Blog 15 - It's the end of the world and we know it!.. Wait what?

Hi All,

It's been an interesting few weeks since the last blog I posted, about 5 weeks ago I started having a social life, I've been going out a lot more and meeting a whole lot of new people, it's been a great experience, and before anyone asks the answer is still no, I haven't found a girlfriend yet.
I find it funny on TBLoser and other shows similar to it it's as if these people either paid a woman to sit next to them at the finale, or they were lucky enough to have found someone that soon after losing the weight, personally I'm going for the $$$.

There is however a woman who is temping at work, she's easy to talk to, laughs at my jokes and seems legitimately interested in talking to me, I have a feeling that's as far as it will go but that I'm ok with, it only took 4 friends, mum and a self help book to straighten me out when I was hyperventilating about asking her out for lunch... why must it be so difficult sometimes?

I have acknowledged I have two fears in life, one used to be heights but my trip to Arches Canyon Lands straightened that out when I posed on an arch 2000 feet above the ground, instead while at Disneyland I developed a fear of falling from a ride which put me in a catatonic state (I think I have mentioned this a while back, can't remember).
The other fear is rejection, all my social life (outside of my family and few friends) I have been rejected from society and people. No woman would want to be seen with me and all the guys wanted to tease me, so when it comes to asking someone "Hey, lunch?" it's more than just 2 words to me.

But a great thing happened, she said "No, sorry I can't".

=) *smiley face*

The world didn't end, I didn't have a stroke, I said "No stress, I'm always here Saturdays because of archery, if you ever need to use up a few hours let's meet there", she was happy with that, didn't feel pressured or threatened and "Everything went better than expected".

Challenging that fear or rejection and learning that the world will not end if she says no is yet another huge milestone for me, the last time this happened I cried myself to sleep (on my holiday of all places), this time, I said my goodbyes told her to enjoy her weekend, went to my singers place and we jammed for a few hours.

I am so proud of myself for stepping up to this demon of mine, it can't possibly get any harder, from here it's much, much easier, I like easy :)

--------------------

Quick update, I am seeing my surgeon Friday July 13th, I will hopefully have the name to a plastic surgeon who can sign me up for the body lift operations I need done, I must admit I am happier with my body after these past 2 years of hell and hard work but this excess skin is a nightmare, I'm looking forward to it being removed.

Till then I will leave you with a quote, this quote contains the words I have been looking for since making the decision I have to have the operation and change my life.

Unconditional Self-Acceptance:
"The value of human life is that it exists. You are a complex miracle of creation. You are a person who is trying to live, and that makes you as worthwhile as every other person. Whether you are a researcher unlocking the cure for cancer or a person who sweeps the streets, you have known hope and fear, affection and loss, wanting and disappointment. You have looked at the world and tried to make sense of it, you have coped with the unique set of problems you were born into, and you have endured pain. Over the years, you've tried many strategies to help you feel better and deal with pain. Some worked, some haven't. It doesn't matter, you are just trying to live. And in spite of all that is hard in life, you are still trying. This is your worth, your humanness."

Thank you for reading.

(not so)Big Age.

Blog 14 - So far, So what!

So how is the 15 week challenge going? Well I've plateaued stuck at 125kgs and yo-yo'ing like a yoyo...

I recently stopped going to the gym satisfied with my 94kgs so far and have been sticking to an even calorie intake as to not gain weight, so far that's working out well.
Not much else to add really apart from the fact I took up a few new hobbies and my social life is going well, very well in fact happily spending most of my time outside or with new people, giving the confidence a real nice boost :)

I thought I would make the rest of the post about the psychologist I've been seeing, he has been helping me out with my past and how I can move forward, after only a few months my attitude has changed so much it's almost scary. You have all read my past posts (especially 8) and see how I was, how about reading the below and reading how I take a new look at life.

What I’ve learned so far…

“Death and Taxes”, perhaps the most popular term when it comes to life, being the only two things you can depend on.
It’s most certainly something I used to think about and agree with, but now I look back on this term and it gives me a very negative feeling, it’s a depressing approach to life and quite frankly something I can no longer live by.

I find myself a realist in life, I understand there must be both positive and negative situations and sometimes negative does outweigh the positives such as with the above statement, yes death and taxes might be the only two certainties but what about what isn’t certain?
I think to myself (without over analysing the situation) that well what about everything else? Why should I live life thinking of what is certain and not about what isn’t? It’s those uncertainties that I now (after losing the weight) want to explore.

So I went to America and I experienced another culture (yes quite familiar to ours but still different none-the-less) and lifestyle with many other people from other cultures. I found it fascinating; I wanted to learn more about the native aborigines (Navajo Indians) and even fellow persons sharing the tour with me from Whales, Slovenia and Holland.

So what does that have to do with what I’ve learned? I’ve learned that even with such a negative background and history I still have the right to enjoy and experience life, I don’t need to sit in the corner and dwell on the past and expend so much energy thinking about which name I hated being called the most. I can go out there and enjoy the wonders of the world from something small as bike riding or talking to another individual about what a hypnagogic jerk is, to asking a woman for her phone number.

It’s ok for me to be happy; I am allowed to be happy, I have the same opportunities as everyone else, I am no different to anyone else, so I shouldn’t treat myself or expect to be treated any different from anyone else.

I am the only one who sees me with my negative past, however from the outside every new person I interact with sees me who for the first time, not the big guy I used to be or the troubled child I once was, I have a clean slate with everyone and how I project myself in the future is certainly in a more positive way.

I’ve always seen the human body in 3 ways, mind, body and soul.

Soul:

The soul has always been a solid foundation for me, my religious background and science interests have allowed me to see and experience both sides the fence, I believe the big bang did happen there is proof it is occurring all around us most recently galaxy M81 is currently experiencing a super massive black whole which in turn will be creating new life, but with my religious backing I can see the workings of a higher being in motion, not necessarily the Catholic Churches rendition of “God” or “Jesus” to the Christians/Mormons/Jehovah’s, but a higher being of intelligence I like to  call “God”. Life is all around us and my soul is attached to it, I believe in living life with a mutual respect for everybody and treat everybody exactly as I would like to be treated, with this foundation I feel my soul will reach the afterlife (whatever it may be).

Body:

My body was always last on my priority list (it was a short list too) until I realised I needed to make changes, now after losing all that weight I feel my body is ready actually up and ready to live life, I now have a fighting chance at being able to experience and enjoy the wonders of the world from riding a bike, walking without pain, sitting next to somebody on public transport knowing I can fit into one seat.
My realist approach is simple to this the body is my temple, it will only perform as well as the what gets put in, bad fuel bad performance.
Fruit/Vegetables, water, vitamins appropriate amount of meat each week keeps me energised and ready to fight on the next day! Keep this up and I might take up yoga.

Mind:

The brain is such a powerful organ and the mind or subconscious if you will can either aid us or be our worst enemy, the mind if in a negative mood will cause depression, anxiety and mood swings where a positive mind will be happiness, pleasure and joy.
It’s been shown that a positive mind has been able to assist with cancer patient’s recovery; it’s been proven (in my life) that depression can lead to suicide/death.

My mind was always clouded (and still is but were working on that one) and full of negative emotion and thoughts, as those clouds begin to life I feel great weights being lifted from me, a positive attitude has helped me sleep better at night, less headaches and less worries and stress.

My realist approach to life has not changed (if it even will), I understand that there is negativity in life there always will be but it’s how we approach that negativity that determines how we live with it, I feel like I can begin to remove a lot of negativity in my life, from the people in it to removing emotional connections to my past and even filling up the dead time I make for myself each night at home in front of the tv/computer.

Filling in that time with Archery, Music, social activities’ delays the possibility of negativity in life and in turn increases the positivity so when something negative does happen it doesn’t feel like the world is ending because it’s been one bad thing after another, no in fact it’s been one good thing after another and there was bound to be something negative occur, as a realist I see this as the natural flow of life, ying and yang, karma, good and bad.

My Soul is solid, my body is certainly better than where it was 24 months ago, my mind is beginning to change, more positivity and less negativity, I am viewing and approaching life differently, everything is clear and precise and I feel happy, I show it by smiling more in fact I’ve been asked recently at work what had changed because I look so much happier these days, I feel fantastic and I see more positivity in my future.

Thank you for reading.

(not so)Big Age.

Blog 13 - The 15 week challenge!

Hi All,

I next see my surgeon on July 13th (Friday, muahahaha!), which is now 14 weeks away, this past week and for the next following 14 weeks I've set myself a stupidly difficult task which I intend to destroy.
Lose my final 15 kilos (33lbs) in the next 15 weeks, not only is 1kg a week (2.2lbs) a ridiculous task to set yourself to make it more difficult it's the final weight to lose, to put it in another perspective what I should be doing is setting myself a 5-6 month goal now 15 weeks.

Why am I doing this? Two reasons.
1. I have plateaued.
2. I want to walk into my surgeons office and say I'm done, let's get this skin cut off!

So how will I go about doing this? Here's my training schedule which should work out perfectly.

6 workouts a week (1 per night, 1 day off), weight training/muscle building then high intensity cardio, repeat 3 times.

Note: The below is only for me I do not recommend anyone performing any of the below workouts without talking to a personal trainer first, the below was written up from a schedule written up by my own trainer.

Day 1: Weights (all round)
 - 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
 - Machine Leg Press (weight 60kgs, 132lbs), 3 sets 12 reps.
 - Dead Lift (weight 25kgs, 55lbs) 3 sets 12 reps.
 - Dumbbell shoulder press (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
 - Rear Lateral raise (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps (can only do 2 sets right now before lowering weight)
 - Skull crushers (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
 - Triceps push down (weight 35kgs, 77lbs) - 3 sets 12 reps
 - Medicine ball ab workout (weight 10kgs, 22lbs) (side to side movement)
 - Bicep curls (weight 7kgs, 15.5lbs) - 3 sets (reps depend on weakest arm)

Day 2: Cardio - note weight used in this work out is 2-3 weight plates higher (up to 20kgs, 44lbs)
 - 5 minutes bike (I find the bike to be the easiest for me to raise my heart rate and keep it high) HR 180+
 - Squat till you drop
 - Lateral pull-down (weight 50kgs 110lbs, max reps)
 - Machine bench Press (weight 40kgs, 88lbs, max reps)
 - Military Press (weight 25kgs, 55lbs, max reps)
 - Triceps push down (weight 50kgs, 110lbs, max reps)
 - Sit ups till you throw up

Repeat 3 times lowering the weight by 1/3 each time.

Day 3: Weights (shoulders and back)
 - 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
 - Chin up (99kgs, 217.8lbs weight assistance) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Lateral pull-down (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Seated shoulder press (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Seated low row (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Seated/cable reverse fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Cable crossover fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Barbell bent-over row (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps

Day 4: Cardio (Same as Day 2 but faster!)

Day 5: Weights (Arms and legs)
 - 10 minute warmup (heart rate peaking at 150)
 - Dips (99kgs, 217.8lbs weight assistance) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Barbell bench press(weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Cable chest fly (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Pushups at shoulder width 3 sets 12 reps
 - Cable Triceps push down (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Chair Dip (no weight) till you drop
 - Weighted Squats (no barbell) (weight tbd) 5 sets 12 reps
 - Machine leg curl (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Machine leg extension (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps
 - Machine leg press (weight tbd) 3 sets 12 reps

Of course the above is completely interchangeable and nothing is set in stone, if I like the way one workout feels I will choose it over another and of course as I progress I will increase the weight.

My eating is changing too a little more carbohydrates than I would like but I do need more energy in the afternoons so bananas are now part of the diet and cashews too when I don't want to eat bananas.
Oh and a few protean shakes a day to help with recovery and well protean is all well and good as long as you burn the carbs that day at the gym.

Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.

Thank you for reading.
Big Age.

Blog 12 - Tough Mudda ain't got nothing on my workout plan!

Hi All,

Few things I would like to touch on in this post, the first one being some blood work I had done by my GP, the last time I had any blood taken was before my operation so the numbers had already been punched in and the bench mark set.
As far as anything being bad back in 2010, my vitamin D was low, my bad cholesterol was slightly elevated and my insulin levels were very high, finally my BMI was at a whopping 66%.
Jumping straight in turns out all my vitamin and minerals levels are perfect, this included D (sunshine) those elevit seem to be working for me so I'll keep taking them.
My bad cholesterol has gone down by 30%, good cholesterol has gone up by 20% which both are fantastic, my BMI is now at 35% so I've lost 30% body fat from 95kgs of weight. (This is where I started jumping up and down like a little boy)
The biggest change was my insulin levels, firstly what is insulin and how does it work?

Ok the body needs to keep a good balance with sugar levels, we can't have too much and we can't have too little, so when we eat sugar in foods our pancreas secrets insulin to balance those levels back out.
Cool? OK the insulin levels that are recommended are below 10, before my operation mine was at 42, thus it was working 4 times more than it should have been, thus it was on the verge of failing.

Taking you back a few blogs "Hey remember when I said you were going to die at 30?", "Yeah", "Well by the looks of it, it was going to be because your pancreas was going to fail and you would end up a type 1 diabetic which would then be the cause of your death", "Well that's cool and all but what do my results say now?"... ahem, my insulin level is now 6, abso-freakin-lutly perfect! (I love tmesis).
My GP was trying to hold it in so much but burst out in excitement, so now it turns out I'm healthier than the average folk, in fact in most cases even more.
Yay!

Recently (in case you've been living under a rock) you might have heard about Tough Mudda, well my long time brother from another mother Scott did this monster of a challenge with a triathlete and a football player the three of them smashed it, I was asked to join them last year, train with them since I had lost so much weight but I refused, usual story "Oh I'm not fit enough", well this is actually true, yes I've lost lot's of weight but I still have lots of skin which makes running impossible and well also my cardio is up the wazoo so no go there.

Talking to Scott about this recently he mentioned next year was my year to do it with him, the pride he resonates from achieving this challenge makes me crave it, I want to smash this course and throw down on life, winning and accomplishments matter now, now that I can do it I should be and I will be!
Once again my only restriction is my stomach skin, girdles don't work, tape and most belts don't keep it secure while running, the sound of skin flapping isn't cool when you run, the weight of the skin being tossed around is actually quite painful and I must get it cut off before the end of the year.

My challenge which I've chosen to accept!
I see my surgeon again in July 15 weeks away, I have written up a monster of a workout plan at the gym, 6 days 3 muscle building and toning and 3 days high intensity cardio. I have 15 kilos to lose then it's just skin, my plan, to walk into his surgery at 109 kilos (239.8lbs) (or less) and say, "When do we cut the skin off?"
I will post my diet and workout plan on here in the next blog in the next few days, start crossing them off and keep a journal of what I do to confirm I am increasing my intensity and not just floating through.

Oh and finally I'm seeing a psychologist this week to begin work on mental healing, excited to see how this will work out, wish me luck! :)

Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.

Thank you for reading.
Big Age.

Blog 11, The Good, The Great and The Magnificent! ... and my stupid forgetfulness.

Let's start off with The Good.

So the past few weeks now I've been "testing" with food to see if I can make myself plateau and I did succeed, as far as my surgeon was concerned I had lost 6 kgs in 5 months, however the past 6 weeks I was losing 100grams a week. How did I do it? Ate all the wrong foods, so to be proactive I asked my surgeon when I saw him if I could see the nutritionist about my diet it's unstable and I need to find even ground to slow down my weight loss in a more healthy way.

The Great!

So I meet up with Ben and Dylan (mentioned them both in blog 5) and wow, it was awesome the whole healing process is complete with those guys they were genuinely happy for me and my changes.
I had a chat to a guy named Oli who had taken the picture back then (which I linked in blog 5) and he never recognised me, when he did it was like "wow, no way, it can't be you" I'll just sit here and grin ear to ear, it makes me so proud to think that people see me in a different way now, not only am I invisible but I'm also a motivation for those wanting to make changes to their own lifestyle.

Stupid me forget to get pictures taken I was a little caught up in the chatter that it never occurred to me to take any media with them, bah, but I did ask when the next show is, we can do it then :)

The Magnificent!

Before all of the above I visited an old doctor of mine (David is his name) that I hadn't seen in a long time, about 2-3 years ago was the last and before that at least 3-4.
Let me take you back a few years to 2005 to be exact...
"Adrian, mate, you have to lose weight, the road your going down is not a good one, you have elevated blood pressure and your body is starting to shut down from the weight. If you don't make a change soon I can't see you having a 30th birthday".
I asked then what options were available he mentioned lap banding, I shook it off told him I wanted to try and lose it myself before that happens. He respected my decision and off I went.

By now you know most of the story leading up to 2010 so ill skip to that, what I haven't mentioned will come later.

So I go back late 2009 and tell him I'm ready for the lap banding after a referral he gave him his best wishes and that was the last I saw of him. As mentioned in Blog 8 depression hit me when I couldn't get the lap banding because I gained weight, thankfully a few months later my mother knew a family friend who happily referred me to my surgeon and the rest is history.

So I stand up and look at David (old doctor) and he smiled ear to ear gave me a pat on the back and asked me how I was coping with the banding, I told him what had happened and he was in shock, to gain 20kgs in 1 week is physically not possible... but it happened to me, I informed him on the gastric bypass and told him how it goes and he was in shock. "The best thing is that it isn't reversible", "that's the best thing?", "Yup, the operation can always pull me up when I need it and I can admit when I need help". It was amazing to see his face, he has seen me at my worst and today, this man sitting in front of him was a different man from before, pride, confidence, self love and respect, tis a great thing.

Oh and here's a story for you before I head off to eat my dinner..

You know when they say "God does thing's in mysterious ways"? Well for those not religious let's call it Karma or Fate or just plain dumb luck.

So a few weeks back I went to a concert with my brother (from another mother) Scott and the guy who ended up sitting next to me that night.. you won't believe it he was almost my original size before I started losing weight.
I learned so much in that night about the man I was that it actually sickens me to think I put my family and friends through that when I was larger. Few things I noticed.
This guy could never catch his breathe, he let off excessive amounts of body heat which caused him to sweat and smell, he couldn't keep his legs together and always ended up having to extend his legs out to the sides, he held onto the front railing for balance and each time he moved I felt everything.
It was an unconformable experience but if there was ever an experience that needed to happen and one that I had to learn from it was that, I am so very thankful to whatever being or thing that made that happen, I would never have had my eyes opened that wide and a lessened never learned so well than that experience.


To Cam, Damo, Mickie, Scott, Marvin, Zane, Daniel, my parents, my family I can never apologies enough to having put you all through that each and every time I was around but what I can say is am now so very great full and eternally thankful to you all for sticking around and seeing my inner beauty and that inner beauty is who I am today. From the very fabric that is my soul thank you all for being there, I now understand.

Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.

Thank you for reading.
Big Age.

Blog 10, next milestone... check!

Hi All,

Sorry for not posting another blog sooner I've been so busy living life!
Great excuse I know :)

I will get straight into it this will be quick and short but to the point, like a thumb tack.

I have mental milestones during my journey the first was the operation (check), the second is losing more weight than the average person (check), the third is my blood pressure and associated pills.

About 10 or so years ago perhaps even more I started taking medication for high blood pressure, I was 17 at the time (sad I know), I was on 2x 80mg pills per day, 160milligrams of medication to control my bp incredible really, even youth has it's limitations.
Around 2004 I went to see a specialist at St Vinnies Public and they found out my dopamine gland was secret excessive amounts of adrenaline which is what was causing the excessively high blood pressure, so what caused the gland to secret so much? My weight, my weight was placing it under so much pressure it was forced to do what it was doing, almost crushing it if you will. I was told then there was no cure for it unless I lost the weight, of course I shrugged it off not caring because a pill could control it for me.

Come 2012, February 25th to be exact and 93kgs (204.6lbs) of weight lost, my GP game me the sign of approval to stop taking my blood pressure medication, March 5th approaches and I go for a check up and all is confirmed I am officially not on medication for high blood pressure anymore! *cheer*

Not only was I taking the pills for my bp I was always taking them as anti-migraine medication, since I've been losing this weight I have been having fewer and fewer headaches and migraines.

Milestone 4 survive Soundwave week, Big Check!

Let me pain you a picture, last year I purchased 2 tickers for 2 shows, I only attended one because I was either tired or had a headache or some other excuse I would rather not remember. The day of Soundwave I used my operation as an excuse to leave early, I had a headache I was hungry and thirsty but was still new to what I could and couldn't eat, I didn't have a medical card so I couldn't get a pass out and what they were selling that day was all fast food trash. Awful memories that help me appreciate the awesome ones I made this year!

I was prepared this year 3 sidewave shows leading up to the big day, not only did I attend all three shows leading up to the 10 hour Soundwave day but I managed to live off about 20 hours of sleep that week! 12 hours of band practice the following day then another 6 on the Sunday, what a week.
When walking out of Soundwave after the long day I had the biggest smile on my face, I began talking to myself out aloud even with people around me hearing, this is what I said.
"3 shows this week, no sleep, 10 hours today, comparing to last year, Adrian be proud of your accomplishment, be proud that you smashed this Soundwave week out of the park, you could never do this before and now look at you, conquering the world one music event at at time, I'm proud of you"

Great job son, great job, you do me proud.

Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.

Thank you for reading.
Big Age.

Blog 9, What's going on inside my head? (Part 2)

Let's take a step in a different direction for a moment, the last blog I wrote up must have done it's job, I've only had 2 people comment about it and one of those comments was from somebody who was going through their own mental issues, I seemed to have either scared people away or pissed them off completely.

Let's see if you like these apples then.

This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8

Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)

This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr


Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)


My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.

So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.

I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.

Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.

Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.

The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.

From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.

It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)

So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.

My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.

I might finish this blog with a story.

I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.

Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.

No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!

Thanks for reading,
Big Age.

Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello