Let's start off with The Good.
So the past few weeks now I've been "testing" with food to see if I can make myself plateau and I did succeed, as far as my surgeon was concerned I had lost 6 kgs in 5 months, however the past 6 weeks I was losing 100grams a week. How did I do it? Ate all the wrong foods, so to be proactive I asked my surgeon when I saw him if I could see the nutritionist about my diet it's unstable and I need to find even ground to slow down my weight loss in a more healthy way.
The Great!
So I meet up with Ben and Dylan (mentioned them both in blog 5) and wow, it was awesome the whole healing process is complete with those guys they were genuinely happy for me and my changes.
I had a chat to a guy named Oli who had taken the picture back then (which I linked in blog 5) and he never recognised me, when he did it was like "wow, no way, it can't be you" I'll just sit here and grin ear to ear, it makes me so proud to think that people see me in a different way now, not only am I invisible but I'm also a motivation for those wanting to make changes to their own lifestyle.
Stupid me forget to get pictures taken I was a little caught up in the chatter that it never occurred to me to take any media with them, bah, but I did ask when the next show is, we can do it then :)
The Magnificent!
Before all of the above I visited an old doctor of mine (David is his name) that I hadn't seen in a long time, about 2-3 years ago was the last and before that at least 3-4.
Let me take you back a few years to 2005 to be exact...
"Adrian, mate, you have to lose weight, the road your going down is not a good one, you have elevated blood pressure and your body is starting to shut down from the weight. If you don't make a change soon I can't see you having a 30th birthday".
I asked then what options were available he mentioned lap banding, I shook it off told him I wanted to try and lose it myself before that happens. He respected my decision and off I went.
By now you know most of the story leading up to 2010 so ill skip to that, what I haven't mentioned will come later.
So I go back late 2009 and tell him I'm ready for the lap banding after a referral he gave him his best wishes and that was the last I saw of him. As mentioned in Blog 8 depression hit me when I couldn't get the lap banding because I gained weight, thankfully a few months later my mother knew a family friend who happily referred me to my surgeon and the rest is history.
So I stand up and look at David (old doctor) and he smiled ear to ear gave me a pat on the back and asked me how I was coping with the banding, I told him what had happened and he was in shock, to gain 20kgs in 1 week is physically not possible... but it happened to me, I informed him on the gastric bypass and told him how it goes and he was in shock. "The best thing is that it isn't reversible", "that's the best thing?", "Yup, the operation can always pull me up when I need it and I can admit when I need help". It was amazing to see his face, he has seen me at my worst and today, this man sitting in front of him was a different man from before, pride, confidence, self love and respect, tis a great thing.
Oh and here's a story for you before I head off to eat my dinner..
You know when they say "God does thing's in mysterious ways"? Well for those not religious let's call it Karma or Fate or just plain dumb luck.
So a few weeks back I went to a concert with my brother (from another mother) Scott and the guy who ended up sitting next to me that night.. you won't believe it he was almost my original size before I started losing weight.
I learned so much in that night about the man I was that it actually sickens me to think I put my family and friends through that when I was larger. Few things I noticed.
This guy could never catch his breathe, he let off excessive amounts of body heat which caused him to sweat and smell, he couldn't keep his legs together and always ended up having to extend his legs out to the sides, he held onto the front railing for balance and each time he moved I felt everything.
It was an unconformable experience but if there was ever an experience that needed to happen and one that I had to learn from it was that, I am so very thankful to whatever being or thing that made that happen, I would never have had my eyes opened that wide and a lessened never learned so well than that experience.
To Cam, Damo, Mickie, Scott, Marvin, Zane, Daniel, my parents, my family I can never apologies enough to having put you all through that each and every time I was around but what I can say is am now so very great full and eternally thankful to you all for sticking around and seeing my inner beauty and that inner beauty is who I am today. From the very fabric that is my soul thank you all for being there, I now understand.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Monday, 19 March 2012
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Blog 10, next milestone... check!
Hi All,
Sorry for not posting another blog sooner I've been so busy living life!
Great excuse I know :)
I will get straight into it this will be quick and short but to the point, like a thumb tack.
I have mental milestones during my journey the first was the operation (check), the second is losing more weight than the average person (check), the third is my blood pressure and associated pills.
About 10 or so years ago perhaps even more I started taking medication for high blood pressure, I was 17 at the time (sad I know), I was on 2x 80mg pills per day, 160milligrams of medication to control my bp incredible really, even youth has it's limitations.
Around 2004 I went to see a specialist at St Vinnies Public and they found out my dopamine gland was secret excessive amounts of adrenaline which is what was causing the excessively high blood pressure, so what caused the gland to secret so much? My weight, my weight was placing it under so much pressure it was forced to do what it was doing, almost crushing it if you will. I was told then there was no cure for it unless I lost the weight, of course I shrugged it off not caring because a pill could control it for me.
Come 2012, February 25th to be exact and 93kgs (204.6lbs) of weight lost, my GP game me the sign of approval to stop taking my blood pressure medication, March 5th approaches and I go for a check up and all is confirmed I am officially not on medication for high blood pressure anymore! *cheer*
Not only was I taking the pills for my bp I was always taking them as anti-migraine medication, since I've been losing this weight I have been having fewer and fewer headaches and migraines.
Milestone 4 survive Soundwave week, Big Check!
Let me pain you a picture, last year I purchased 2 tickers for 2 shows, I only attended one because I was either tired or had a headache or some other excuse I would rather not remember. The day of Soundwave I used my operation as an excuse to leave early, I had a headache I was hungry and thirsty but was still new to what I could and couldn't eat, I didn't have a medical card so I couldn't get a pass out and what they were selling that day was all fast food trash. Awful memories that help me appreciate the awesome ones I made this year!
I was prepared this year 3 sidewave shows leading up to the big day, not only did I attend all three shows leading up to the 10 hour Soundwave day but I managed to live off about 20 hours of sleep that week! 12 hours of band practice the following day then another 6 on the Sunday, what a week.
When walking out of Soundwave after the long day I had the biggest smile on my face, I began talking to myself out aloud even with people around me hearing, this is what I said.
"3 shows this week, no sleep, 10 hours today, comparing to last year, Adrian be proud of your accomplishment, be proud that you smashed this Soundwave week out of the park, you could never do this before and now look at you, conquering the world one music event at at time, I'm proud of you"
Great job son, great job, you do me proud.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Sorry for not posting another blog sooner I've been so busy living life!
Great excuse I know :)
I will get straight into it this will be quick and short but to the point, like a thumb tack.
I have mental milestones during my journey the first was the operation (check), the second is losing more weight than the average person (check), the third is my blood pressure and associated pills.
About 10 or so years ago perhaps even more I started taking medication for high blood pressure, I was 17 at the time (sad I know), I was on 2x 80mg pills per day, 160milligrams of medication to control my bp incredible really, even youth has it's limitations.
Around 2004 I went to see a specialist at St Vinnies Public and they found out my dopamine gland was secret excessive amounts of adrenaline which is what was causing the excessively high blood pressure, so what caused the gland to secret so much? My weight, my weight was placing it under so much pressure it was forced to do what it was doing, almost crushing it if you will. I was told then there was no cure for it unless I lost the weight, of course I shrugged it off not caring because a pill could control it for me.
Come 2012, February 25th to be exact and 93kgs (204.6lbs) of weight lost, my GP game me the sign of approval to stop taking my blood pressure medication, March 5th approaches and I go for a check up and all is confirmed I am officially not on medication for high blood pressure anymore! *cheer*
Not only was I taking the pills for my bp I was always taking them as anti-migraine medication, since I've been losing this weight I have been having fewer and fewer headaches and migraines.
Milestone 4 survive Soundwave week, Big Check!
Let me pain you a picture, last year I purchased 2 tickers for 2 shows, I only attended one because I was either tired or had a headache or some other excuse I would rather not remember. The day of Soundwave I used my operation as an excuse to leave early, I had a headache I was hungry and thirsty but was still new to what I could and couldn't eat, I didn't have a medical card so I couldn't get a pass out and what they were selling that day was all fast food trash. Awful memories that help me appreciate the awesome ones I made this year!
I was prepared this year 3 sidewave shows leading up to the big day, not only did I attend all three shows leading up to the 10 hour Soundwave day but I managed to live off about 20 hours of sleep that week! 12 hours of band practice the following day then another 6 on the Sunday, what a week.
When walking out of Soundwave after the long day I had the biggest smile on my face, I began talking to myself out aloud even with people around me hearing, this is what I said.
"3 shows this week, no sleep, 10 hours today, comparing to last year, Adrian be proud of your accomplishment, be proud that you smashed this Soundwave week out of the park, you could never do this before and now look at you, conquering the world one music event at at time, I'm proud of you"
Great job son, great job, you do me proud.
Be sure to add yourself to http://www.facebook.com/groups/AdriansGastricBypass/ if you haven't already for the latest photo's and updates.
Thank you for reading.
Big Age.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Blog 9, What's going on inside my head? (Part 2)
Let's take a step in a different direction for a moment, the last blog I wrote up must have done it's job, I've only had 2 people comment about it and one of those comments was from somebody who was going through their own mental issues, I seemed to have either scared people away or pissed them off completely.
Let's see if you like these apples then.
This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8
Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)
This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr
Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)
My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.
So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.
I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.
Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.
Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.
The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.
From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.
It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)
So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.
My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.
I might finish this blog with a story.
I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.
Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.
No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Let's see if you like these apples then.
This was taken March 2010 (5 months before my operation), pictures and video of me before the operation are very rare so out of them all this is definitely the best one.
http://imgur.com/QTRY8
Start weight: 218kgs (479.6lbs)
This was taken just 15 minutes ago Feburary 5th, 2012 (19 months post operation), not the best picture but I want to take more especially some clean shaven =|
http://imgur.com/Xcppa
http://imgur.com/e0hqr
Weight at this date: 128kgs (281.6lbs)
My goal is 98kgs for 2 reasons; 1. I will be under 100kgs, and 2. it is exactly 120kgs lost and that number would look great tattooed on my arm, a permanent reminder of what I have accomplished and how far I have come with this journey.
So mentally how far have I progressed since those days of when I wrote the last blog?
Easy, it's almost a complete 180 degree turn, I say almost because well as mentioned I still need to get over a few issues that I'm not aware of and some I am.
I am eternally great full to everybody who has helped me through this journey, from family to friends, my surgeon and personal trainer to everybody who has congratulated me and told me how much I inspire them, I don't think you all realise just how much I love to get those messages, each one puts a smile on my face and even tears me up.
Pride, honor, love are the first words that come to mind when I look at myself in the mirror, I am proud of myself for choosing to make a life changing decision and sticking with it, it is so easy to turn back (yes even with the so called "gimmick" that this operation apparently is to the ignorant people of the world, it is very easy to gain the weight back) to the way I was and on those "Good" days I mentioned a few blogs back I do relapse sometimes and uncontrollably eat. Perhaps it is something I will be fighting with the rest of my life but I'm standing strong, tall and proud I will not be defeated, I will pick myself up if I get beaten down and charge straight back into battle.
Honor, (this may sound a little medieval for some but I love it) A man has but one thing that is his, his honor, his word, his integrity (yes that maybe 3 things but it can all come under as one), my honor is the only merit I control in my life, it is the essence of what every man should strive for. I intend to be the best person I can be to myself and to others, I take great pride in my character I want to come past as a person who has great self respect, I have been through a very bloody battle and I am victorious!
90kgs I have lost, that's more than what the average person weights and it shows when I walk down the street, I never get stared at instead I get the look of admiration from others, they don't know why but when they look at my confidence and pride they mustn't be able to help but sense some great accomplishment from me I hope it rubs off on others to better themselves, I'm only in this to help others and I pray it does.
The third being love, hate was a word thrown around in the last blog but love is the main word for this one, how can one love another when they don't love them self? It's a question that has puzzled me since I began losing weight and started hating myself less and less.
When I reflect on my life I'm very happy that I never had a close relationship with a woman I can only imaging that it would have been miserable for them, as the above question states, I hated myself, I would put on a fake smile for all to see and just be depressed and angry the rest of the time, I would have been hell to be with, the gratitude from my heart is never enough to describe how much I appreciate my family and close friends who did have to live with me day to day, thank you all so very much for putting up with me.
From the outside I can only imagine now how awe full I must have been some days or even most, how can you be around somebody so negative? But today that's changed, I always try to have a smile on my face and this time it's real, a great nights sleep, no aches or pains (that aren't caused by the gym) and more comfortable living make for great days.
It's so easy to write about the bad things that when I get to all the good stuff I draw a blank, this sucks haha. Oh hey I can ride a bike these days, how about that? I brought myself a Giant (Talon) road/offroad hybrid bike and wow, I'm over the moon with it, I've always loved riding but always flattened the tires when I got on them because of my weight, now I ride about 20kms (12 mile) each time I get on it and only stop because my legs give out, I want to keep going but that seems to be my limit for now, I will keep working at it, I've made myself a personal goal to be doing 30kms (19 mile) rides every time I go for a ride. I go riding 3-4 times a week now that it's summer, when winter comes it will however drop to just weekends and days off work, but that's ok it will make me crave it more when I can't get it :)
So many changes in my life since losing the weight, riding bikes, weight training, tough mudder in 2013, more self esteem that I am actually contributing a lot within my band now, I'm not afraid of judgement because it can actually be a good thing, throw out an idea "hey that works", throw out another "that doesn't quite work but here's why"... and you end up bettering yourself by learning that it could be because of something you haven't learned yet or don't quite understand.
My social life? That's always a big question, my social life is the same at the moment, I'm still self conscious about going out because it's new to me, I usually just jump straight into the deep end but with this I'm taking it nice and slow, I can see a bright future there though.
I might finish this blog with a story.
I always felt disappointment from my family at Christmas time, they never showed it of course but I always felt that they were all anxious to see me every year to see if I had lost weight, don't take it the wrong way it was all for my health and future not because I made anyone look bad or they were embarrassed with me, instead it was because they all love me and want me to enjoy my life.
(Here we go with the tears again)...
2 months after my operation I received a call from my Uncle Leo he had heard about my operation and talked to me, to put this in context he was the eldest of his family (since his parents passed away) and I always saw him as the leader of the Withoos family, he never talked to me on an emotional level he was always this wall of strength for everyone.
He told me over the phone that he was so very proud that I had made the decision I did, but he wanted to know why I did it, I told him it was because I had finally realised that I was killing myself, I wanted to live past 40, even 30 and start a family of my own one day, I was sick and tired of being stuck in this body and I wanted to do something about it. Uncle Leo then got emotional with me, "I've been hoping you would make that decision, each year I wanted to see you walk in and show us all the new you, the Adrian that would out live us all, now you have taken the first step, the biggest step, I'm so very proud of you for doing that, you will have the rest of your life to show us all how great a man you are now and what you can achieve in the future".
Uncle Leo passed away just a few weeks after this from cancer, to hear those words from him means the world to me, it hits me like a nail in the heart (a good nail though), I pray he can see me today, looking down on me with Nan and Pop, with loving smiles, proud of my accomplishments and honored to be my grandparents and Uncle.
Yes it kills me that I didn't do this sooner to be able to show him what I have done, but ... I can't have any regrets, the reason the operation happened when it did was because I wasn't ready at that time, every success I have right now is because each thought process, each step I took, each experience I encountered put me in the place I had to be in to make this work for me.
No Regrets, Ever! Only Success!
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Friday, 3 February 2012
Blog 8, What's going on inside my head? (Part 1)
EDIT: I have come back to the beginning of this blog after I have re-read it to make you all aware that there is some serious language in this blog, if you are offended too bad I am not sorry for that, this is all about me getting shit off my chest and well it didn't help after all that.
I am separating this blog into 2 parts, the first is about the negative, the second part obviously the positive. I am not writing this up for sympathy nor am I doing it to make others feel bad it is simply my way of trying out new ways to sort through my mental issues and perhaps it can relate to others out there.
They say that when you change your life style the physical is only the beginning, then comes the mental, or willpower/focus if you will, how true this is, you can be physically strong all night long but if you have weak willpower you have a higher chance of failing at whatever it is you do.
My point? My family's belief projected onto me was if you aren't hurt physically it doesn't exist, stress, burn outs these things don't happen, it's just weak minded people not being as strong as the rest of us.
I used to believe this until I experienced my lifestyle change, I hear my dad sometimes saying things like how his sister had to go to Spain to "find herself" then would act all pompous about it. "Well guess what Dad?" I would say, "when I was in America last year I did the same thing", then he would justify his response with something like how I'm not like her at all... haha I find it both sad and pathetic but you have to realise that my parents were born in the 50's, times were different then, times a different now, I respect what he says because he has belief in them, he lives by his way because of his own childhood experiences (which weren't very pleasant), he's seen both the bad and good and this is his vision on the world, yes a little backwards but that too is my opinion on how I view the world.
I guess that all comes down to hey you know what they say about arseholes (assholes) right? Everybody's got one!
I bring that up because it's a regular occurrence in conversation at home Dad brings up his parents (who were arseholes at the best of times) and I think he just needs to vent every now and again. I have no problem with this but I've heard the stories so many times now I can say word for word what his next sentence will be. Now yes as mum will be reading this she is going to say "well your bother and I have to listen to these stories too" and yes I understand that mum but this blog is about me and my healing not you or Daniel. I hope you can understand that, if not I will talk to you about it when the blog is finished.
So my cousin recently decided on behalf of his parents to disown the rest of the family because we couldn't make it to his wedding, long story short apart from him being a juvenile about the whole situation I was more frustrated with the conversations I was listening to during and afterwards. Once again let's repeat the same story, let's repeat the same answers and how I will react to him, for goodness sake can't anybody try and view the problem from both sides of the fence for once?
It frustrates the hell out of me that everybody is so damn one sided, my brother too with politics, when the Labor government do something great, oh how fantastic they are, when the Liberals do something good, "Oh the only reason you could do that was because Labor did this and this and this", when the Liberals do something bad, "Oh well now this is why I didn't vote for them (insert expletives) ..."
GRRRRRR, I hate it, the negativity, the tunnel vision, the lack of free thinking for fucks sake people come up with your own opinion for once and take down the blinds, open your eyes to the world, open your eyes to the fact that if the Carbon tax comes in we will start slashing jobs in the coal fields, then the freight train drivers who haul it between states, then the crane and earth mover operators who do there part, the project managers, the IT staff, the coffee lady for fucks sake! Everybody is affected not just the fact that YOUR bill goes up another 3% to justify this loss and you can't find that money because you only get a $20 pay rise a year.
I've been working in IT for 6 years and I just got my first pay rise, get the fuck over your opinionated problem!
So enough of politics, there is a word I despise, a word I try to never use it is the "off limit" word that shall never be spoken in my vocabulary.
Hate.
I loathe the word hate, I despise it and I hate it. I feel the word is too powerful to use in any situation.
Let me take you back prior to August 2010 (my operation date), now I am going to speak as if it was that date please take note of that..
You have done nothing but cast yourself away from people, you can't walk without bitching about your pain, you don't concentrate in class because the children poke you with pencils, you never smile because you are never happy, you are always angry because the children tease you about your weight, you hate people because they make you feel miserable, you hate the faculty at school because it's always your fault, you're family love you but only because they have to and you will never have any true friends because when your around you make them look more appealing.
I hate you Adrian, I hate your existence, your a useless piece of garbage that should just rot in the ground, you make me feel awe full every day, you are always crying and angry and never feeling positive about life, you sit in front of a computer for people cannot see your weight, you always eat because food never speaks, you play games 18 hours a day instead of going to Tafe because everybody looks at you when you walk, everybody snickers and whispers when you enter the room, you paranoid fool, everybody hates you, nobody likes you, your family see's you as a disappointment, each Christmas family hope to see you in a smaller body only to be disappointed and regret your attendance, nobody will ever love you, your family hate you, I hate you, you should just do the world a favor and die, but you shouldn't even do that because your death would be an inconvenience for everybody else, you weigh so much you would need a forklift to lift you out of the house and a crane to move you from the church to the ground. You're pathetic and I will forever hate what you have done to me.
Signed: Adrian Anthony Cuvello.
Ok back to me today.
I would be lying if I said I never had a suicidal thought, I would be lying if I said I never spent every waking minute thinking about how I could do it without it hurting. Stress, depression, anxiety, all these problems exist it's not just the physical, it's mental your brain can take all your emotions, your memories and thoughts and change them up, to play with you, perhaps the brain has a sadistic side? Maybe it doesn't, perhaps I was crying out for help and the only person I could scream out to was myself.
That letter above, that letter doesn't exist anymore, that person is still me, I am still he, I am Adrian Anthony Cuvello, I am that fat kid who hated himself, I am that fat kid that had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to stop the torture, I went 7 years at school with teasing, and that was every single day, every single period at school and when I bit back it was my fault because I was bigger and could have hurt somebody, well you know what? I did try and hurt those children back then, I may have even tried to have killed some of them, grade 5 I threw chairs at children to hurt them, grade 6 I threw bricks at students then at teachers, 7 I threw my fists, 8 was my weight, 9 was shit I can't remember 10,11,12 I don't know it's all a blur now, it was hell every single day I was always in the wrong, I was always teased and all anybody could say was "just ignore it" FUCK YOU!! It's not that fucking easy to ignore it you ignorant bastards, I can't just sit there and let people say shit to me and not retaliate, you poke a lion with a stick and it will eventually rip your head off. You expect this to be different? Go home, go home and live your imaginary life of fairy tales where you don't know how true of a cunt a person can be, to have somebody drive you into such a frenzy that you want to kill them, that's just insane, welcome to my life for 7 years.
So when people ask me "tell me about your childhood" my response is (apart from the above) "I don't remember, I blocked it all out". I blocked it out because it was a very dark time for me, a time I do not want to remember, a hatred inside me that I am afraid to bring to the surface because it might lead to me hurting someone.
I don't even remember Nan and Pop Withoos, I don't remember their faces I don't remember any time I spent with them when I was young, their deaths mean nothing to me because I don't remember them. The only good memories I ever had as a child are gone perhaps forever... (this is where the tears start).
I can give you examples of my worst moments at school that for some reason don't leave my mind, I can tell you all about my fathers parents and how badly they treated all of us but the two people who no matter who I talk to in my family are always highly spoken of and the love these people have for Nan and Pop ... I will never feel that because of my experiences.
And that kills me, I hate that I can't remember them, I hate that something so disheartening can happen to me, Who am I? What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did it happen to me?
Surprise, surprise guess what? I never want those questions answered.
I cannot change the past but I can choose my future. I will make my own memories I will make those around me proud of me, if they did or didn't feel the same way about me as I did that doesn't matter, I want to do what's right for me. (This will lead on in part 2)
While in America 3 things happened, a past emotion came back to haunt me, I was told my personality had changed and I have issues in my mind that make me react without even noticing.
When in America an old bad emotion came to rise one night, "rejection", this bad boy has plagued me all my life, being the biggest and always the most angry or depressed I was always rejected, the word always doesn't describe the word always in my mind, every single opportunity gone, don't even consider it, any chance.. nope, can I? nope... wh... NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
Fuck it ill just say it, because of my weight I have never had a girl friend, I have never had the chance to experience life and love. The chance to love myself, the chance to love another.
I had figured that since I had lost about 75kgs (165lbs) I was a completely different person, I was acceptable in society, I never got a second look for my obesity, I was a shoe in!
Sadly no, one night we had a big fire dance and a ritual with the Navajo Indians in Monument Valley, the females choose a guy and we do a dance together, it took me 2 seconds to realise that I was not going to be chosen, I even walked around to those who didn't participate and asked them for a dance, to the response of NO!...
I quietly walked out of the circle put a fake smile on my face and said it's cool bro you guys have fun ill take pictures or something... I walked off away from everybody and began to cry to myself.
"I've done so much, I've changed so much in my life, the weight is gone I am continuously told how great I look but I still can't even get a dance I can't even get a smile or an acknowledgement from anybody who doesn't know me. Why is it that this hasn't changed?"
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My personality, my good friend Tracy (who I went to the USA with) had a chat to me a few hours before boarding to come home, I told her most of the story (now she knows it all) and she looked at me (and I love her for this) told me straight up "That's because you were being a dick, I'm not surprised"... I was shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded. "Huh?", was all I could come up with.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't me, I was this egotistical jerk who if I didn't make others smile would have been kicked off the bus during the trip. To be honest I came up with some bullshit response of "Oh yeah, I was trying new things"... truth is I never realised I was doing this, since then I've had a hard think about it and I can see why it happened, one extreme to the next, firstly I'm just physically repulsive to naturally you stay away, now my personality is the problem. I don't blame anyone that night for turning me away, I deserved it but why did it happen? Why did I not realise what had happened?
Perhaps the third thing that came to light in the US was it!
Tracy noticed that after a talk with my brother on the phone one night in Vegas I proceeded to hang up and start talking vulgarly to myself, I was angry, red faced, swearing my head off until I was almost yelling, threw my phone on the ground and I hear "HEY!, What are you doing? Dude Chill!"
I looked at Tracy and remember looking puzzled "Huh?" I think was my response to this, "Dude you were about to go Berserk", I didn't know I was doing that.
Turns out this sort of thing can happen, I'm not calling Bi Polar or some bullshit like that, but it's an issue I need to deal with before I end up hurting the people I love one day.
On that note I did it to my brother a few days ago when he tried to explain to me his Psychiatrist may need to see me ever 2 weeks, I snapped and said I couldn't do that, I don't have the time or the leave to take from work then it escalated, thankfully he walked out before I started throwing things at him.
I was really hoping this would help, getting things off my chest but it hasn't, perhaps I need to "talk" instead of using my minds voice. I don't know, I do know I have a lot of my own demons and the above does not even scratch the surface. Apart of me wants to take this down because I have aired a hell of a lot of personal issues that I think about and the fallback from my parents about what I wrote about them, but another part of me needs to air it out, I need to stop trying to carry everyone's problems on my back, the fact my dad can't get over his childhood isn't my problem, my mother loves her family so much that she sometimes makes this family second and not first in her life, the fact my brother is just like me is also not my problem, in fact I could just be blowing shit out of proportion and not know it.
I don't know what to think, I hate thinking because you over analyses everything then you only end up hurting the ones you love by miss judging their feelings. Oh God I can't take it my head just keeps playing games with me, I need to talk to someone and I need to do it soon.
I may have begun the healing process with myself and yes I can say I do NOT hate myself anymore but there is still more to change. There is always more than can be done, perhaps one day I can remember Nan and Pop again, maybe one day I can have the opportunity to love another, I've started already, I have begun to love myself (more of this in Part 2).
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
I am separating this blog into 2 parts, the first is about the negative, the second part obviously the positive. I am not writing this up for sympathy nor am I doing it to make others feel bad it is simply my way of trying out new ways to sort through my mental issues and perhaps it can relate to others out there.
They say that when you change your life style the physical is only the beginning, then comes the mental, or willpower/focus if you will, how true this is, you can be physically strong all night long but if you have weak willpower you have a higher chance of failing at whatever it is you do.
My point? My family's belief projected onto me was if you aren't hurt physically it doesn't exist, stress, burn outs these things don't happen, it's just weak minded people not being as strong as the rest of us.
I used to believe this until I experienced my lifestyle change, I hear my dad sometimes saying things like how his sister had to go to Spain to "find herself" then would act all pompous about it. "Well guess what Dad?" I would say, "when I was in America last year I did the same thing", then he would justify his response with something like how I'm not like her at all... haha I find it both sad and pathetic but you have to realise that my parents were born in the 50's, times were different then, times a different now, I respect what he says because he has belief in them, he lives by his way because of his own childhood experiences (which weren't very pleasant), he's seen both the bad and good and this is his vision on the world, yes a little backwards but that too is my opinion on how I view the world.
I guess that all comes down to hey you know what they say about arseholes (assholes) right? Everybody's got one!
I bring that up because it's a regular occurrence in conversation at home Dad brings up his parents (who were arseholes at the best of times) and I think he just needs to vent every now and again. I have no problem with this but I've heard the stories so many times now I can say word for word what his next sentence will be. Now yes as mum will be reading this she is going to say "well your bother and I have to listen to these stories too" and yes I understand that mum but this blog is about me and my healing not you or Daniel. I hope you can understand that, if not I will talk to you about it when the blog is finished.
So my cousin recently decided on behalf of his parents to disown the rest of the family because we couldn't make it to his wedding, long story short apart from him being a juvenile about the whole situation I was more frustrated with the conversations I was listening to during and afterwards. Once again let's repeat the same story, let's repeat the same answers and how I will react to him, for goodness sake can't anybody try and view the problem from both sides of the fence for once?
It frustrates the hell out of me that everybody is so damn one sided, my brother too with politics, when the Labor government do something great, oh how fantastic they are, when the Liberals do something good, "Oh the only reason you could do that was because Labor did this and this and this", when the Liberals do something bad, "Oh well now this is why I didn't vote for them (insert expletives) ..."
GRRRRRR, I hate it, the negativity, the tunnel vision, the lack of free thinking for fucks sake people come up with your own opinion for once and take down the blinds, open your eyes to the world, open your eyes to the fact that if the Carbon tax comes in we will start slashing jobs in the coal fields, then the freight train drivers who haul it between states, then the crane and earth mover operators who do there part, the project managers, the IT staff, the coffee lady for fucks sake! Everybody is affected not just the fact that YOUR bill goes up another 3% to justify this loss and you can't find that money because you only get a $20 pay rise a year.
I've been working in IT for 6 years and I just got my first pay rise, get the fuck over your opinionated problem!
So enough of politics, there is a word I despise, a word I try to never use it is the "off limit" word that shall never be spoken in my vocabulary.
Hate.
I loathe the word hate, I despise it and I hate it. I feel the word is too powerful to use in any situation.
Let me take you back prior to August 2010 (my operation date), now I am going to speak as if it was that date please take note of that..
You have done nothing but cast yourself away from people, you can't walk without bitching about your pain, you don't concentrate in class because the children poke you with pencils, you never smile because you are never happy, you are always angry because the children tease you about your weight, you hate people because they make you feel miserable, you hate the faculty at school because it's always your fault, you're family love you but only because they have to and you will never have any true friends because when your around you make them look more appealing.
I hate you Adrian, I hate your existence, your a useless piece of garbage that should just rot in the ground, you make me feel awe full every day, you are always crying and angry and never feeling positive about life, you sit in front of a computer for people cannot see your weight, you always eat because food never speaks, you play games 18 hours a day instead of going to Tafe because everybody looks at you when you walk, everybody snickers and whispers when you enter the room, you paranoid fool, everybody hates you, nobody likes you, your family see's you as a disappointment, each Christmas family hope to see you in a smaller body only to be disappointed and regret your attendance, nobody will ever love you, your family hate you, I hate you, you should just do the world a favor and die, but you shouldn't even do that because your death would be an inconvenience for everybody else, you weigh so much you would need a forklift to lift you out of the house and a crane to move you from the church to the ground. You're pathetic and I will forever hate what you have done to me.
Signed: Adrian Anthony Cuvello.
Ok back to me today.
I would be lying if I said I never had a suicidal thought, I would be lying if I said I never spent every waking minute thinking about how I could do it without it hurting. Stress, depression, anxiety, all these problems exist it's not just the physical, it's mental your brain can take all your emotions, your memories and thoughts and change them up, to play with you, perhaps the brain has a sadistic side? Maybe it doesn't, perhaps I was crying out for help and the only person I could scream out to was myself.
That letter above, that letter doesn't exist anymore, that person is still me, I am still he, I am Adrian Anthony Cuvello, I am that fat kid who hated himself, I am that fat kid that had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to stop the torture, I went 7 years at school with teasing, and that was every single day, every single period at school and when I bit back it was my fault because I was bigger and could have hurt somebody, well you know what? I did try and hurt those children back then, I may have even tried to have killed some of them, grade 5 I threw chairs at children to hurt them, grade 6 I threw bricks at students then at teachers, 7 I threw my fists, 8 was my weight, 9 was shit I can't remember 10,11,12 I don't know it's all a blur now, it was hell every single day I was always in the wrong, I was always teased and all anybody could say was "just ignore it" FUCK YOU!! It's not that fucking easy to ignore it you ignorant bastards, I can't just sit there and let people say shit to me and not retaliate, you poke a lion with a stick and it will eventually rip your head off. You expect this to be different? Go home, go home and live your imaginary life of fairy tales where you don't know how true of a cunt a person can be, to have somebody drive you into such a frenzy that you want to kill them, that's just insane, welcome to my life for 7 years.
So when people ask me "tell me about your childhood" my response is (apart from the above) "I don't remember, I blocked it all out". I blocked it out because it was a very dark time for me, a time I do not want to remember, a hatred inside me that I am afraid to bring to the surface because it might lead to me hurting someone.
I don't even remember Nan and Pop Withoos, I don't remember their faces I don't remember any time I spent with them when I was young, their deaths mean nothing to me because I don't remember them. The only good memories I ever had as a child are gone perhaps forever... (this is where the tears start).
I can give you examples of my worst moments at school that for some reason don't leave my mind, I can tell you all about my fathers parents and how badly they treated all of us but the two people who no matter who I talk to in my family are always highly spoken of and the love these people have for Nan and Pop ... I will never feel that because of my experiences.
And that kills me, I hate that I can't remember them, I hate that something so disheartening can happen to me, Who am I? What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did it happen to me?
Surprise, surprise guess what? I never want those questions answered.
I cannot change the past but I can choose my future. I will make my own memories I will make those around me proud of me, if they did or didn't feel the same way about me as I did that doesn't matter, I want to do what's right for me. (This will lead on in part 2)
While in America 3 things happened, a past emotion came back to haunt me, I was told my personality had changed and I have issues in my mind that make me react without even noticing.
When in America an old bad emotion came to rise one night, "rejection", this bad boy has plagued me all my life, being the biggest and always the most angry or depressed I was always rejected, the word always doesn't describe the word always in my mind, every single opportunity gone, don't even consider it, any chance.. nope, can I? nope... wh... NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
Fuck it ill just say it, because of my weight I have never had a girl friend, I have never had the chance to experience life and love. The chance to love myself, the chance to love another.
I had figured that since I had lost about 75kgs (165lbs) I was a completely different person, I was acceptable in society, I never got a second look for my obesity, I was a shoe in!
Sadly no, one night we had a big fire dance and a ritual with the Navajo Indians in Monument Valley, the females choose a guy and we do a dance together, it took me 2 seconds to realise that I was not going to be chosen, I even walked around to those who didn't participate and asked them for a dance, to the response of NO!...
I quietly walked out of the circle put a fake smile on my face and said it's cool bro you guys have fun ill take pictures or something... I walked off away from everybody and began to cry to myself.
"I've done so much, I've changed so much in my life, the weight is gone I am continuously told how great I look but I still can't even get a dance I can't even get a smile or an acknowledgement from anybody who doesn't know me. Why is it that this hasn't changed?"
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My personality, my good friend Tracy (who I went to the USA with) had a chat to me a few hours before boarding to come home, I told her most of the story (now she knows it all) and she looked at me (and I love her for this) told me straight up "That's because you were being a dick, I'm not surprised"... I was shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded. "Huh?", was all I could come up with.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't me, I was this egotistical jerk who if I didn't make others smile would have been kicked off the bus during the trip. To be honest I came up with some bullshit response of "Oh yeah, I was trying new things"... truth is I never realised I was doing this, since then I've had a hard think about it and I can see why it happened, one extreme to the next, firstly I'm just physically repulsive to naturally you stay away, now my personality is the problem. I don't blame anyone that night for turning me away, I deserved it but why did it happen? Why did I not realise what had happened?
Perhaps the third thing that came to light in the US was it!
Tracy noticed that after a talk with my brother on the phone one night in Vegas I proceeded to hang up and start talking vulgarly to myself, I was angry, red faced, swearing my head off until I was almost yelling, threw my phone on the ground and I hear "HEY!, What are you doing? Dude Chill!"
I looked at Tracy and remember looking puzzled "Huh?" I think was my response to this, "Dude you were about to go Berserk", I didn't know I was doing that.
Turns out this sort of thing can happen, I'm not calling Bi Polar or some bullshit like that, but it's an issue I need to deal with before I end up hurting the people I love one day.
On that note I did it to my brother a few days ago when he tried to explain to me his Psychiatrist may need to see me ever 2 weeks, I snapped and said I couldn't do that, I don't have the time or the leave to take from work then it escalated, thankfully he walked out before I started throwing things at him.
I was really hoping this would help, getting things off my chest but it hasn't, perhaps I need to "talk" instead of using my minds voice. I don't know, I do know I have a lot of my own demons and the above does not even scratch the surface. Apart of me wants to take this down because I have aired a hell of a lot of personal issues that I think about and the fallback from my parents about what I wrote about them, but another part of me needs to air it out, I need to stop trying to carry everyone's problems on my back, the fact my dad can't get over his childhood isn't my problem, my mother loves her family so much that she sometimes makes this family second and not first in her life, the fact my brother is just like me is also not my problem, in fact I could just be blowing shit out of proportion and not know it.
I don't know what to think, I hate thinking because you over analyses everything then you only end up hurting the ones you love by miss judging their feelings. Oh God I can't take it my head just keeps playing games with me, I need to talk to someone and I need to do it soon.
I may have begun the healing process with myself and yes I can say I do NOT hate myself anymore but there is still more to change. There is always more than can be done, perhaps one day I can remember Nan and Pop again, maybe one day I can have the opportunity to love another, I've started already, I have begun to love myself (more of this in Part 2).
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Blog 7 - Weight Watchers! Let's lose weight and count Points!
Hi All,
So I thought I might take some time to explain what I was doing to try and lose weight before I choose the opertation, first stop, Weight Watchers!
I believe that WW is actually a great way of trying to lose weight, it works for a lot of people but why didn't it work for me?
WW Worked (at the time back in Jan 2006) by calorie pointing food, you were allocated X amounts of points per day to eat based on your BMI, weight, height and sex. For me being a 22yo male 208kgs (457.6lbs) and 183cms I was allocated 33 points per day to use. With help from mum we worked out a plan that worked for me, because I had finished my Diploma at Tafe and was looking for work I decided to spend the time at the gym doing 4-5 days 1-2 hour sessions. I know what your thinking now "it's all well and good if you can spend that much time and energy everyday at the gym however the average "working" person does not have this luxury and we get by doing what we can" I understand that, hell WW even understands that and that's what's great about WW, if you can put in as much exercise as possible and you count your points you will have a great chance of losing weight.
My past blog was about calorie counting and I mentioned that I had to eat less than 2000 calories a day to lose 2.5kgs (5.5lbs) a week with some general exercise, this is basically what WW does, they calorie count for you and do this part so you can lose weight with minimal effort, well until you plateau then your on your own, at least that was my experience. For those wondering I lost 35kgs (77lbs).
Now please take note this was how WW worked back in 2006, I have heard that they have changed the way they count foods and something about how you don't count points anymore but you eat certain food groups X amounts of times per day. Whatever I really don't care to be honest with you, I was treated like garbage when I asked for help when I plateaued, I would rather not go into it but WW employees only read from the books provided, don't you dare ask them anything that isn't part of their fairy tale story of weight loss.
Enough of that, so June comes around and I'm wasting money with WW so I ditch them, stack the weight back on (as you do) and a good mate of mine tells me he wants me to Gym with him (yes Gym is now a verb!), come late 2007 and we do this, problem is he lives about 20kms (about 12miles) away and I don't drive, as good as that was it didn't work out, he had to drive me home after each session and the cost of fuel got excessively high. In that time I lose about 25kgs (55lbs) and my mate about 20kgs (40lbs) himself we both put the weight back on (and then some).
The above paragraph pretty much explains my title 2007 - Ups and Downs to weight loss and 2008 - Losing weight with a mate!
Ups and downs of weight loss, what a drag, get into a good routine then bam you plateau, you have to keep your body forever changing, never let it get used to what you are doing, change your food, exercise and routines, easier said than done indeed!
Back in 2005 (after the heart attack scare) I was asked by my GP if I was interested in this brand new gastric banding operation (Lap Band) which assisted with weight loss by placing a band around your stomach so when you eat a smaller portion of your stomach digests the food before it hits the acidic area for breakdown, because you eat into a small pouch you fill up quicker and don't eat as much, at that time I turned him down telling him I wanted to try and do this myself and not go for any assistance options that may have been available, he was reluctant but agreed it was worth me trying on my own.
To be honest with you I hadn't had a chance to lose weight on my own, I wanted to give it all a go, it was new to me, it was exciting, I would watch the Biggest Loser and get motivated then go and workout myself, it was these failures that I had to experience to finally accept that I needed a more permanent solution to my problem...
2009 - Backed into a corner, nowhere to run!
2010 - Acceptance, the hardest decision made!
The next blog is going to be about the two above topics, to summarise let's start with how I failed the prerequisites to the lap banding operation, how I managed to gain weight while on OptiFast and my experiences with depression, oh the joys this will bring to my lovely readers.
It's going to be a very personal Blog this next one, there are so many things in my head that I need to put down on paper or talk to somebody about, I've been told to see a psychiatrist for these issues but I'm interested in seeing if this ends up being therapeutic for me.
Rest assured though I won't go into too much just enough to not pass that 4th wall but enough to hopefully help others who may feel or felt this way.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
So I thought I might take some time to explain what I was doing to try and lose weight before I choose the opertation, first stop, Weight Watchers!
I believe that WW is actually a great way of trying to lose weight, it works for a lot of people but why didn't it work for me?
WW Worked (at the time back in Jan 2006) by calorie pointing food, you were allocated X amounts of points per day to eat based on your BMI, weight, height and sex. For me being a 22yo male 208kgs (457.6lbs) and 183cms I was allocated 33 points per day to use. With help from mum we worked out a plan that worked for me, because I had finished my Diploma at Tafe and was looking for work I decided to spend the time at the gym doing 4-5 days 1-2 hour sessions. I know what your thinking now "it's all well and good if you can spend that much time and energy everyday at the gym however the average "working" person does not have this luxury and we get by doing what we can" I understand that, hell WW even understands that and that's what's great about WW, if you can put in as much exercise as possible and you count your points you will have a great chance of losing weight.
My past blog was about calorie counting and I mentioned that I had to eat less than 2000 calories a day to lose 2.5kgs (5.5lbs) a week with some general exercise, this is basically what WW does, they calorie count for you and do this part so you can lose weight with minimal effort, well until you plateau then your on your own, at least that was my experience. For those wondering I lost 35kgs (77lbs).
Now please take note this was how WW worked back in 2006, I have heard that they have changed the way they count foods and something about how you don't count points anymore but you eat certain food groups X amounts of times per day. Whatever I really don't care to be honest with you, I was treated like garbage when I asked for help when I plateaued, I would rather not go into it but WW employees only read from the books provided, don't you dare ask them anything that isn't part of their fairy tale story of weight loss.
Enough of that, so June comes around and I'm wasting money with WW so I ditch them, stack the weight back on (as you do) and a good mate of mine tells me he wants me to Gym with him (yes Gym is now a verb!), come late 2007 and we do this, problem is he lives about 20kms (about 12miles) away and I don't drive, as good as that was it didn't work out, he had to drive me home after each session and the cost of fuel got excessively high. In that time I lose about 25kgs (55lbs) and my mate about 20kgs (40lbs) himself we both put the weight back on (and then some).
The above paragraph pretty much explains my title 2007 - Ups and Downs to weight loss and 2008 - Losing weight with a mate!
Ups and downs of weight loss, what a drag, get into a good routine then bam you plateau, you have to keep your body forever changing, never let it get used to what you are doing, change your food, exercise and routines, easier said than done indeed!
Back in 2005 (after the heart attack scare) I was asked by my GP if I was interested in this brand new gastric banding operation (Lap Band) which assisted with weight loss by placing a band around your stomach so when you eat a smaller portion of your stomach digests the food before it hits the acidic area for breakdown, because you eat into a small pouch you fill up quicker and don't eat as much, at that time I turned him down telling him I wanted to try and do this myself and not go for any assistance options that may have been available, he was reluctant but agreed it was worth me trying on my own.
To be honest with you I hadn't had a chance to lose weight on my own, I wanted to give it all a go, it was new to me, it was exciting, I would watch the Biggest Loser and get motivated then go and workout myself, it was these failures that I had to experience to finally accept that I needed a more permanent solution to my problem...
2009 - Backed into a corner, nowhere to run!
2010 - Acceptance, the hardest decision made!
The next blog is going to be about the two above topics, to summarise let's start with how I failed the prerequisites to the lap banding operation, how I managed to gain weight while on OptiFast and my experiences with depression, oh the joys this will bring to my lovely readers.
It's going to be a very personal Blog this next one, there are so many things in my head that I need to put down on paper or talk to somebody about, I've been told to see a psychiatrist for these issues but I'm interested in seeing if this ends up being therapeutic for me.
Rest assured though I won't go into too much just enough to not pass that 4th wall but enough to hopefully help others who may feel or felt this way.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Blog 6, Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7, 8, 9 =) oh portion sizes and calorie counting!
Hi All,
Portion Sizes and calorie counting, so I briefly ran over my past blogs to make sure I haven't talked about this yet and it looks like I haven't.
It took me about 6 months till I was able to begin exercising and I didn't start personal training sessions till the 12 month mark, as previously mentioned this whole experience is about listening and feeling your body so of course everybody heals differently.
I wanted to touch on portion sizes pre and post operation and calorie intake per day as of about 1 month ago when I took notice of how little I was eating.
I never ate the wrong foods, I wasn't a big fan of fast food or deep fried, I just ate too much when I did eat. The standard dinner for the family would be spaghetti for example. Lean mince, canned tomatoes and pasta pre made, the only thing better than this would be fresh ingredients from the backyard.
Where Daniel and Mum would eat 1 average sized bowl and Dad would go for half of a second here's what I would consume (yeah that's a good word I like that), 2-3 full bowls including 4-6 pieces of white bread and probably half a bottle of a diet soft drink.
Today I rarely eat pasta because I have difficulty digesting any food that expands after eating, anything with yeast or self raising qualities such as: Bread, noodles, pasta, rice, lasagna, cupcakes, cake so on and so forth you get the idea. So these days I eat mainly wholemeal pita bread and gluten free products.
Now on the odd day that I do end up eating pasta I would eat about half of one bowl full.
Yup that's right, the pasta expands when it hits my stomach, because mine is so small now it fills me quicker by expanding, thing is about 75% of the time I would have problems with that type of food and get sick from it so I just stay away it's easier.
Another great example is chicken, during my time of scar tissue healing I was told to keep up the protean and a good amount every day so I would have it for lunch.
Before the operation I would consume half a chicken and chips, now I'm not talking about any commercial chicken I mean one of those smaller more generous chicken places that would serve you up 2 to 3 ladles of chips with the chicken, then I would look for something else in about an hour.
Now days it's a quarter chicken, skinless, breast with sauce to keep it moist.
An interesting thing to mention that I found out from my surgeon is that when he did my operation he used polyester stitching which never dissolves in the body, (unlike today where he uses something else that does) so my stomach day by day swells by this stitching because it is a foreign object in my body it will never completely accept it, this will never change I will live with this for the rest of my life.
The following is how each day is different due to the swelling; day 1 I have cereal, quarter chicken, half bowl of spaghetti, day 2 where I can eat is like this; cereal as usual, half a chicken, snacks such as protean bars/shake or a decent (big) packet of chips, full bowl of spaghetti then more protean shakes after dinner. When I don't have swelling I can eat excessive amounts of food, at most 2-3 times what I usually eat! It's crazy.
Now the exact opposite also happens where my stomach swells up more than usual and my day consists of this; half the usual cereal, if I'm lucky a quarter chicken and 3 mouthfuls of the spaghetti.
How do I know when one of these occurs? When I take my morning pills, if I have trouble with the 1 mouthful of water I drink to take them it's a "Bad" day, if I can take 2 mouthfuls and it hurts a little it's a "Standard" day and if I can take 2 and 3 with no problems whatsoever it's a "Good" day! Note: I like "Good" days =)
So calories hey? I got an iPhone application recently from a work colleague that tells me how many calories I'm eating with each piece of food I eat, turns out the results are as follows:
Before the operation I was eating around 8500 calories a day and burning about 3000 from walking, moving around, that's still 5000 calories I'm not loosing each day.
Post operation:
Standard Day: 1200 calories
Bad Day: 600-700 calories
Good Day: 2500 - 3000 calories
To continue burning 2.5kgs a week I need to eat less than 2000 calories and burn at least 500 per day, each time I go to the gym for a workout I burn the at least 400 calories.
So even on a good day I will continue to lose huge amounts of weight, but will I ever plateau?
Since I have started to build muscle I have slowed down to half a kilo (1 pound) to nothing a week which is great but what am I actually doing to stop it?
Eating meat pies, eating all the bad food we all love to hate, that's right people, I get to eat junk food!
I cannot eat that kind of food every day though, I haven't touched a meat pie in about 3 weeks now, last time I had something bad would be the chicken schnitzel on Sunday, once again instead of eating 6 all in sandwiches I eat 2 (if I'm lucky) with nothing but sauce and cheese, oh there only about 120gram pieces, which is very small.
Apart from the occasional binge of junk food muscle weighs twice as much as fat does, so when I don't lose weight it means I gained muscle about 2-3kgs of muscle to be exact a month which is about average to just over I believe, I'll have to check that. So yes if I wasn't building muscle I would still be losing 6-8 kgs a month, it's a little scary because I don't know what my body will do as it get's closer to my goal of 98kgs.
Only time will tell.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Portion Sizes and calorie counting, so I briefly ran over my past blogs to make sure I haven't talked about this yet and it looks like I haven't.
It took me about 6 months till I was able to begin exercising and I didn't start personal training sessions till the 12 month mark, as previously mentioned this whole experience is about listening and feeling your body so of course everybody heals differently.
I wanted to touch on portion sizes pre and post operation and calorie intake per day as of about 1 month ago when I took notice of how little I was eating.
I never ate the wrong foods, I wasn't a big fan of fast food or deep fried, I just ate too much when I did eat. The standard dinner for the family would be spaghetti for example. Lean mince, canned tomatoes and pasta pre made, the only thing better than this would be fresh ingredients from the backyard.
Where Daniel and Mum would eat 1 average sized bowl and Dad would go for half of a second here's what I would consume (yeah that's a good word I like that), 2-3 full bowls including 4-6 pieces of white bread and probably half a bottle of a diet soft drink.
Today I rarely eat pasta because I have difficulty digesting any food that expands after eating, anything with yeast or self raising qualities such as: Bread, noodles, pasta, rice, lasagna, cupcakes, cake so on and so forth you get the idea. So these days I eat mainly wholemeal pita bread and gluten free products.
Now on the odd day that I do end up eating pasta I would eat about half of one bowl full.
Yup that's right, the pasta expands when it hits my stomach, because mine is so small now it fills me quicker by expanding, thing is about 75% of the time I would have problems with that type of food and get sick from it so I just stay away it's easier.
Another great example is chicken, during my time of scar tissue healing I was told to keep up the protean and a good amount every day so I would have it for lunch.
Before the operation I would consume half a chicken and chips, now I'm not talking about any commercial chicken I mean one of those smaller more generous chicken places that would serve you up 2 to 3 ladles of chips with the chicken, then I would look for something else in about an hour.
Now days it's a quarter chicken, skinless, breast with sauce to keep it moist.
An interesting thing to mention that I found out from my surgeon is that when he did my operation he used polyester stitching which never dissolves in the body, (unlike today where he uses something else that does) so my stomach day by day swells by this stitching because it is a foreign object in my body it will never completely accept it, this will never change I will live with this for the rest of my life.
The following is how each day is different due to the swelling; day 1 I have cereal, quarter chicken, half bowl of spaghetti, day 2 where I can eat is like this; cereal as usual, half a chicken, snacks such as protean bars/shake or a decent (big) packet of chips, full bowl of spaghetti then more protean shakes after dinner. When I don't have swelling I can eat excessive amounts of food, at most 2-3 times what I usually eat! It's crazy.
Now the exact opposite also happens where my stomach swells up more than usual and my day consists of this; half the usual cereal, if I'm lucky a quarter chicken and 3 mouthfuls of the spaghetti.
How do I know when one of these occurs? When I take my morning pills, if I have trouble with the 1 mouthful of water I drink to take them it's a "Bad" day, if I can take 2 mouthfuls and it hurts a little it's a "Standard" day and if I can take 2 and 3 with no problems whatsoever it's a "Good" day! Note: I like "Good" days =)
So calories hey? I got an iPhone application recently from a work colleague that tells me how many calories I'm eating with each piece of food I eat, turns out the results are as follows:
Before the operation I was eating around 8500 calories a day and burning about 3000 from walking, moving around, that's still 5000 calories I'm not loosing each day.
Post operation:
Standard Day: 1200 calories
Bad Day: 600-700 calories
Good Day: 2500 - 3000 calories
To continue burning 2.5kgs a week I need to eat less than 2000 calories and burn at least 500 per day, each time I go to the gym for a workout I burn the at least 400 calories.
So even on a good day I will continue to lose huge amounts of weight, but will I ever plateau?
Since I have started to build muscle I have slowed down to half a kilo (1 pound) to nothing a week which is great but what am I actually doing to stop it?
Eating meat pies, eating all the bad food we all love to hate, that's right people, I get to eat junk food!
I cannot eat that kind of food every day though, I haven't touched a meat pie in about 3 weeks now, last time I had something bad would be the chicken schnitzel on Sunday, once again instead of eating 6 all in sandwiches I eat 2 (if I'm lucky) with nothing but sauce and cheese, oh there only about 120gram pieces, which is very small.
Apart from the occasional binge of junk food muscle weighs twice as much as fat does, so when I don't lose weight it means I gained muscle about 2-3kgs of muscle to be exact a month which is about average to just over I believe, I'll have to check that. So yes if I wasn't building muscle I would still be losing 6-8 kgs a month, it's a little scary because I don't know what my body will do as it get's closer to my goal of 98kgs.
Only time will tell.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Blog 5, Ben and Dylan contributed to my life change.
Hi Everyone,
I promise not to make this one another sappy story it's actually a good one, one of the many reasons I wanted to change my life and the reason why I haven't seen these guys in almost 3 years now...
So there's a band out there called Rainshadow, they're a local Melbourne "Dark Rock" band, you can find them here "www.facebook.com/rainshadow", now I've known the singer (Ben) via the web since 2007 then Dylan their guitarist a few months after at one of their shows, we all seemed to hit it off pretty well.
Come 2008 (sometime) and I head off to the Arthouse (before they closed their doors) in Nth Melbourne to check these guys out and also some other bands, I turned up a little early and saw Ben out front, we had a quick chat and he asked if I would be interested in having dinner with the guys, I refused his offer telling him I was waiting for a friend to arrive.
I lied...
Why? Because that night I could barely hold my own weight I had pain in my lower back so bad that my usual 3-4 panodine fortes didn't help, between bands I had to take a seat and rest my ankles and I couldn't stop sweating, it was a bad night to say the least and before the night was out I would be in tears from the pain.
Turns out photos were taken of the night and one of me, here it is. http://imgur.com/9TcZF
I was told by the gentleman who took the photo that I looked "deep in thought", the truth being that I was actually angry with myself, I hated every minute that I was standing that night and it shows in this picture.
Another thing to notice was that I grew my beards, something to hide behind I guess, perhaps just covering my oversized neck? Or the excess amount of fat around my esophagus.
I always look back on this picture, it reminds me of where I was, one of the bad moments I lived through yet at the same token one of the best because it was incidents like this that made me choose to make a difference and for that I am great-full to have experienced it.
I really wanted to tell Ben and Dylan this, I really wanted to tell them I was sorry for lying to them, I hope that reading this now they maybe able to forgive me, perhaps it's just me being a little too humble however this was something I have to get off my chest.
So come today how did I move on from this? Well I haven't yet, in fact in March these guys are playing "http://www.facebook.com/events/228479527231170/" I will be attending that show where I hope to be able to talk to Ben and Dylan about that night and perhaps my journey (I know Dylan has been reading these), also meet and greet the other members I've been talking to their new bassist for a few days now that should be awesome.
I plan to take many pictures this time around, pictures of me with a smile and shaved face with the blokes that contributed to me changing my life ... forever.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
I promise not to make this one another sappy story it's actually a good one, one of the many reasons I wanted to change my life and the reason why I haven't seen these guys in almost 3 years now...
So there's a band out there called Rainshadow, they're a local Melbourne "Dark Rock" band, you can find them here "www.facebook.com/rainshadow", now I've known the singer (Ben) via the web since 2007 then Dylan their guitarist a few months after at one of their shows, we all seemed to hit it off pretty well.
Come 2008 (sometime) and I head off to the Arthouse (before they closed their doors) in Nth Melbourne to check these guys out and also some other bands, I turned up a little early and saw Ben out front, we had a quick chat and he asked if I would be interested in having dinner with the guys, I refused his offer telling him I was waiting for a friend to arrive.
I lied...
Why? Because that night I could barely hold my own weight I had pain in my lower back so bad that my usual 3-4 panodine fortes didn't help, between bands I had to take a seat and rest my ankles and I couldn't stop sweating, it was a bad night to say the least and before the night was out I would be in tears from the pain.
Turns out photos were taken of the night and one of me, here it is. http://imgur.com/9TcZF
I was told by the gentleman who took the photo that I looked "deep in thought", the truth being that I was actually angry with myself, I hated every minute that I was standing that night and it shows in this picture.
Another thing to notice was that I grew my beards, something to hide behind I guess, perhaps just covering my oversized neck? Or the excess amount of fat around my esophagus.
I always look back on this picture, it reminds me of where I was, one of the bad moments I lived through yet at the same token one of the best because it was incidents like this that made me choose to make a difference and for that I am great-full to have experienced it.
I really wanted to tell Ben and Dylan this, I really wanted to tell them I was sorry for lying to them, I hope that reading this now they maybe able to forgive me, perhaps it's just me being a little too humble however this was something I have to get off my chest.
So come today how did I move on from this? Well I haven't yet, in fact in March these guys are playing "http://www.facebook.com/events/228479527231170/" I will be attending that show where I hope to be able to talk to Ben and Dylan about that night and perhaps my journey (I know Dylan has been reading these), also meet and greet the other members I've been talking to their new bassist for a few days now that should be awesome.
I plan to take many pictures this time around, pictures of me with a smile and shaved face with the blokes that contributed to me changing my life ... forever.
Thanks for reading,
Big Age.
Remember any questions or comments you can email me directly evileldrin@gmail.com or add me on facebook if you haven't already you can find me under Adrian Cuvello
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