Let's take a step in a different direction for a moment, the last blog I wrote up must have done it's job, I've only had 2 people comment about it and one of those comments was from somebody who was going through their own mental issues, I seemed to have either scared people away or pissed them off completely.
Let's see if you like these apples then.
This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8
Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)
This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr
Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)
My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.
So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.
I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.
Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.
Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.
The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.
From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.
It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)
So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.
My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.
I might finish this blog with a story.
I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.
Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.
No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
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