Blog 15 - It's the end of the world and we know it!.. Wait what?

Hi All,

It's been an interesting few weeks since the last blog I posted, about 5 weeks ago I started having a social life, I've been going out a lot more and meeting a whole lot of new people, it's been a great experience, and before anyone asks the answer is still no, I haven't found a girlfriend yet.
I find it funny on TBLoser and other shows similar to it it's as if these people either paid a woman to sit next to them at the finale, or they were lucky enough to have found someone that soon after losing the weight, personally I'm going for the $$$.

There is however a woman who is temping at work, she's easy to talk to, laughs at my jokes and seems legitimately interested in talking to me, I have a feeling that's as far as it will go but that I'm ok with, it only took 4 friends, mum and a self help book to straighten me out when I was hyperventilating about asking her out for lunch... why must it be so difficult sometimes?

I have acknowledged I have two fears in life, one used to be heights but my trip to Arches Canyon Lands straightened that out when I posed on an arch 2000 feet above the ground, instead while at Disneyland I developed a fear of falling from a ride which put me in a catatonic state (I think I have mentioned this a while back, can't remember).
The other fear is rejection, all my social life (outside of my family and few friends) I have been rejected from society and people. No woman would want to be seen with me and all the guys wanted to tease me, so when it comes to asking someone "Hey, lunch?" it's more than just 2 words to me.

But a great thing happened, she said "No, sorry I can't".

=) *smiley face*

The world didn't end, I didn't have a stroke, I said "No stress, I'm always here Saturdays because of archery, if you ever need to use up a few hours let's meet there", she was happy with that, didn't feel pressured or threatened and "Everything went better than expected".

Challenging that fear or rejection and learning that the world will not end if she says no is yet another huge milestone for me, the last time this happened I cried myself to sleep (on my holiday of all places), this time, I said my goodbyes told her to enjoy her weekend, went to my singers place and we jammed for a few hours.

I am so proud of myself for stepping up to this demon of mine, it can't possibly get any harder, from here it's much, much easier, I like easy :)

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Quick update, I am seeing my surgeon Friday July 13th, I will hopefully have the name to a plastic surgeon who can sign me up for the body lift operations I need done, I must admit I am happier with my body after these past 2 years of hell and hard work but this excess skin is a nightmare, I'm looking forward to it being removed.

Till then I will leave you with a quote, this quote contains the words I have been looking for since making the decision I have to have the operation and change my life.

Unconditional Self-Acceptance:
"The value of human life is that it exists. You are a complex miracle of creation. You are a person who is trying to live, and that makes you as worthwhile as every other person. Whether you are a researcher unlocking the cure for cancer or a person who sweeps the streets, you have known hope and fear, affection and loss, wanting and disappointment. You have looked at the world and tried to make sense of it, you have coped with the unique set of problems you were born into, and you have endured pain. Over the years, you've tried many strategies to help you feel better and deal with pain. Some worked, some haven't. It doesn't matter, you are just trying to live. And in spite of all that is hard in life, you are still trying. This is your worth, your humanness."

Thank you for reading.

(not so)Big Age.

Blog 14 - So far, So what!

So how is the 15 week challenge going? Well I've plateaued stuck at 125kgs and yo-yo'ing like a yoyo...

I recently stopped going to the gym satisfied with my 94kgs so far and have been sticking to an even calorie intake as to not gain weight, so far that's working out well.
Not much else to add really apart from the fact I took up a few new hobbies and my social life is going well, very well in fact happily spending most of my time outside or with new people, giving the confidence a real nice boost :)

I thought I would make the rest of the post about the psychologist I've been seeing, he has been helping me out with my past and how I can move forward, after only a few months my attitude has changed so much it's almost scary. You have all read my past posts (especially 8) and see how I was, how about reading the below and reading how I take a new look at life.

What I’ve learned so far…

“Death and Taxes”, perhaps the most popular term when it comes to life, being the only two things you can depend on.
It’s most certainly something I used to think about and agree with, but now I look back on this term and it gives me a very negative feeling, it’s a depressing approach to life and quite frankly something I can no longer live by.

I find myself a realist in life, I understand there must be both positive and negative situations and sometimes negative does outweigh the positives such as with the above statement, yes death and taxes might be the only two certainties but what about what isn’t certain?
I think to myself (without over analysing the situation) that well what about everything else? Why should I live life thinking of what is certain and not about what isn’t? It’s those uncertainties that I now (after losing the weight) want to explore.

So I went to America and I experienced another culture (yes quite familiar to ours but still different none-the-less) and lifestyle with many other people from other cultures. I found it fascinating; I wanted to learn more about the native aborigines (Navajo Indians) and even fellow persons sharing the tour with me from Whales, Slovenia and Holland.

So what does that have to do with what I’ve learned? I’ve learned that even with such a negative background and history I still have the right to enjoy and experience life, I don’t need to sit in the corner and dwell on the past and expend so much energy thinking about which name I hated being called the most. I can go out there and enjoy the wonders of the world from something small as bike riding or talking to another individual about what a hypnagogic jerk is, to asking a woman for her phone number.

It’s ok for me to be happy; I am allowed to be happy, I have the same opportunities as everyone else, I am no different to anyone else, so I shouldn’t treat myself or expect to be treated any different from anyone else.

I am the only one who sees me with my negative past, however from the outside every new person I interact with sees me who for the first time, not the big guy I used to be or the troubled child I once was, I have a clean slate with everyone and how I project myself in the future is certainly in a more positive way.

I’ve always seen the human body in 3 ways, mind, body and soul.

Soul:

The soul has always been a solid foundation for me, my religious background and science interests have allowed me to see and experience both sides the fence, I believe the big bang did happen there is proof it is occurring all around us most recently galaxy M81 is currently experiencing a super massive black whole which in turn will be creating new life, but with my religious backing I can see the workings of a higher being in motion, not necessarily the Catholic Churches rendition of “God” or “Jesus” to the Christians/Mormons/Jehovah’s, but a higher being of intelligence I like to  call “God”. Life is all around us and my soul is attached to it, I believe in living life with a mutual respect for everybody and treat everybody exactly as I would like to be treated, with this foundation I feel my soul will reach the afterlife (whatever it may be).

Body:

My body was always last on my priority list (it was a short list too) until I realised I needed to make changes, now after losing all that weight I feel my body is ready actually up and ready to live life, I now have a fighting chance at being able to experience and enjoy the wonders of the world from riding a bike, walking without pain, sitting next to somebody on public transport knowing I can fit into one seat.
My realist approach is simple to this the body is my temple, it will only perform as well as the what gets put in, bad fuel bad performance.
Fruit/Vegetables, water, vitamins appropriate amount of meat each week keeps me energised and ready to fight on the next day! Keep this up and I might take up yoga.

Mind:

The brain is such a powerful organ and the mind or subconscious if you will can either aid us or be our worst enemy, the mind if in a negative mood will cause depression, anxiety and mood swings where a positive mind will be happiness, pleasure and joy.
It’s been shown that a positive mind has been able to assist with cancer patient’s recovery; it’s been proven (in my life) that depression can lead to suicide/death.

My mind was always clouded (and still is but were working on that one) and full of negative emotion and thoughts, as those clouds begin to life I feel great weights being lifted from me, a positive attitude has helped me sleep better at night, less headaches and less worries and stress.

My realist approach to life has not changed (if it even will), I understand that there is negativity in life there always will be but it’s how we approach that negativity that determines how we live with it, I feel like I can begin to remove a lot of negativity in my life, from the people in it to removing emotional connections to my past and even filling up the dead time I make for myself each night at home in front of the tv/computer.

Filling in that time with Archery, Music, social activities’ delays the possibility of negativity in life and in turn increases the positivity so when something negative does happen it doesn’t feel like the world is ending because it’s been one bad thing after another, no in fact it’s been one good thing after another and there was bound to be something negative occur, as a realist I see this as the natural flow of life, ying and yang, karma, good and bad.

My Soul is solid, my body is certainly better than where it was 24 months ago, my mind is beginning to change, more positivity and less negativity, I am viewing and approaching life differently, everything is clear and precise and I feel happy, I show it by smiling more in fact I’ve been asked recently at work what had changed because I look so much happier these days, I feel fantastic and I see more positivity in my future.

Thank you for reading.

(not so)Big Age.