Let's take a step in a different direction for a moment, the last blog I wrote up must have done it's job, I've only had 2 people comment about it and one of those comments was from somebody who was going through their own mental issues, I seemed to have either scared people away or pissed them off completely.
Let's see if you like these apples then.
This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8
Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)
This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr
Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)
My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.
So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.
I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.
Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.
Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.
The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.
From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.
It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)
So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.
My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.
I might finish this blog with a story.
I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.
Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.
No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Friday, 3 February 2012
Blog 8, What's going on inside my head? (Part 1)
EDIT: I have come back to the beginning of this blog after I have re-read it to make you all aware that there is some serious language in this blog, if you are offended too bad I am not sorry for that, this is all about me getting shit off my chest and well it didn't help after all that.
I am separating this blog into 2 parts, the first is about the negative, the second part obviously the positive. I am not writing this up for sympathy nor am I doing it to make others feel bad it is simply my way of trying out new ways to sort through my mental issues and perhaps it can relate to others out there.
They say that when you change your life style the physical is only the beginning, then comes the mental, or willpower/focus if you will, how true this is, you can be physically strong all night long but if you have weak willpower you have a higher chance of failing at whatever it is you do.
My point? My family's belief projected onto me was if you aren't hurt physically it doesn't exist, stress, burn outs these things don't happen, it's just weak minded people not being as strong as the rest of us.
I used to believe this until I experienced my lifestyle change, I hear my dad sometimes saying things like how his sister had to go to Spain to "find herself" then would act all pompous about it. "Well guess what Dad?" I would say, "when I was in America last year I did the same thing", then he would justify his response with something like how I'm not like her at all... haha I find it both sad and pathetic but you have to realise that my parents were born in the 50's, times were different then, times a different now, I respect what he says because he has belief in them, he lives by his way because of his own childhood experiences (which weren't very pleasant), he's seen both the bad and good and this is his vision on the world, yes a little backwards but that too is my opinion on how I view the world.
I guess that all comes down to hey you know what they say about arseholes (assholes) right? Everybody's got one!
I bring that up because it's a regular occurrence in conversation at home Dad brings up his parents (who were arseholes at the best of times) and I think he just needs to vent every now and again. I have no problem with this but I've heard the stories so many times now I can say word for word what his next sentence will be. Now yes as mum will be reading this she is going to say "well your bother and I have to listen to these stories too" and yes I understand that mum but this blog is about me and my healing not you or Daniel. I hope you can understand that, if not I will talk to you about it when the blog is finished.
So my cousin recently decided on behalf of his parents to disown the rest of the family because we couldn't make it to his wedding, long story short apart from him being a juvenile about the whole situation I was more frustrated with the conversations I was listening to during and afterwards. Once again let's repeat the same story, let's repeat the same answers and how I will react to him, for goodness sake can't anybody try and view the problem from both sides of the fence for once?
It frustrates the hell out of me that everybody is so damn one sided, my brother too with politics, when the Labor government do something great, oh how fantastic they are, when the Liberals do something good, "Oh the only reason you could do that was because Labor did this and this and this", when the Liberals do something bad, "Oh well now this is why I didn't vote for them (insert expletives) ..."
GRRRRRR, I hate it, the negativity, the tunnel vision, the lack of free thinking for fucks sake people come up with your own opinion for once and take down the blinds, open your eyes to the world, open your eyes to the fact that if the Carbon tax comes in we will start slashing jobs in the coal fields, then the freight train drivers who haul it between states, then the crane and earth mover operators who do there part, the project managers, the IT staff, the coffee lady for fucks sake! Everybody is affected not just the fact that YOUR bill goes up another 3% to justify this loss and you can't find that money because you only get a $20 pay rise a year.
I've been working in IT for 6 years and I just got my first pay rise, get the fuck over your opinionated problem!
So enough of politics, there is a word I despise, a word I try to never use it is the "off limit" word that shall never be spoken in my vocabulary.
Hate.
I loathe the word hate, I despise it and I hate it. I feel the word is too powerful to use in any situation.
Let me take you back prior to August 2010 (my operation date), now I am going to speak as if it was that date please take note of that..
You have done nothing but cast yourself away from people, you can't walk without bitching about your pain, you don't concentrate in class because the children poke you with pencils, you never smile because you are never happy, you are always angry because the children tease you about your weight, you hate people because they make you feel miserable, you hate the faculty at school because it's always your fault, you're family love you but only because they have to and you will never have any true friends because when your around you make them look more appealing.
I hate you Adrian, I hate your existence, your a useless piece of garbage that should just rot in the ground, you make me feel awe full every day, you are always crying and angry and never feeling positive about life, you sit in front of a computer for people cannot see your weight, you always eat because food never speaks, you play games 18 hours a day instead of going to Tafe because everybody looks at you when you walk, everybody snickers and whispers when you enter the room, you paranoid fool, everybody hates you, nobody likes you, your family see's you as a disappointment, each Christmas family hope to see you in a smaller body only to be disappointed and regret your attendance, nobody will ever love you, your family hate you, I hate you, you should just do the world a favor and die, but you shouldn't even do that because your death would be an inconvenience for everybody else, you weigh so much you would need a forklift to lift you out of the house and a crane to move you from the church to the ground. You're pathetic and I will forever hate what you have done to me.
Signed: Adrian Anthony Cuvello.
Ok back to me today.
I would be lying if I said I never had a suicidal thought, I would be lying if I said I never spent every waking minute thinking about how I could do it without it hurting. Stress, depression, anxiety, all these problems exist it's not just the physical, it's mental your brain can take all your emotions, your memories and thoughts and change them up, to play with you, perhaps the brain has a sadistic side? Maybe it doesn't, perhaps I was crying out for help and the only person I could scream out to was myself.
That letter above, that letter doesn't exist anymore, that person is still me, I am still he, I am Adrian Anthony Cuvello, I am that fat kid who hated himself, I am that fat kid that had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to stop the torture, I went 7 years at school with teasing, and that was every single day, every single period at school and when I bit back it was my fault because I was bigger and could have hurt somebody, well you know what? I did try and hurt those children back then, I may have even tried to have killed some of them, grade 5 I threw chairs at children to hurt them, grade 6 I threw bricks at students then at teachers, 7 I threw my fists, 8 was my weight, 9 was shit I can't remember 10,11,12 I don't know it's all a blur now, it was hell every single day I was always in the wrong, I was always teased and all anybody could say was "just ignore it" FUCK YOU!! It's not that fucking easy to ignore it you ignorant bastards, I can't just sit there and let people say shit to me and not retaliate, you poke a lion with a stick and it will eventually rip your head off. You expect this to be different? Go home, go home and live your imaginary life of fairy tales where you don't know how true of a cunt a person can be, to have somebody drive you into such a frenzy that you want to kill them, that's just insane, welcome to my life for 7 years.
So when people ask me "tell me about your childhood" my response is (apart from the above) "I don't remember, I blocked it all out". I blocked it out because it was a very dark time for me, a time I do not want to remember, a hatred inside me that I am afraid to bring to the surface because it might lead to me hurting someone.
I don't even remember Nan and Pop Withoos, I don't remember their faces I don't remember any time I spent with them when I was young, their deaths mean nothing to me because I don't remember them. The only good memories I ever had as a child are gone perhaps forever... (this is where the tears start).
I can give you examples of my worst moments at school that for some reason don't leave my mind, I can tell you all about my fathers parents and how badly they treated all of us but the two people who no matter who I talk to in my family are always highly spoken of and the love these people have for Nan and Pop ... I will never feel that because of my experiences.
And that kills me, I hate that I can't remember them, I hate that something so disheartening can happen to me, Who am I? What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did it happen to me?
Surprise, surprise guess what? I never want those questions answered.
I cannot change the past but I can choose my future. I will make my own memories I will make those around me proud of me, if they did or didn't feel the same way about me as I did that doesn't matter, I want to do what's right for me. (This will lead on in part 2)
While in America 3 things happened, a past emotion came back to haunt me, I was told my personality had changed and I have issues in my mind that make me react without even noticing.
When in America an old bad emotion came to rise one night, "rejection", this bad boy has plagued me all my life, being the biggest and always the most angry or depressed I was always rejected, the word always doesn't describe the word always in my mind, every single opportunity gone, don't even consider it, any chance.. nope, can I? nope... wh... NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
Fuck it ill just say it, because of my weight I have never had a girl friend, I have never had the chance to experience life and love. The chance to love myself, the chance to love another.
I had figured that since I had lost about 75kgs (165lbs) I was a completely different person, I was acceptable in society, I never got a second look for my obesity, I was a shoe in!
Sadly no, one night we had a big fire dance and a ritual with the Navajo Indians in Monument Valley, the females choose a guy and we do a dance together, it took me 2 seconds to realise that I was not going to be chosen, I even walked around to those who didn't participate and asked them for a dance, to the response of NO!...
I quietly walked out of the circle put a fake smile on my face and said it's cool bro you guys have fun ill take pictures or something... I walked off away from everybody and began to cry to myself.
"I've done so much, I've changed so much in my life, the weight is gone I am continuously told how great I look but I still can't even get a dance I can't even get a smile or an acknowledgement from anybody who doesn't know me. Why is it that this hasn't changed?"
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My personality, my good friend Tracy (who I went to the USA with) had a chat to me a few hours before boarding to come home, I told her most of the story (now she knows it all) and she looked at me (and I love her for this) told me straight up "That's because you were being a dick, I'm not surprised"... I was shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded. "Huh?", was all I could come up with.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't me, I was this egotistical jerk who if I didn't make others smile would have been kicked off the bus during the trip. To be honest I came up with some bullshit response of "Oh yeah, I was trying new things"... truth is I never realised I was doing this, since then I've had a hard think about it and I can see why it happened, one extreme to the next, firstly I'm just physically repulsive to naturally you stay away, now my personality is the problem. I don't blame anyone that night for turning me away, I deserved it but why did it happen? Why did I not realise what had happened?
Perhaps the third thing that came to light in the US was it!
Tracy noticed that after a talk with my brother on the phone one night in Vegas I proceeded to hang up and start talking vulgarly to myself, I was angry, red faced, swearing my head off until I was almost yelling, threw my phone on the ground and I hear "HEY!, What are you doing? Dude Chill!"
I looked at Tracy and remember looking puzzled "Huh?" I think was my response to this, "Dude you were about to go Berserk", I didn't know I was doing that.
Turns out this sort of thing can happen, I'm not calling Bi Polar or some bullshit like that, but it's an issue I need to deal with before I end up hurting the people I love one day.
On that note I did it to my brother a few days ago when he tried to explain to me his Psychiatrist may need to see me ever 2 weeks, I snapped and said I couldn't do that, I don't have the time or the leave to take from work then it escalated, thankfully he walked out before I started throwing things at him.
I was really hoping this would help, getting things off my chest but it hasn't, perhaps I need to "talk" instead of using my minds voice. I don't know, I do know I have a lot of my own demons and the above does not even scratch the surface. Apart of me wants to take this down because I have aired a hell of a lot of personal issues that I think about and the fallback from my parents about what I wrote about them, but another part of me needs to air it out, I need to stop trying to carry everyone's problems on my back, the fact my dad can't get over his childhood isn't my problem, my mother loves her family so much that she sometimes makes this family second and not first in her life, the fact my brother is just like me is also not my problem, in fact I could just be blowing shit out of proportion and not know it.
I don't know what to think, I hate thinking because you over analyses everything then you only end up hurting the ones you love by miss judging their feelings. Oh God I can't take it my head just keeps playing games with me, I need to talk to someone and I need to do it soon.
I may have begun the healing process with myself and yes I can say I do NOT hate myself anymore but there is still more to change. There is always more than can be done, perhaps one day I can remember Nan and Pop again, maybe one day I can have the opportunity to love another, I've started already, I have begun to love myself (more of this in Part 2).
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
I am separating this blog into 2 parts, the first is about the negative, the second part obviously the positive. I am not writing this up for sympathy nor am I doing it to make others feel bad it is simply my way of trying out new ways to sort through my mental issues and perhaps it can relate to others out there.
They say that when you change your life style the physical is only the beginning, then comes the mental, or willpower/focus if you will, how true this is, you can be physically strong all night long but if you have weak willpower you have a higher chance of failing at whatever it is you do.
My point? My family's belief projected onto me was if you aren't hurt physically it doesn't exist, stress, burn outs these things don't happen, it's just weak minded people not being as strong as the rest of us.
I used to believe this until I experienced my lifestyle change, I hear my dad sometimes saying things like how his sister had to go to Spain to "find herself" then would act all pompous about it. "Well guess what Dad?" I would say, "when I was in America last year I did the same thing", then he would justify his response with something like how I'm not like her at all... haha I find it both sad and pathetic but you have to realise that my parents were born in the 50's, times were different then, times a different now, I respect what he says because he has belief in them, he lives by his way because of his own childhood experiences (which weren't very pleasant), he's seen both the bad and good and this is his vision on the world, yes a little backwards but that too is my opinion on how I view the world.
I guess that all comes down to hey you know what they say about arseholes (assholes) right? Everybody's got one!
I bring that up because it's a regular occurrence in conversation at home Dad brings up his parents (who were arseholes at the best of times) and I think he just needs to vent every now and again. I have no problem with this but I've heard the stories so many times now I can say word for word what his next sentence will be. Now yes as mum will be reading this she is going to say "well your bother and I have to listen to these stories too" and yes I understand that mum but this blog is about me and my healing not you or Daniel. I hope you can understand that, if not I will talk to you about it when the blog is finished.
So my cousin recently decided on behalf of his parents to disown the rest of the family because we couldn't make it to his wedding, long story short apart from him being a juvenile about the whole situation I was more frustrated with the conversations I was listening to during and afterwards. Once again let's repeat the same story, let's repeat the same answers and how I will react to him, for goodness sake can't anybody try and view the problem from both sides of the fence for once?
It frustrates the hell out of me that everybody is so damn one sided, my brother too with politics, when the Labor government do something great, oh how fantastic they are, when the Liberals do something good, "Oh the only reason you could do that was because Labor did this and this and this", when the Liberals do something bad, "Oh well now this is why I didn't vote for them (insert expletives) ..."
GRRRRRR, I hate it, the negativity, the tunnel vision, the lack of free thinking for fucks sake people come up with your own opinion for once and take down the blinds, open your eyes to the world, open your eyes to the fact that if the Carbon tax comes in we will start slashing jobs in the coal fields, then the freight train drivers who haul it between states, then the crane and earth mover operators who do there part, the project managers, the IT staff, the coffee lady for fucks sake! Everybody is affected not just the fact that YOUR bill goes up another 3% to justify this loss and you can't find that money because you only get a $20 pay rise a year.
I've been working in IT for 6 years and I just got my first pay rise, get the fuck over your opinionated problem!
So enough of politics, there is a word I despise, a word I try to never use it is the "off limit" word that shall never be spoken in my vocabulary.
Hate.
I loathe the word hate, I despise it and I hate it. I feel the word is too powerful to use in any situation.
Let me take you back prior to August 2010 (my operation date), now I am going to speak as if it was that date please take note of that..
You have done nothing but cast yourself away from people, you can't walk without bitching about your pain, you don't concentrate in class because the children poke you with pencils, you never smile because you are never happy, you are always angry because the children tease you about your weight, you hate people because they make you feel miserable, you hate the faculty at school because it's always your fault, you're family love you but only because they have to and you will never have any true friends because when your around you make them look more appealing.
I hate you Adrian, I hate your existence, your a useless piece of garbage that should just rot in the ground, you make me feel awe full every day, you are always crying and angry and never feeling positive about life, you sit in front of a computer for people cannot see your weight, you always eat because food never speaks, you play games 18 hours a day instead of going to Tafe because everybody looks at you when you walk, everybody snickers and whispers when you enter the room, you paranoid fool, everybody hates you, nobody likes you, your family see's you as a disappointment, each Christmas family hope to see you in a smaller body only to be disappointed and regret your attendance, nobody will ever love you, your family hate you, I hate you, you should just do the world a favor and die, but you shouldn't even do that because your death would be an inconvenience for everybody else, you weigh so much you would need a forklift to lift you out of the house and a crane to move you from the church to the ground. You're pathetic and I will forever hate what you have done to me.
Signed: Adrian Anthony Cuvello.
Ok back to me today.
I would be lying if I said I never had a suicidal thought, I would be lying if I said I never spent every waking minute thinking about how I could do it without it hurting. Stress, depression, anxiety, all these problems exist it's not just the physical, it's mental your brain can take all your emotions, your memories and thoughts and change them up, to play with you, perhaps the brain has a sadistic side? Maybe it doesn't, perhaps I was crying out for help and the only person I could scream out to was myself.
That letter above, that letter doesn't exist anymore, that person is still me, I am still he, I am Adrian Anthony Cuvello, I am that fat kid who hated himself, I am that fat kid that had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to stop the torture, I went 7 years at school with teasing, and that was every single day, every single period at school and when I bit back it was my fault because I was bigger and could have hurt somebody, well you know what? I did try and hurt those children back then, I may have even tried to have killed some of them, grade 5 I threw chairs at children to hurt them, grade 6 I threw bricks at students then at teachers, 7 I threw my fists, 8 was my weight, 9 was shit I can't remember 10,11,12 I don't know it's all a blur now, it was hell every single day I was always in the wrong, I was always teased and all anybody could say was "just ignore it" FUCK YOU!! It's not that fucking easy to ignore it you ignorant bastards, I can't just sit there and let people say shit to me and not retaliate, you poke a lion with a stick and it will eventually rip your head off. You expect this to be different? Go home, go home and live your imaginary life of fairy tales where you don't know how true of a cunt a person can be, to have somebody drive you into such a frenzy that you want to kill them, that's just insane, welcome to my life for 7 years.
So when people ask me "tell me about your childhood" my response is (apart from the above) "I don't remember, I blocked it all out". I blocked it out because it was a very dark time for me, a time I do not want to remember, a hatred inside me that I am afraid to bring to the surface because it might lead to me hurting someone.
I don't even remember Nan and Pop Withoos, I don't remember their faces I don't remember any time I spent with them when I was young, their deaths mean nothing to me because I don't remember them. The only good memories I ever had as a child are gone perhaps forever... (this is where the tears start).
I can give you examples of my worst moments at school that for some reason don't leave my mind, I can tell you all about my fathers parents and how badly they treated all of us but the two people who no matter who I talk to in my family are always highly spoken of and the love these people have for Nan and Pop ... I will never feel that because of my experiences.
And that kills me, I hate that I can't remember them, I hate that something so disheartening can happen to me, Who am I? What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did it happen to me?
Surprise, surprise guess what? I never want those questions answered.
I cannot change the past but I can choose my future. I will make my own memories I will make those around me proud of me, if they did or didn't feel the same way about me as I did that doesn't matter, I want to do what's right for me. (This will lead on in part 2)
While in America 3 things happened, a past emotion came back to haunt me, I was told my personality had changed and I have issues in my mind that make me react without even noticing.
When in America an old bad emotion came to rise one night, "rejection", this bad boy has plagued me all my life, being the biggest and always the most angry or depressed I was always rejected, the word always doesn't describe the word always in my mind, every single opportunity gone, don't even consider it, any chance.. nope, can I? nope... wh... NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
Fuck it ill just say it, because of my weight I have never had a girl friend, I have never had the chance to experience life and love. The chance to love myself, the chance to love another.
I had figured that since I had lost about 75kgs (165lbs) I was a completely different person, I was acceptable in society, I never got a second look for my obesity, I was a shoe in!
Sadly no, one night we had a big fire dance and a ritual with the Navajo Indians in Monument Valley, the females choose a guy and we do a dance together, it took me 2 seconds to realise that I was not going to be chosen, I even walked around to those who didn't participate and asked them for a dance, to the response of NO!...
I quietly walked out of the circle put a fake smile on my face and said it's cool bro you guys have fun ill take pictures or something... I walked off away from everybody and began to cry to myself.
"I've done so much, I've changed so much in my life, the weight is gone I am continuously told how great I look but I still can't even get a dance I can't even get a smile or an acknowledgement from anybody who doesn't know me. Why is it that this hasn't changed?"
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My personality, my good friend Tracy (who I went to the USA with) had a chat to me a few hours before boarding to come home, I told her most of the story (now she knows it all) and she looked at me (and I love her for this) told me straight up "That's because you were being a dick, I'm not surprised"... I was shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded. "Huh?", was all I could come up with.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't me, I was this egotistical jerk who if I didn't make others smile would have been kicked off the bus during the trip. To be honest I came up with some bullshit response of "Oh yeah, I was trying new things"... truth is I never realised I was doing this, since then I've had a hard think about it and I can see why it happened, one extreme to the next, firstly I'm just physically repulsive to naturally you stay away, now my personality is the problem. I don't blame anyone that night for turning me away, I deserved it but why did it happen? Why did I not realise what had happened?
Perhaps the third thing that came to light in the US was it!
Tracy noticed that after a talk with my brother on the phone one night in Vegas I proceeded to hang up and start talking vulgarly to myself, I was angry, red faced, swearing my head off until I was almost yelling, threw my phone on the ground and I hear "HEY!, What are you doing? Dude Chill!"
I looked at Tracy and remember looking puzzled "Huh?" I think was my response to this, "Dude you were about to go Berserk", I didn't know I was doing that.
Turns out this sort of thing can happen, I'm not calling Bi Polar or some bullshit like that, but it's an issue I need to deal with before I end up hurting the people I love one day.
On that note I did it to my brother a few days ago when he tried to explain to me his Psychiatrist may need to see me ever 2 weeks, I snapped and said I couldn't do that, I don't have the time or the leave to take from work then it escalated, thankfully he walked out before I started throwing things at him.
I was really hoping this would help, getting things off my chest but it hasn't, perhaps I need to "talk" instead of using my minds voice. I don't know, I do know I have a lot of my own demons and the above does not even scratch the surface. Apart of me wants to take this down because I have aired a hell of a lot of personal issues that I think about and the fallback from my parents about what I wrote about them, but another part of me needs to air it out, I need to stop trying to carry everyone's problems on my back, the fact my dad can't get over his childhood isn't my problem, my mother loves her family so much that she sometimes makes this family second and not first in her life, the fact my brother is just like me is also not my problem, in fact I could just be blowing shit out of proportion and not know it.
I don't know what to think, I hate thinking because you over analyses everything then you only end up hurting the ones you love by miss judging their feelings. Oh God I can't take it my head just keeps playing games with me, I need to talk to someone and I need to do it soon.
I may have begun the healing process with myself and yes I can say I do NOT hate myself anymore but there is still more to change. There is always more than can be done, perhaps one day I can remember Nan and Pop again, maybe one day I can have the opportunity to love another, I've started already, I have begun to love myself (more of this in Part 2).
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
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