seeing if this ends up being therapeutic for me.
Rest assured though I won't go into too much just enough to not pass that 4th wall but enough to hopefully help others who may feel or felt this way.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Blog 6, Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7, 8, 9 =) oh portion sizes and calorie counting!
Hi All,
Portion Sizes and calorie counting, so I briefly ran over my past blogs to make sure I haven't talked about this yet and it looks like I haven't.
It took me about 6 months till I was able to begin exercising and I didn't start personal training sessions till the 12 month mark, as previously mentioned this whole experience is about listening and feeling your body so of course everybody heals differently.
I wanted to touch on portion sizes pre and post operation and calorie intake per day as of about 1 month ago when I took notice of how little I was eating.
I never ate the wrong foods, I wasn't a big fan of fast food or deep fried, I just ate too much when I did eat. The standard dinner for the family would be spaghetti for example. Lean mince, canned tomatoes and pasta pre made, the only thing better than this would be fresh ingredients from the backyard.
Where Daniel and Mum would eat 1 average sized bowl and Dad would go for half of a second here's what I would consume (yeah that's a good word I like that), 2-3 full bowls including 4-6 pieces of white bread and probably half a bottle of a diet soft drink.
Today I rarely eat pasta because I have difficulty digesting any food that expands after eating, anything with yeast or self raising qualities such as: Bread, noodles, pasta, rice, lasagna, cupcakes, cake so on and so forth you get the idea. So these days I eat mainly wholemeal pita bread and gluten free products.
Now on the odd day that I do end up eating pasta I would eat about half of one bowl full.
Yup that's right, the pasta expands when it hits my stomach, because mine is so small now it fills me quicker by expanding, thing is about 75% of the time I would have problems with that type of food and get sick from it so I just stay away it's easier.
Another great example is chicken, during my time of scar tissue healing I was told to keep up the protean and a good amount every day so I would have it for lunch.
Before the operation I would consume half a chicken and chips, now I'm not talking about any commercial chicken I mean one of those smaller more generous chicken places that would serve you up 2 to 3 ladles of chips with the chicken, then I would look for something else in about an hour.
Now days it's a quarter chicken, skinless, breast with sauce to keep it moist.
An interesting thing to mention that I found out from my surgeon is that when he did my operation he used polyester stitching which never dissolves in the body, (unlike today where he uses something else that does) so my stomach day by day swells by this stitching because it is a foreign object in my body it will never completely accept it, this will never change I will live with this for the rest of my life.
The following is how each day is different due to the swelling; day 1 I have cereal, quarter chicken, half bowl of spaghetti, day 2 where I can eat is like this; cereal as usual, half a chicken, snacks such as protean bars/shake or a decent (big) packet of chips, full bowl of spaghetti then more protean shakes after dinner. When I don't have swelling I can eat excessive amounts of food, at most 2-3 times what I usually eat! It's crazy.
Now the exact opposite also happens where my stomach swells up more than usual and my day consists of this; half the usual cereal, if I'm lucky a quarter chicken and 3 mouthfuls of the spaghetti.
How do I know when one of these occurs? When I take my morning pills, if I have trouble with the 1 mouthful of water I drink to take them it's a "Bad" day, if I can take 2 mouthfuls and it hurts a little it's a "Standard" day and if I can take 2 and 3 with no problems whatsoever it's a "Good" day! Note: I like "Good" days =)
So calories hey? I got an iPhone application recently from a work colleague that tells me how many calories I'm eating with each piece of food I eat, turns out the results are as follows:
Before the operation I was eating around 8500 calories a day and burning about 3000 from walking, moving around, that's still 5000 calories I'm not loosing each day.
Post operation:
Standard Day: 1200 calories
Bad Day: 600-700 calories
Good Day: 2500 - 3000 calories
To continue burning 2.5kgs a week I need to eat less than 2000 calories and burn at least 500 per day, each time I go to the gym for a workout I burn the at least 400 calories.
So even on a good day I will continue to lose huge amounts of weight, but will I ever plateau?
Since I have started to build muscle I have slowed down to half a kilo (1 pound) to nothing a week which is great but what am I actually doing to stop it?
Eating meat pies, eating all the bad food we all love to hate, that's right people, I get to eat junk food!
I cannot eat that kind of food every day though, I haven't touched a meat pie in about 3 weeks now, last time I had something bad would be the chicken schnitzel on Sunday, once again instead of eating 6 all in sandwiches I eat 2 (if I'm lucky) with nothing but sauce and cheese, oh there only about 120gram pieces, which is very small.
Apart from the occasional binge of junk food muscle weighs twice as much as fat does, so when I don't lose weight it means I gained muscle about 2-3kgs of muscle to be exact a month which is about average to just over I believe, I'll have to check that. So yes if I wasn't building muscle I would still be losing 6-8 kgs a month, it's a little scary because I don't know what my body will do as it get's closer to my goal of 98kgs.
Only time will tell.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Portion Sizes and calorie counting, so I briefly ran over my past blogs to make sure I haven't talked about this yet and it looks like I haven't.
It took me about 6 months till I was able to begin exercising and I didn't start personal training sessions till the 12 month mark, as previously mentioned this whole experience is about listening and feeling your body so of course everybody heals differently.
I wanted to touch on portion sizes pre and post operation and calorie intake per day as of about 1 month ago when I took notice of how little I was eating.
I never ate the wrong foods, I wasn't a big fan of fast food or deep fried, I just ate too much when I did eat. The standard dinner for the family would be spaghetti for example. Lean mince, canned tomatoes and pasta pre made, the only thing better than this would be fresh ingredients from the backyard.
Where Daniel and Mum would eat 1 average sized bowl and Dad would go for half of a second here's what I would consume (yeah that's a good word I like that), 2-3 full bowls including 4-6 pieces of white bread and probably half a bottle of a diet soft drink.
Today I rarely eat pasta because I have difficulty digesting any food that expands after eating, anything with yeast or self raising qualities such as: Bread, noodles, pasta, rice, lasagna, cupcakes, cake so on and so forth you get the idea. So these days I eat mainly wholemeal pita bread and gluten free products.
Now on the odd day that I do end up eating pasta I would eat about half of one bowl full.
Yup that's right, the pasta expands when it hits my stomach, because mine is so small now it fills me quicker by expanding, thing is about 75% of the time I would have problems with that type of food and get sick from it so I just stay away it's easier.
Another great example is chicken, during my time of scar tissue healing I was told to keep up the protean and a good amount every day so I would have it for lunch.
Before the operation I would consume half a chicken and chips, now I'm not talking about any commercial chicken I mean one of those smaller more generous chicken places that would serve you up 2 to 3 ladles of chips with the chicken, then I would look for something else in about an hour.
Now days it's a quarter chicken, skinless, breast with sauce to keep it moist.
An interesting thing to mention that I found out from my surgeon is that when he did my operation he used polyester stitching which never dissolves in the body, (unlike today where he uses something else that does) so my stomach day by day swells by this stitching because it is a foreign object in my body it will never completely accept it, this will never change I will live with this for the rest of my life.
The following is how each day is different due to the swelling; day 1 I have cereal, quarter chicken, half bowl of spaghetti, day 2 where I can eat is like this; cereal as usual, half a chicken, snacks such as protean bars/shake or a decent (big) packet of chips, full bowl of spaghetti then more protean shakes after dinner. When I don't have swelling I can eat excessive amounts of food, at most 2-3 times what I usually eat! It's crazy.
Now the exact opposite also happens where my stomach swells up more than usual and my day consists of this; half the usual cereal, if I'm lucky a quarter chicken and 3 mouthfuls of the spaghetti.
How do I know when one of these occurs? When I take my morning pills, if I have trouble with the 1 mouthful of water I drink to take them it's a "Bad" day, if I can take 2 mouthfuls and it hurts a little it's a "Standard" day and if I can take 2 and 3 with no problems whatsoever it's a "Good" day! Note: I like "Good" days =)
So calories hey? I got an iPhone application recently from a work colleague that tells me how many calories I'm eating with each piece of food I eat, turns out the results are as follows:
Before the operation I was eating around 8500 calories a day and burning about 3000 from walking, moving around, that's still 5000 calories I'm not loosing each day.
Post operation:
Standard Day: 1200 calories
Bad Day: 600-700 calories
Good Day: 2500 - 3000 calories
To continue burning 2.5kgs a week I need to eat less than 2000 calories and burn at least 500 per day, each time I go to the gym for a workout I burn the at least 400 calories.
So even on a good day I will continue to lose huge amounts of weight, but will I ever plateau?
Since I have started to build muscle I have slowed down to half a kilo (1 pound) to nothing a week which is great but what am I actually doing to stop it?
Eating meat pies, eating all the bad food we all love to hate, that's right people, I get to eat junk food!
I cannot eat that kind of food every day though, I haven't touched a meat pie in about 3 weeks now, last time I had something bad would be the chicken schnitzel on Sunday, once again instead of eating 6 all in sandwiches I eat 2 (if I'm lucky) with nothing but sauce and cheese, oh there only about 120gram pieces, which is very small.
Apart from the occasional binge of junk food muscle weighs twice as much as fat does, so when I don't lose weight it means I gained muscle about 2-3kgs of muscle to be exact a month which is about average to just over I believe, I'll have to check that. So yes if I wasn't building muscle I would still be losing 6-8 kgs a month, it's a little scary because I don't know what my body will do as it get's closer to my goal of 98kgs.
Only time will tell.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Blog 5, Ben and Dylan contributed to my life change.
Hi Everyone,
I promise not to make this one another sappy story it's actually a good one, one of the many reasons I wanted to change my life and the reason why I haven't seen these guys in almost 3 years now...
So there's a band out there called Rainshadow, they're a local Melbourne "Dark Rock" band, you can find them here "www.facebook.com/rainshadow", now I've known the singer (Ben) via the web since 2007 then Dylan their guitarist a few months after at one of their shows, we all seemed to hit it off pretty well.
Come 2008 (sometime) and I head off to the Arthouse (before they closed their doors) in Nth Melbourne to check these guys out and also some other bands, I turned up a little early and saw Ben out front, we had a quick chat and he asked if I would be interested in having dinner with the guys, I refused his offer telling him I was waiting for a friend to arrive.
I lied...
Why? Because that night I could barely hold my own weight I had pain in my lower back so bad that my usual 3-4 panodine fortes didn't help, between bands I had to take a seat and rest my ankles and I couldn't stop sweating, it was a bad night to say the least and before the night was out I would be in tears from the pain.
Turns out photos were taken of the night and one of me, here it is. http://imgur.com/9TcZF
I was told by the gentleman who took the photo that I looked "deep in thought", the truth being that I was actually angry with myself, I hated every minute that I was standing that night and it shows in this picture.
Another thing to notice was that I grew my beards, something to hide behind I guess, perhaps just covering my oversized neck? Or the excess amount of fat around my esophagus.
I always look back on this picture, it reminds me of where I was, one of the bad moments I lived through yet at the same token one of the best because it was incidents like this that made me choose to make a difference and for that I am great-full to have experienced it.
I really wanted to tell Ben and Dylan this, I really wanted to tell them I was sorry for lying to them, I hope that reading this now they maybe able to forgive me, perhaps it's just me being a little too humble however this was something I have to get off my chest.
So come today how did I move on from this? Well I haven't yet, in fact in March these guys are playing "http://www.facebook.com/events/228479527231170/" I will be attending that show where I hope to be able to talk to Ben and Dylan about that night and perhaps my journey (I know Dylan has been reading these), also meet and greet the other members I've been talking to their new bassist for a few days now that should be awesome.
I plan to take many pictures this time around, pictures of me with a smile and shaved face with the blokes that contributed to me changing my life ... forever.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
I promise not to make this one another sappy story it's actually a good one, one of the many reasons I wanted to change my life and the reason why I haven't seen these guys in almost 3 years now...
So there's a band out there called Rainshadow, they're a local Melbourne "Dark Rock" band, you can find them here "www.facebook.com/rainshadow", now I've known the singer (Ben) via the web since 2007 then Dylan their guitarist a few months after at one of their shows, we all seemed to hit it off pretty well.
Come 2008 (sometime) and I head off to the Arthouse (before they closed their doors) in Nth Melbourne to check these guys out and also some other bands, I turned up a little early and saw Ben out front, we had a quick chat and he asked if I would be interested in having dinner with the guys, I refused his offer telling him I was waiting for a friend to arrive.
I lied...
Why? Because that night I could barely hold my own weight I had pain in my lower back so bad that my usual 3-4 panodine fortes didn't help, between bands I had to take a seat and rest my ankles and I couldn't stop sweating, it was a bad night to say the least and before the night was out I would be in tears from the pain.
Turns out photos were taken of the night and one of me, here it is. http://imgur.com/9TcZF
I was told by the gentleman who took the photo that I looked "deep in thought", the truth being that I was actually angry with myself, I hated every minute that I was standing that night and it shows in this picture.
Another thing to notice was that I grew my beards, something to hide behind I guess, perhaps just covering my oversized neck? Or the excess amount of fat around my esophagus.
I always look back on this picture, it reminds me of where I was, one of the bad moments I lived through yet at the same token one of the best because it was incidents like this that made me choose to make a difference and for that I am great-full to have experienced it.
I really wanted to tell Ben and Dylan this, I really wanted to tell them I was sorry for lying to them, I hope that reading this now they maybe able to forgive me, perhaps it's just me being a little too humble however this was something I have to get off my chest.
So come today how did I move on from this? Well I haven't yet, in fact in March these guys are playing "http://www.facebook.com/events/228479527231170/" I will be attending that show where I hope to be able to talk to Ben and Dylan about that night and perhaps my journey (I know Dylan has been reading these), also meet and greet the other members I've been talking to their new bassist for a few days now that should be awesome.
I plan to take many pictures this time around, pictures of me with a smile and shaved face with the blokes that contributed to me changing my life ... forever.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Blog 4, 2005 - Heart attack scare (turns out it was acid reflux)
So why is it that we as a human race wait for something drastic to occur before we take action? Why are we so reactive in life and not proactive? If you are a proactive person then give yourself a pat on the back there aren't enough people like you in this world. *thumbs up*
So these days I'm becoming more and more proactive and not waiting for opportunities whether it be music, work or just general life, but I wasn't always this way, July 29th 2005 was one of those days.
Why do I remember the date? Well no, not because this event occurred on a this day but because it was my brothers birthday, Happy B'day bro, now go call 000 cause I'm having a heart attack.
I started my weight loss journey in 2006 so before Weight Watchers and gyming it out I was just a tafe student learning to become an IT technician, on this particular day I cooked my (at the time) favorite meal 2 minute noodles! Turns out it's not my favorite anymore because I can't stomach noodles.
About 15 minutes after eating these noodles I felt a tightness in my chest, I naturally freaked out and began hyperventilating and then sweating profusely, I went pale and felt like passing out.
While I was feeling this tightness in my chest I began walking around trying to stretch it out but nothing seemed to work, I scared myself into getting more sick and screamed to my brother for help, by the time I muttered out what was going on he was frantic, he didn't know what to do, he was so upset he was asking me what do I do? He threw a wet rag over my forehead and called mum at work asking her what to do, eventually the answer was call 000 ill come straight home.
Daniel then called 000 and told them what was happening, after he hung up he put his forehead against mine and told me I would be ok, he was shaking so much, crying and frightened, I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed his hand and apologies to him, told him I loved him and said sorry over and over again, then promised him I would do something about the weight.
I don't remember him saying anything else till mum came home.
By the time mum got home (which was about 10 minutes) I was feeling better, a few minutes later the paramedics and a mica crew turned up with a 3 lead ECG and checked my vitals, turns out my heart was not the cause of my condition, they offered to take me to hospital and I spent the night there. That reminds me... I have access to my own pcr at work, I know who the paramedics were I would like to personally thank them for what they did for me, they do such amazing work as do the nurses, SES, fire fighters, police, army and anybody that assists the community, you are the proactive people in this world and I am great full for what you all do for us.
Turns out I was discharged with acid reflux, this is when the acid from your stomach climbs up your esophagus and burns you which I'm assuming causes your muscles to tense up or cramp around the area, just like heart burn but worse. I believe they call excessive episodes of this GERD and coincidentally the latest fix for this problem is a gastric bypass because as mentioned in previous blogs your stomach containing your acids are no longer connected to your esophagus thus it's impossible for anyone with the operation to get reflux, heartburn or GERD that doesn't stop anxiety rearing it's ugly head around the corner from time to time however.
That following day I spoke to my brother about what had happened and I said to him that this was the last straw I needed to lose the weight, I couldn't put anybody in that position again, he just looked at me and said "Give it 2 weeks you will forget this happened", I was reluctant to believe him, "when you are ready to lose weight you will lose it, till then just be mindful of those of us who love you, we don't want to see you go through this again and we don't want to experience it again".
A few weeks later I was back to my normal routine and had forgotten about what had happened, well I hadn't quite forgotten it just pushed it back into my mind.
So we fast forward to today, Daniel is proud of what I have accomplished, each time I go to the gym he's always telling me I don't need to go, he says I look fantastic and don't need to improve myself anymore than I already have, he is ecstatic that I now have a life to live and can finally go and live it, so I started with America October 2011, but that story comes later :)
This journey is far from over, physically I have healed from my pain, mentally though not so much and bringing up memories such as this breaks my heart to think about it let alone remembering as much detail as possible to write down, it hurts so much my shirt is covered in tears now, perhaps I should clean myself up and get ready for bed, another big day at work tomorrow.
For what it's worth Daniel, you may not have always been there for me when I was younger, you are my big brother but you never did hold my hand growing up, but when I needed you the most ... you were there for me from the very depths of my heart, that place where no words can every express my gratitude, sometimes the only proper words to say are Thank You and I love you.
So these days I'm becoming more and more proactive and not waiting for opportunities whether it be music, work or just general life, but I wasn't always this way, July 29th 2005 was one of those days.
Why do I remember the date? Well no, not because this event occurred on a this day but because it was my brothers birthday, Happy B'day bro, now go call 000 cause I'm having a heart attack.
I started my weight loss journey in 2006 so before Weight Watchers and gyming it out I was just a tafe student learning to become an IT technician, on this particular day I cooked my (at the time) favorite meal 2 minute noodles! Turns out it's not my favorite anymore because I can't stomach noodles.
About 15 minutes after eating these noodles I felt a tightness in my chest, I naturally freaked out and began hyperventilating and then sweating profusely, I went pale and felt like passing out.
While I was feeling this tightness in my chest I began walking around trying to stretch it out but nothing seemed to work, I scared myself into getting more sick and screamed to my brother for help, by the time I muttered out what was going on he was frantic, he didn't know what to do, he was so upset he was asking me what do I do? He threw a wet rag over my forehead and called mum at work asking her what to do, eventually the answer was call 000 ill come straight home.
Daniel then called 000 and told them what was happening, after he hung up he put his forehead against mine and told me I would be ok, he was shaking so much, crying and frightened, I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed his hand and apologies to him, told him I loved him and said sorry over and over again, then promised him I would do something about the weight.
I don't remember him saying anything else till mum came home.
By the time mum got home (which was about 10 minutes) I was feeling better, a few minutes later the paramedics and a mica crew turned up with a 3 lead ECG and checked my vitals, turns out my heart was not the cause of my condition, they offered to take me to hospital and I spent the night there. That reminds me... I have access to my own pcr at work, I know who the paramedics were I would like to personally thank them for what they did for me, they do such amazing work as do the nurses, SES, fire fighters, police, army and anybody that assists the community, you are the proactive people in this world and I am great full for what you all do for us.
Turns out I was discharged with acid reflux, this is when the acid from your stomach climbs up your esophagus and burns you which I'm assuming causes your muscles to tense up or cramp around the area, just like heart burn but worse. I believe they call excessive episodes of this GERD and coincidentally the latest fix for this problem is a gastric bypass because as mentioned in previous blogs your stomach containing your acids are no longer connected to your esophagus thus it's impossible for anyone with the operation to get reflux, heartburn or GERD that doesn't stop anxiety rearing it's ugly head around the corner from time to time however.
That following day I spoke to my brother about what had happened and I said to him that this was the last straw I needed to lose the weight, I couldn't put anybody in that position again, he just looked at me and said "Give it 2 weeks you will forget this happened", I was reluctant to believe him, "when you are ready to lose weight you will lose it, till then just be mindful of those of us who love you, we don't want to see you go through this again and we don't want to experience it again".
A few weeks later I was back to my normal routine and had forgotten about what had happened, well I hadn't quite forgotten it just pushed it back into my mind.
So we fast forward to today, Daniel is proud of what I have accomplished, each time I go to the gym he's always telling me I don't need to go, he says I look fantastic and don't need to improve myself anymore than I already have, he is ecstatic that I now have a life to live and can finally go and live it, so I started with America October 2011, but that story comes later :)
This journey is far from over, physically I have healed from my pain, mentally though not so much and bringing up memories such as this breaks my heart to think about it let alone remembering as much detail as possible to write down, it hurts so much my shirt is covered in tears now, perhaps I should clean myself up and get ready for bed, another big day at work tomorrow.
For what it's worth Daniel, you may not have always been there for me when I was younger, you are my big brother but you never did hold my hand growing up, but when I needed you the most ... you were there for me from the very depths of my heart, that place where no words can every express my gratitude, sometimes the only proper words to say are Thank You and I love you.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Blog 3, let's see how stupid I can be! Also the secret to weight loss but hey whatever just because it worked for me...
Okie dokie artichokie!
So when you're in hospital you have to stomach as much protean as you can take (small 250 mill bottles and usually 3 a day), to fit them in between meals and keeping up fluids, yeah good luck. I managed one a day then two by the time I was almost discharged.
I might explain the operation before I go into the diet for those still a little unsure about what exactly happens. 9/10ths of your stomach is cut away this is the lower part and only the top most part still attached to your esophagus is left behind, the part cut away is stitched up so it won't leak and it continues to seep stomach acids into your bowel to assist with food digestion.
Ok now your intestines (Alignment or roux limb {see pic below}) are cut in two and directly attached to the new (1/10th) stomach (bypass), the remaining intestine is stitched into the side of the intestine for the stomach acids to flow as normal.
Confused? Good so was I, it's hard without a diagram so look at this instead.
http://bestfitbariatrics.com/images/Gastric-Bypass.jpg
Protean is essential for the first few months, protean (as many gym junkies know) is one of the best healing agents available on the market, and considering what it does it's pretty cheap.
You are given a diet timetable of when you can start trying more solid foods and how often per day, so the first 2 weeks was liquids only, broth, soups ect... by the third week I was introducing crackers into my diet, then by the fourth week you can start eating soft solids, so fish or anything that's been sitting in a broth for hours. Then as the weeks go on you start going back to solids, by week 6 your pretty much back on solids eating whatever you can stomach and loving the fact you don't have to have liquid meals anymore but keep up that protean, Up and Go's were it for me 2 a day between water and food it made it really hard to keep this up every day. There you go though, that's what you can expect post operation.
So 4 weeks after the operation (3 weeks at home) I decided that I was feeling really good and wanted to go back to work, well we all make mistakes, it's just too bad that when you do it this soon post op that it can actually throw you back in your healing which does more harm than good (obviously).
I catch the bus to work, a 1 hour long bus ride of heavy stops and starts and shaking seats, by the time I got to work that morning I was in excruciating pain, so I popped a lot of pain killers to ease it, this did the trick for a few hours but by lunch I had to leave as the scar tissue flared up again.
Another hour long bus ride back home brought me to tears, no amount of pain killers helped this time, I went home eventually fell asleep and the next two weeks are a blur, I honestly don't remember it, perhaps I slept through most of it? Who knows. Don't rush healing after an operation you can set things back weeks/months all you need to do is sit on your arse for another fortnight and see how things turn out.
----------------
So that's all I have to say about that for now, I really wouldn't mind some questions from anybody reading these blogs, anything scratching at your thought process that you would like to know more about?
Now the time you've all been weighting (see what I did there! =)) for, the secret to weight loss.
There are four things you need to do when trying to lose weight.
Note: These are in no order of importance, they are all equally important.
1) You -have- to admit to having a problem, this makes you more compatible in accepting change and allowing your willpower to control your actions. If your mind isn't ready do not even try to change your lifestyle! This can be said for anything, smoking, drinking, gambling, whatever.
Perfect example, I know somebody who was forced into one of the (three) operations available, what do I mean by forced? If they didn't lose weight they would die within a few months, pretty bad.
Now because they were forced into this decision and did not openly accept it, after almost a year post op, things aren't looking good for them, they aren't gaining weight but old habits are causing issues like high cholesterol and blood pressure from eating the wrong foods and eating incorrectly as per operation rules.
Rules post operation for eating: Simple, chew your food really well so it doesn't get stuck. Also while your at it, don't throw up your food so you can continue eating the mass amounts you used to because you miss it.
That last one is what's happening... it's upsetting however this and other things can and will happen if you are forced into something you do not want. I think they call it rejection, one of our most simplest emotions but one of the most powerful. We did it all the time as kids, your parents would tell you to do something you do the opposite, why would this be different? Your forced into a situation you didn't want of course your not going to accept it.
2) You must put yourself first! Before family, before children, before friends, before your video games or band or work, whatever.. You must be the first person in your life.
It's a simple concept really and I like to think of it this way (apologies if i sound arrogant in this next part) "Who the hell are you to take care of anybody else when you can't even take care of yourself!"
I tell you, being on this side of the fence now I can see this statement for it's true meaning and it hits home to those who are truly ready for change. Those of you who are annoyed you are not ready for change yet when the day comes that you will accept it, you will reflect on this statement and read between it's lines for it's true meaning.
3) Do yourself a favor and learn to calorie count, there are apps on iphones now that can do it for you.
Look you don't need to become a Michelle Bridges and count every single unit of intake as long as you have a good idea on how much you are eating you can compare that to how many calories you burn during your exercise routines.
4) Shock your system (no don't go electrocuting yourself now), before your body get's a chance to become comfortable with the change you made, throw it into overdrive by making a distinctive change.
The below example is not one you should do, but take as reference.
Cutting out carbs and go for brisk walks every second night.
Cut out oils and fats from your diet and eat some carbs, now go on a rowing machine or cross trainer.
Eat mass amounts of protean and go weight training
Go vegan with high intensity cardio
See the above example is all about shocking your system so you -shouldn't- plateau as quickly as you might when losing weight. But hey at the end of the day we are all different, because I haven't plateaued yet after 90kgs doesn't mean everybody else can do that. Oh and quick note with the gastric bypass the expected plateau range is after 50% weight loss, I'm currently at 80%.
That in all honesty is the secret to weight loss, your GP and personal trainer and a nutritionist should all be informed on any lifestyle change before going out and performing rigorous exercise or changing foods that may actually be keeping you regular and happy inside.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
So when you're in hospital you have to stomach as much protean as you can take (small 250 mill bottles and usually 3 a day), to fit them in between meals and keeping up fluids, yeah good luck. I managed one a day then two by the time I was almost discharged.
I might explain the operation before I go into the diet for those still a little unsure about what exactly happens. 9/10ths of your stomach is cut away this is the lower part and only the top most part still attached to your esophagus is left behind, the part cut away is stitched up so it won't leak and it continues to seep stomach acids into your bowel to assist with food digestion.
Ok now your intestines (Alignment or roux limb {see pic below}) are cut in two and directly attached to the new (1/10th) stomach (bypass), the remaining intestine is stitched into the side of the intestine for the stomach acids to flow as normal.
Confused? Good so was I, it's hard without a diagram so look at this instead.
http://bestfitbariatrics.com/images/Gastric-Bypass.jpg
Protean is essential for the first few months, protean (as many gym junkies know) is one of the best healing agents available on the market, and considering what it does it's pretty cheap.
You are given a diet timetable of when you can start trying more solid foods and how often per day, so the first 2 weeks was liquids only, broth, soups ect... by the third week I was introducing crackers into my diet, then by the fourth week you can start eating soft solids, so fish or anything that's been sitting in a broth for hours. Then as the weeks go on you start going back to solids, by week 6 your pretty much back on solids eating whatever you can stomach and loving the fact you don't have to have liquid meals anymore but keep up that protean, Up and Go's were it for me 2 a day between water and food it made it really hard to keep this up every day. There you go though, that's what you can expect post operation.
So 4 weeks after the operation (3 weeks at home) I decided that I was feeling really good and wanted to go back to work, well we all make mistakes, it's just too bad that when you do it this soon post op that it can actually throw you back in your healing which does more harm than good (obviously).
I catch the bus to work, a 1 hour long bus ride of heavy stops and starts and shaking seats, by the time I got to work that morning I was in excruciating pain, so I popped a lot of pain killers to ease it, this did the trick for a few hours but by lunch I had to leave as the scar tissue flared up again.
Another hour long bus ride back home brought me to tears, no amount of pain killers helped this time, I went home eventually fell asleep and the next two weeks are a blur, I honestly don't remember it, perhaps I slept through most of it? Who knows. Don't rush healing after an operation you can set things back weeks/months all you need to do is sit on your arse for another fortnight and see how things turn out.
----------------
So that's all I have to say about that for now, I really wouldn't mind some questions from anybody reading these blogs, anything scratching at your thought process that you would like to know more about?
Now the time you've all been weighting (see what I did there! =)) for, the secret to weight loss.
There are four things you need to do when trying to lose weight.
Note: These are in no order of importance, they are all equally important.
1) You -have- to admit to having a problem, this makes you more compatible in accepting change and allowing your willpower to control your actions. If your mind isn't ready do not even try to change your lifestyle! This can be said for anything, smoking, drinking, gambling, whatever.
Perfect example, I know somebody who was forced into one of the (three) operations available, what do I mean by forced? If they didn't lose weight they would die within a few months, pretty bad.
Now because they were forced into this decision and did not openly accept it, after almost a year post op, things aren't looking good for them, they aren't gaining weight but old habits are causing issues like high cholesterol and blood pressure from eating the wrong foods and eating incorrectly as per operation rules.
Rules post operation for eating: Simple, chew your food really well so it doesn't get stuck. Also while your at it, don't throw up your food so you can continue eating the mass amounts you used to because you miss it.
That last one is what's happening... it's upsetting however this and other things can and will happen if you are forced into something you do not want. I think they call it rejection, one of our most simplest emotions but one of the most powerful. We did it all the time as kids, your parents would tell you to do something you do the opposite, why would this be different? Your forced into a situation you didn't want of course your not going to accept it.
2) You must put yourself first! Before family, before children, before friends, before your video games or band or work, whatever.. You must be the first person in your life.
It's a simple concept really and I like to think of it this way (apologies if i sound arrogant in this next part) "Who the hell are you to take care of anybody else when you can't even take care of yourself!"
I tell you, being on this side of the fence now I can see this statement for it's true meaning and it hits home to those who are truly ready for change. Those of you who are annoyed you are not ready for change yet when the day comes that you will accept it, you will reflect on this statement and read between it's lines for it's true meaning.
3) Do yourself a favor and learn to calorie count, there are apps on iphones now that can do it for you.
Look you don't need to become a Michelle Bridges and count every single unit of intake as long as you have a good idea on how much you are eating you can compare that to how many calories you burn during your exercise routines.
4) Shock your system (no don't go electrocuting yourself now), before your body get's a chance to become comfortable with the change you made, throw it into overdrive by making a distinctive change.
The below example is not one you should do, but take as reference.
Cutting out carbs and go for brisk walks every second night.
Cut out oils and fats from your diet and eat some carbs, now go on a rowing machine or cross trainer.
Eat mass amounts of protean and go weight training
Go vegan with high intensity cardio
See the above example is all about shocking your system so you -shouldn't- plateau as quickly as you might when losing weight. But hey at the end of the day we are all different, because I haven't plateaued yet after 90kgs doesn't mean everybody else can do that. Oh and quick note with the gastric bypass the expected plateau range is after 50% weight loss, I'm currently at 80%.
That in all honesty is the secret to weight loss, your GP and personal trainer and a nutritionist should all be informed on any lifestyle change before going out and performing rigorous exercise or changing foods that may actually be keeping you regular and happy inside.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
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